"stop being silly"

[AliceAbsolum]

MIL has DD (21 months) 2 days a week. She's really good with her overall. BUT she doesn't share my (very high) gentle parenting standards.
She rarely takes DD out so by 5pm she's running around the house with loads of energy and MIL will often tell her to stop being so silly.
Or if she's crying she'll say don't cry, don't be upset.

Now maybe I'm being a batshit pfb. Highly likely.
But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

I don't intend to say anything obviously. It's just hard to hand your child over to your village.

I noticed whenever my MIL has looked after my kids they never ever go out. Not to the park or a soft play or anything. And I figure out MIL (late 60’s now) is probably in pain and tired far more than she lets on, and she’s always cold too. She is a free “service” when we need her and a cherished granny, I’d never dream of bossing her around like that.

I don't think you're necessarily wrong for how you feel or in wanting your DD to be parented in a particular way.

However your choices are...look after her yourself or pay someone to do it under your direction.

That's it.

Precisely! Like the thread where the OP complained to the school about the teacher correcting errors in English/maths classwork!

Oh please do link to that thread I could do with a laugh

She's probably too bloody scared!

Will look but am sure disappeared for 'privacy issues'...!.😆

Yes you are being pfb.

The only thing you should say to your mil is 'thank you.'

Your child's mental health is much more likely to be adversely affected by strict gentle parenting imo. The soaring rise in kids with anxiety who have zero resilience is testament to that.

If your DD isn’t behaving it’s fine for her to be told off. Thats how she will learn.

I do think that the effects of this kind of parenting will eventually cause a swing towards more firm parenting in the long run.

I see so many examples of what is in reality poor parenting as children are taught no resilience whatsoever.

The thread where the parent was miffed the school wouldn’t replace a sticker her child lost was ridiculous.

She’s a MIL, she’ll do far more things that you’ll disagree with in future.
MIL’s are the most detested people on MN. You’re beginning to see why.
😉😁😁.

Oh bloody hell yes @Msmoonpie ! But the OP was well backed up by posters in agreement of how emotionally damaging it was to not have a replacement sticker, and how evil and horrible the head was!

Have a second baby. That will solve it. As you won't care less what your MIL does and you'll be shouting "Stop being silly!" yourself. Multiple times a day.

😁

Good lord. And people wonder why there's a behaviour crisis in schools. They are half full of kids whose parents don't give a shit and half full of kids whose parents were probably too scared of ever telling them off in case it damaged their mental health. Seriously, you can't truly believe that 'being silly' is some kind of terrible accusation to level at a child?!

Obviously don't know the ins and outs of your childhood but one younger sibling has (properly diagnosed) C-PTSD from the upbringing that we had. It wasn't caused by telling a toddler to "stop being silly", believe me.

Children need to be safe, secure and protected but they aren't the centre of the universe and to make them think that they are is also incredibly damaging, because they will soon find out that they really aren't.

Threads like this always explain to me why the 18 year olds I manage can't handle the workplace. Gentle parenting is setting kids up to fail in the real world. I've got one that cries at least once a week, another who's mother regularly phones because her son has had to do work he doesn't want to do and two who have anxiety and can't deal with customers. You need to install some sort of resilience into your child because she's going to struggle if she goes to uni/work. Your MIL comes from a different generation and probably thinks gentle parenting is a joke (like most of us). Saying don't be silly isn't going to harm her, she's not smacking or mistreating her. If you don't like it then maybe you should give up work and care for her yourself because that's the only way you'll ensure your daughter is being looked after the way you want.

Yes you're being bat shit. You want to do things a certain way, great. If your MIL doesn't align with your standards, stop using her for free childcare. Otherwise accept that not everyone agrees with your approach and will parent the way they think is appropriate

But this surely isn’t ideal regular childcare, two days a week? A child just stuck in the house all day and told off when she’s understandably climbing the walls by late afternoon?

As an occasional emergency, ok - but not regular childcare.

Your feelings are valid!

Remember as her parent you’re the key influence here even if she’s with MIL 2 days a week. So keep validating and letting her be upset or whatever, you can’t control what happens when she’s there but you can control what happens in YOUR home.

The silly thing would annoy me - toddlers are like dogs they need running and wearing out! And it’s less stressful and they make less mess if you get out of the house! Do you know why she doesn’t take her out? Is it anxiety or does she need encouraging to take her to playgroup/swimming/the park? All kill a couple of hours and mean (in my experience) afternoons are much nicer once we’ve all been out! Perhaps have a discussion about? Or DH can?

Your alternative would be a full time minder very specifically trained in your methods. I can guarantee you a nursery will not refrain from telling a child to stop being silly or stop crying for no reason. As often as not 'silly' is a code word for naughty and a nicer way of dealing with a child doing destructive things.

Example - child overturns something on purpose and makes a mess. The adult could leave them do what they want without consequence thus raising a difficult spoilt child, or get angry with them which is obviously not ideal. Instead the minder might say 'oh no, you made a silly mess, now you have to pick it up'. Child doesn't want to so starts to cry. Child is told to stop crying and pick up the things and not allowed do anything else until it's done (mostly by the adult but with some 'help'). A child that age doesn't cry just from sadness, they will just as easily cry when they have to do something they dont want. Child learns after a few attempts that creating a mess is not worth it and tears will not change the outcome. The result is a child who does not intentionally throw things around.

I would be frustrated that MIL isn't taking her out, I'm surprised the post is focusing on more minor issues like words used and not questioning the much bigger concern.

Gentle parenting isn’t the reason those teenagers have no resilience. It’s likely passive or helicopter parenting, parents who never let their child feel sad or angry or disappointed and instead coddled them.

Validating feelings isn’t pandering it’s literally acknowledging ‘hey I know you wanted to keep watching bluey, tv is all done for the day, I know it’s hard’ and then just riding out the storm. Usually here it’s a couple of minutes, a hug, and then we go on with our day. Not sure why that’s being blamed for the state of society!

Maybe she identifies as a vampire.

Apart from...you can't. Why do people always say this? A childminder or nursery will look after her kid the same as all the others and she will have no say in it. Unless she employs a nanny and even then it's going to be difficult unless there's a lot of choice of nannies and she managed to find one with the same style.

You are not being unreasonable to be concerned about your child’s feelings being validated, no. Children who get taught that their feelings are irrelevant grow up to be people pleasers who let people abuse them.

OTOH your child’s most significant influences are you and presumably her father. Her Gm won’t have the same impact.

This website is very anti giving a shit which is so odd given it's a parenting site but not given the incidence of mental health problems in young people.