Am I ‘censoring’ my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I am very well known in my professional field and, although I have political opinions, I choose to be publicly non-political. My husband is on social media and lots of people know he’s my husband. He likes to post very partisan, provocative political things that many people would find annoying/offensive. I’ve asked him not to do this, for my sake - because my professional life is quite stressful enough without having to deal with people popping up and saying, ‘Hey, what do you think about your husband saying X, Y, Z on Instagram?’

Yesterday he posted something very provocative and when I asked if he’d mind deleting it, reminding him that he promised not to post such things in future, he got very aggressive and defensive and refused to take it down. He said I was trying to censor him, and being unreasonable. Am I?

I then said, ‘I don’t see it as censoring. I see it as asking you not to do/say certain things for my sake - just as, for your sake, I never tell your mother that the reason we don’t invite her to stay any more is because we know she has tried on multiple occasions to kill our dogs, and therefore we know she’s a bit of a psycho and don’t trust her.’ I suggested to my husband that me keeping quiet about all this for his sake, so he can maintain a surface-friendly relationship with his mother, might equally be viewed as censorship. Am I being unreasonable to see this as a valid analogy?

If people ask you about what your husband posts you just answer "we are both adult individuals and i don't control what he thinks or posts." if you really feel that it's reflecting on you you could add "we don't agree on this subject"

I do think it is slightly controlling to tell people what they should and shouldn't do with their own social media. However he knows it has a negative effect in you and had agreed not to so i would be irritated by him doing this again. But again: his SM, his rules.

As for his mother: just tell her. And if he says anything? meh.

When he posts as himself is he getting likes/followers because he's piggy backing on your profile ie if he wasn't married to you would anyone pay him any attention... and this is another way of getting attention?

He sounds a provocative pain really.

PS not very erudite but I hope you get the gist.

OPs opinion maybe subjective. Her husband may not support the mainstream narrative - it doesn't mean he is wrong.

He and his mother are using a similar passive aggressive modus opera so to get at you. He doesn’t “just happen” to express views in a way you find difficult and inconvenient, any more than his mother “just happens” to leave the doors open for the dogs. So “I’m just posting online as is my right” is as disingenuous as “I’m just opening a door, as is my right”.

this job you have. Is it a “bigger” job than his and is he moderately or not at all successful?

Really - posting bullshit is a men thing? And you're on Mumsnet!

I get your perspective but you cam only control what's in your gift. Unfriend him and unable your accounts, or set up a private one.

Nailed it.
With my job we can't even mention on social media

It's a thread about a man saying provocative things, so it'll be likely to have posts about similar occurrences. Not that it's the norm.

I’m just wondering what on earth she did to the dogs.

I agree with this. Sounds very annoying but you're two entities and it's not for him to decide how he expresses his views.

It’s hard to know without knowing the sort of things he posts and how this could influence what you do really. Is what he posts directly contradicting your public role? Or is just that he’s loud and embarrassing?

For example you are the head of an NHS hospital and he’s tweeting that all hospitals should be privatized. That would indicate a lack of common sense and a lack of respect for you (not to mention be an act of economic self harm).

If you are a Conservative MP and he is ranting about the Tories online this is equally self destructive and disrespectful.

If he just likes sounding off about things and gets in his hobby horse and you find it slightly embarrassing I think you have to accept he is entitled to his opinions.

Others are right that you are not responsible for curating your husband’s online persona or for his opinions and it’s a bit ridiculous to ask you to comment on it. You just have to keep reiterating that they are his opinions and not yours.

This is a difficult one. On the one hand, of course he has the right to post whatever he likes. On the other, a good partner would be considerate of how their actions impact the other one.

I also think that it does depend a little on what he's posting. Broadly supportive posts for a political party, or pro-life/pro-abortion rhetoric or whatever are very different to hard core conspiracy theories or posts slagging off individuals/political leaders etc.

Deliberately left all the doors open so they would get onto a main road and tried to feed them a large amount of raisins.

He's as entitled to be a dickhead online as much as anybody else.

However, it does sound as though he could be gaining some form of satisfaction from the negative attention it brings you. And whether people like it or not, it is very possible that a potential candidate/etc is judged in part by the company they keep (as they are for roles where security clearance is necessary).

I'm also willing to bet that Mummy Dearest thinks his opinions are absolutely spiffing and it's not fair on her darling baby boy that you're soooo important and should be put in your place as often as possible.

I don't know about the SM business, but why have you not confronted the MIL about trying to kill the dogs??? Wtf! Why does she want to kill your dogs? She sounds dangerous - a risk to animals in general. What an evil woman. What is she like in wider society - she could be killing all kinds of animals and wildlife. Why are you not confronting her? What if she kills someone else's dog? This is insane!

I mean, I wouldn’t have married someone whose views I found offensive such that they cause other people to confront me about them. I’m guessing by your description they are racist or similar? I just wouldn’t be married to someone like that. I respect that we wouldn’t be 100% the same with our opinions, but I like my partner to broadly share my values so it’s not a surprise that people think that by virtue of being married to him you also must share his opinions. I’d see this as a dealbreaker personally if it happened to me.

Is it far right? I bet it's far right.

I think I would create an image saying "My views do not necessarily align with my husbands' - if you want to discuss his views, talk to him'" and upload it as a profile picture (or write this in a bio, or something). Then also post this message once every month until people stop hassling you about it/him.

More likely it’s right of centre but OP is far left.
Far left don’t like people expressing opinions unless they align with their own

Is he prepared for the hit to your career if he continues?
In your shoes, I wouldn't be on social media in a way that links your professional and home life, so that there's no reason for anyone to associate him with you.
However, if what he's posting is that offensive I'd be thinking twice about continuing the relationship. The fact that he is refusing to compromise would also be an issue.

I think the OP is BVU for not sharing the sort of things he is posting.

Probably because she knows she's being very unreasonable and it's pretty milktoast.

And I'm trying to envisage the 'professional' career that op has which had social media and links to her dhs? Solicitor/teacher/doctor?
Are you an 'influencer'?

What she tried to do to your dogs is vile OMG. No you aren’t censoring him. He can have his views. He just doesn’t need to use his name.

The things that people get cancelled over are far-right borderline racist stuff, trans-related stuff and pro-Palestine stuff, so I reckon it's one of those. I got the impression that OP agreed with him but liked to keep it quiet for career reasons.

@Errors "More likely it’s right of centre but OP is far left.
Far left don’t like people expressing opinions unless they align with their own"

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