Am I ‘censoring’ my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I am very well known in my professional field and, although I have political opinions, I choose to be publicly non-political. My husband is on social media and lots of people know he’s my husband. He likes to post very partisan, provocative political things that many people would find annoying/offensive. I’ve asked him not to do this, for my sake - because my professional life is quite stressful enough without having to deal with people popping up and saying, ‘Hey, what do you think about your husband saying X, Y, Z on Instagram?’

Yesterday he posted something very provocative and when I asked if he’d mind deleting it, reminding him that he promised not to post such things in future, he got very aggressive and defensive and refused to take it down. He said I was trying to censor him, and being unreasonable. Am I?

I then said, ‘I don’t see it as censoring. I see it as asking you not to do/say certain things for my sake - just as, for your sake, I never tell your mother that the reason we don’t invite her to stay any more is because we know she has tried on multiple occasions to kill our dogs, and therefore we know she’s a bit of a psycho and don’t trust her.’ I suggested to my husband that me keeping quiet about all this for his sake, so he can maintain a surface-friendly relationship with his mother, might equally be viewed as censorship. Am I being unreasonable to see this as a valid analogy?

My husband also does this, but he does it under a different name. He chose to do that to avoid any blow back to him in his fairly high profile role.

I like your response. What did he say?

Yes I think your husband could be a bit more clued up with how his tweets etc could reflect on you. Maybe he could change his username to give you a bit more distance?

I'd be more pissed off with 'people' asking for my thoughts of his opinions, like I'm his carer, and shut them down pdq.

I'd unfollow him too.

End of the day, you liked him enough to marry, so his provocative side wasn't too unappealing to you.

Jesus...What's he posting?! It's hard to judge without actually knowing what he's saying, because I'm sat here imagining the worst lol.

I'd ask him why he needs to feel vindicated by strangers on the Internet. I've always thought those who post provocative things online publicly do it for attention, or to validate their own confused feelings.

He has an alt account in a different name, but sometimes wants to say these things as himself - usually, he says, in order to support other people saying similar things.

His response to my analogy about his mother: he said, ‘That’s not the same.’

Eh, I sort of think he should be able to use his social media as he wishes.

I don't think comparing maintaining a civil relationship with his mother by not telling her she's a psycho and not trusted to him posting online political opinions for discussion is a fair comparison.

I can understand him not wanting to change what he is doing (which is fairly normal from what I see on social media!). Why is he responsible for these people that are asking this question? I'd be getting them to stop first.

The people asking you what you think of what your husband posts are deeply annoying. I hope you shut them down pdq.

I can see both sides of this tbh but no, I don’t think that’s a good analogy really.

Taking aside your profession etc do you agree with his political views and what is in his posts?

I find Anyone who likes to be “provocative” on social media a bit tedious to be honest and would wonder if I want to be with someone whose behaviour is blemishing a hard earned professional reputation.

You’re not responsible for his behaviour or views but I guess people will judge you on the basis that you are married to him.

I agree with your husband. He should be able to post whatever he likes on his own social media. Other people shouldn’t be asking you about it, either ignore them or ask them to speak to him directly about his views as they are nothing to do with you.
What kinds of things does he say?

I don’t think the mother analogy is the same. A personal relationship is different to the dynamics of social media. Although is she is as bad as you say I wonder why either of you would want a relationship with her!! Trying to kill my dogs would get someone chucked out of my life pretty damn quick

Watching as my DH has a penchant for online statements and I do worry about the impact on my career!

I had the same situation.

We had no crossover on our SM accounts at all. I never ‘liked ‘ any of his stuff, or engaged with his accounts at all , never put up family stuff on any non private accounts.

If people said stuff about about his postings I would just say ‘no idea, he has his views I have mine’ or ‘you’ll have to ask him’ etc

OP you need to rebuff the questions about your husband, just shrug and say ‘he can say whatever he wants to, you should ask him directly’.

Sorry but your wrong.
Not telling your mil that you think she's a dog murdering psyco is completely different from you policing your husbands social media.
If you find his opinions so egregious then you are incompatible and should leave him instead of attempting to control him because your behaviour is controlling and potential abusive

If anyone asks about his comments just shut them down with
I don’t read them, can’t comment.

Another excellent reason for not changing your name on marriage.

What did she do to try and kill your dogs?
Trying to run them over, let them loose on a busy road, poison them, is very different to giving pampered pooches handfed foie gràs a tin of pedigree chum!

You married a man who has views that you’re embarrassed off.

What did you expect?

Surely the people approaching you know that your husband is a separate person who holds his own unique views?

I don't believe it's right for you to dictate what he can and cannot post personally.

You are not responsible for his posts, any more than you're responsible for the words that come out of his mouth, however unpalatable they may be to other people.

I'm curious as to what he’s saying? But whatever it is, he is responsible for that, not you. You’re not his owner.

I don’t think your analogy stands up to scrutiny. Maintaining a relationship with his mother is a very different scenario to you appeasing people on the Internet.

Personally, I think you just need to shut people down if they ask for your opinion on your husband’s opinion. Something along the lines of he is his own person.

equally, I get why you would be embarrassed from a professional perspective. Clearly, depending on your career, having a family member in the background, husband or an uncle or daughter, doing stuff that leads back to you, can be embarrassing. But just find a way of brushing it off.

Is he saying the sorts of things on SM that give you the ICK? If so, tell him that.

I know that lots of men's ranting on SM gives me the ICK and makes me feel sorry for any females in their lives.

Whilst he has the freedom to write whatever he wants (within reason), you also have the right to tell him how unattractive you find it, the same as if he was picking his nose in front of you.

"When you write those inflammatory things online, knowing it has the potential to damage my career, it really undermines my love for you and makes me feel like you don't give a shit about me. I always thought my husband would be my shield, not an encourager for others to attack me."

I don't think it is up to you to tell him what to do or think but when we lived in a small community where DH had a prominent role I was mindful not to embarrass him.

If his political opinions are likely to have the potential to affect your business and therefore your and HIS way of life, then he is shooting himself in the foot, isn’t he? What an idiot.
I’m a bit sick of men (ie my DH) insisting that their “right to have an opinion” is more important than your own priorities….

I'm a bit on the fence.

He's your husband but he is allowed his own opinions and to express them how he chooses

Being embarrassed by him is ultimately your problem.

But that said, I wouldn't embarrass my husband in this way and he wouldn't do that to me.

I do have an account under a different name on twitter where I'm v v politically vocal, especially.in regards to the plight of Palestine. I couldn't do this under my name because my husband has a particular job where this would be b v complex for him. It's a bit complex for me too in my own profession, but I think more people should stand up and be vocal so I might be more active under my own name if it weren't for DH.

That said, he's his own man and can do what he likes and I kind of agree he shouldn't be censored.

I think it r both right!!