"stop being silly"

[AliceAbsolum]

MIL has DD (21 months) 2 days a week. She's really good with her overall. BUT she doesn't share my (very high) gentle parenting standards.
She rarely takes DD out so by 5pm she's running around the house with loads of energy and MIL will often tell her to stop being so silly.
Or if she's crying she'll say don't cry, don't be upset.

Now maybe I'm being a batshit pfb. Highly likely.
But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

I don't intend to say anything obviously. It's just hard to hand your child over to your village.

Dear god, I've heard it all now. When did "stop being silly" invalidate someone's feelings - whatever the fuck that means. If your daughter has mental health issues whe she's older, it won't be because her loving grandmother said that to her. If anyone needs to stop being silly, it's you.

It's free child care. If you don't like it, don't use it - find someone you can pay, have a contract with, and who will then have to obey your silly rules.

Also this But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.🙄

Well that's very helpful, thanks all that replied.
Didn't think about how it's good for her to be exposed to lots of different ways of interacting.

I am super grateful for mil. And I don't expect her to do everything exactly the same way I'd do it.
I'm probably being quite over controlling and worrying.

Fuck me I’ve heard it all now.

In a roundabout way, It’s this kind of stuff that people were so sick of that they voted for Trump.

"Validate her feelings" 😅

She's 21 months old, not 21 years! Pay for childcare if you don't appreciate what your family are willing to do for free.

I think what matters is how the child is brought up the majority of the time

My DC would not be with someone two days a week - even a grandparent - who hardly ever takes them out. That isn’t healthy, in my book. Kids need fresh air and lots of running around for exercise - and basically to wear them out. I took mine out practically every day I had them and they played out at nursery.

This is the problem. Can you at least pick her up quickly at 5 and have 15 minutes outside, even in the dark? I think that’s a bigger issue than whether she will be impacted by being told she’s being silly.

Either that, or you’re going to have to ask MIL to take her out. To me it’s blindingly obvious that kids who have been kept in all day will go a bit wild by late afternoon. If MIL is expecting her to sit quietly all day then this really is poor quality childcare.

Is there a particular reason your MiL doesn't take dd out?

I don't know. I'm 52 and am in therapy, dealing with the lingering, but serious, aftereffects of the kind of childhood where children were shown on a daily basis that they were not the centre of the universe. Without being actively abusive, it was an incredibly damaging way to grow up, and that was in part because my parents had also come from families with still more entrenched 'children should just get on with whatever' views.

I hope you don't plan to send your child to nursery or school. If she's being silly there she will be told to stop. Unless your MIL is screaming and swearing at your DD just let it go.
Being upset is different but it does depend why she's upset. Overall I think you are being unreasonable but you don't have to let your MIL look after your DD if you don't like it.

My question too

But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

Fucking hell.

But you'd still have no guarantee some MW earning childcarer wouldn;t tell her to stop being silly or not to cry.

OP, accept you can't be with your child 24/7 and that she can cope with different carers reacting in different ways with her.

If you seriously think she will suffer poor mental health from being told not to be silly when she is a pre-schooler then you need to develop her resilience or rejoice that you think her life will be so free from serious trauma that this is the only straw she can clutch at as evidence of mistreatment.

Parents are the main influence. If involved parents create good self esteem, it’s very hard for a third party to destroy it. You can’t control every second of her experience when you’re not there. Prepare to control less and less as she gets older. 18 (and total responsibility for her own life) will come a lot sooner than you think.

There's absolutely no harm in telling a a child not to be silly. Your DD won't even remember it.

She doesn't need to be "validated" all the time, she needs to be parented, or grandparented and to know the boundaries.

She doesn't need her feelings validating OP. She hasn't suffered an emotional injury. She just needs to learn that when grandma tells you to stop being silly its time to stop.

I parent in a similar way, we don't use the word silly here but they have been exposed to it. But I have found that as they spent the majority of time with us that we were the main influence. I have older children who are perfectly resilient and have good self confidence.

YABVU.

Unless you’re paying for childcare, you get what you’re given. She must be saving you a fortune!

I understand her not taking her out. Especially in this weather. A less than 2 year old is hard work and your MIL is a lot older than you.

Im thinking of the gentlest way to say this - but as the mother of a 7yo and 11yo if you’re worried about a few harmless words damaging her MH then you’re fucked when she starts school and kids say all sorts to her. Trust me, you want to build a resilient child now. I don’t understand parents who never want their child to ever have an adverse experience. I’ve seen those kind of kids grow up and they’re gibbering messes by the time they hit the age of 7. And secondary school these days is not for the faint hearted kids. I know it’s easy to stay in the toddler bubble but you have gotta start thinking long term

Great post

Other childcare options are available. You have a choice.

Send Mil to me

I'll have her

She can say that all she likes

😆

Since childhood mental health seems to be much worse than it used to be, perhaps learning from the older generation might be worthwhile, rather than taking faddy advice from modern books that people made up as they went along

^

This needs to be the first post on the vast majority of threads on here these days

A1.

Hope you’re happy with yourself OP! (Only kidding but this post made me chuckle)

She's far more likely to end up suffering from mental health issues due to the '(very high standard of) gentle parenting', IMHO.

They say behaviour is communication. To a point, yes. However there's nothing wrong with a 'firm' reminder as well. Sometimes kids don't take you seriously unless you raise your voice a bit.