"stop being silly"

[AliceAbsolum]

MIL has DD (21 months) 2 days a week. She's really good with her overall. BUT she doesn't share my (very high) gentle parenting standards.
She rarely takes DD out so by 5pm she's running around the house with loads of energy and MIL will often tell her to stop being so silly.
Or if she's crying she'll say don't cry, don't be upset.

Now maybe I'm being a batshit pfb. Highly likely.
But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

I don't intend to say anything obviously. It's just hard to hand your child over to your village.

You're not handing your child to a village, you're handing it to a woman who is prepared to give up her time two days a week, to look after it.

If a child is in fact being silly, there's no harm in telling them to stop being silly.

Not sure about the 'upset' thing as that would depend entirely on what she's getting upset about.

Yes I think you're being a bit PFB, so it's a case of either lower your '(very high) gentle parenting standards', or pay someone to look after your child.

Well she might think that you constantly validating her feelings will make her lack resilience and be a self indulgent adult..,

There’s always opposing ways of looking at parenting and I’m sure kids do the best with a bit of balance.

Being with her MIL will help her adapt to being around different people because everyone she encounters in life won’t be as gentle as you.

Now maybe I'm being a batshit pfb. Highly likely.
But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

Don't give her to the MIL then.

No, that’s not how you make someone resilient. You can validate feelings without indulging them.

I was supporting the OP there in case that wasn’t clear

I think many of us survived that kind of childhood, back when it was assumed children would have some resilience and were not considered to be the centre of the universe.

Since childhood mental health seems to be much worse than it used to be, perhaps learning from the older generation might be worthwhile, rather than taking faddy advice from modern books that people made up as they went along.

Alternatively, go with parenting instinctively, based on your own experience of growing up and let MIL do what she thinks is right, unless she’s actually demonstrably putting your daughter at risk.

Dealing with different people with different styles is surely useful for the wider world where folk are inconsistent and have different approaches, many of which won’t be perfect.

I’m not saying that’s how I feel or parent. I’m just saying that MIL has a different style of looking after children and may have her own reasons for that style just like OP has hers.

Ultimately, if MIL’s style goes so against OP’s philosophy on parenting then she will have to get childcare elsewhere.

Plus MIL must have done a decent enough job raising kids or you wouldn’t have married one of them!

She sounds like she's doing just fine to me.

Children learn to behave according to who they are with. DD being told not to be silly won t be scarred for life.

And as usual: if you don't like it, fork out the 500 quid a month (or whatever it is) for paid-for childcare. Then you can specify how they should look after her.

I mean... I'd encourage her to get out with DD during the day, since that would deal with the problem at its source. Beyond that I don't think I'd raise this with her. If she's being silly she needs to stop, likely for her own safety.

As always the first reply nails it.

OP your MIL saves you hundreds of pounds every month by spending two days looking after your child. She might not always do things the way you do but you do seem to be minimizing just how much she's doing for you.

If you don't like it then you're absolutely more than reasonable to pay someone to look after her.

Your DC is going to be influenced by many people in her lifetime, and as long as none of them are abusive it is that variety which will make her resilient and confident in herself. She will learn different people and places have different expectations and will mould her behaviour to suit.

Almost 2 year olds are silly. There is a time to be silly and there is also a time to not be silly and your daughter needs to learn there are times you can’t be silly. It sounds like you think your MIL might not be letting her be silly but also maybe you aren’t telling there is also a time not to be silly.

The bigger problem is that MIL isn’t parenting how you want, taking her out. A 21 month old is a lot and your MIL shouldn’t have to take her out if she feels she can’t cope. That does she might be sillier and MIL might not cope well with that. But your alternative is paid childcare.

Pay for childcare in the style of your choosing. The alternative is going to damage your relationship with MIL because you don't trust her to look after your child.

“Being invalidated” ..FFS. She’s 2 . Unless your MIL is being cruel, putting your child in danger etc you are going to have to suck up differences in “parenting” style. Or look after your child yourself for 24 hrs a day every day.

If she is good enough to babysit twice a week (assuming for free too), then either accept this or pay for childcare.

I think if that’s the way you parent your children, fine, I parent similar but you can’t expect your parents or PIL to completely change the way they are because it won’t happen. My dad has a habit of constantly saying good girl to my 3yo when she’s literally doing nothing and will say don’t cry because he doesn’t want to see her upset. I just smile and nod.

I have read all the books but I still tell my kids to pack it in sometimes and to stop crying for no reason, it just slips out!

The main influence is you and her Dad, no one else and she’s going to meet lots of different in life who treat her different to you and ‘parent’ different

OP it sounds like your MIL deals with your DD in a slightly different way to you.

She is not parenting your child (gentle or otherwise), as only you and your DH can do that. Your DD will at the age of 4 spend 5 days a week with a teacher who will also deal with her in their own way (and probably not with as much love as your MIL)

Part of being resilient is learning that not everyone reacts to you in the same way. Your DD will learn that and it’s a foos
thing.

Your DD is being gentle parented, regardless of the fact that she has other interactions. The time she is with MIL won’t undo what you are doing, it merely teaches her that not everyone acts exactly the same as mummy and daddy.

I think you are being OTT, and as someone with absolutely no village, you don’t seem to realise how lucky you are that your DD can be looked after by loving family. If these are the biggest concerns you have, I’d say MIL is doing a good job.

you will have a reality check if/ when the go to nursery and become one of many, or school. They do have to fall in line.

Now maybe I'm being a batshit pfb. Highly likely.
But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

You are, indeed, being a batshit pfb. Your child's future mental health will not be impact by an adult telling her 'stop being silly' when she's less than two years old. Get a grip.

Your 'very high gentle parenting standards' are not going to be upheld by the people who care for your child at nursery / preschool / school as she gets older, either, so both you and your daughter need to get used to the fact that not everyone will 'validate' her every whim all the time because, you know, the other people around her also have needs and feelings and eventually she'll need to understand that hers are not necessarily more important than theirs.

You could always pay for your childcare if you don’t like it. Sounds like you’re the one being silly.

@AliceAbsolum are you for real???

If you don't want your mil to deal with your daughter, pay for childcare. You are being ridiculous