"stop being silly"

[AliceAbsolum]

MIL has DD (21 months) 2 days a week. She's really good with her overall. BUT she doesn't share my (very high) gentle parenting standards.
She rarely takes DD out so by 5pm she's running around the house with loads of energy and MIL will often tell her to stop being so silly.
Or if she's crying she'll say don't cry, don't be upset.

Now maybe I'm being a batshit pfb. Highly likely.
But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

I don't intend to say anything obviously. It's just hard to hand your child over to your village.

So mil is in her 60s and isn't hugely confident going out generally, let alone with a toddler. Fair enough. She does lots with her and she has a garden. In an ideal world they'd go out more but I'm grateful for what she does.
She does a brilliant job and I don't mean to come across like I'm ungrateful. I'm very aware of how lucky I am to have her.

I am just very keen on validating my child's feelings. No one learnt to regulate their emotions by being told they shouldn't have them!

I would say I'm quite strict on her. She says please and thank you all the time, we don't let her put her feet up on the table, or throw things or make loads of mess, etc.

Surely people can see the usefulness of having tight boundaries but also putting their emotional lives front and centre?

If you were upset and someone told you not to be... That would help would it?

@AliceAbsolum you have responded well in this thread. I really recommend now that you hide this thread and go and do something else. As it's in Active you're going to get another 100 comments reacting only to your initial post, and this can feel really brutal. It's just the undertow of the platform design and forum culture - it's not personal at all.

Go cuddle your baby and feel better. Your MIL is fine. You're fine. Your baby is fine. Good luck to you! 💐

These stories of “I was called silly once and it upset me”….in 20 years time I’ve no doubt that our own kids will identify a fuck up in our parenting that we thought was a good idea at the time, and will be moaning online. The expectation of perfection or else you were mistreated is (please don’t come for my by using this word) quite silly

You're focusing on entirely the wrong thing. 2 days a week for a 2year old barely leaving the house is the bit I'd worry about!

"But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future."

You're way overthinking it. She's with her 2 days a week.

Relax. Your child will be fine.

Honestly - yes. Sometimes you need a metaphorical slap in the face/handed a grip. It hasn’t harmed you in this thread afterall, I feel you’ve taken in what people have said and haven’t got upset about the comments. It’s absolutely fine to tell a child they’re being unreasonable or over reacting. They need to be able to have a measured viewpoint to prepare them for the big wide world. Better that you tell them that than the first time being a teacher when they’re 4 (because they will).

It’s sad that your MIL isn’t confident enough to go out. This is common with people of that age, and the other posters sneering about it may wanna remember they will be in their 60’s one day!

It amazes me how many people think that permissive or uninvolved parenting is gentle parenting. They’re very different from one another.

I agree with this. Not everyone handles having their arse handed to them so well!

I don't see anything wrong. But little kids are like dogs. They need to be walked daily.. keeping toddlers cooped up doesn't end well. But it's only 2 days a week so shouldn't hurt.

So yes acknowledging emotions and having clear boundaries and expectations is a good thing. But your DD won't get this 'ideal' carer experience all the time. If it's most of her experience (with you) then then I wouldn't sweat it. If she was spending 60% of her life having interactions that told her she wasn't upset or cold or whatever when she was then maybe this would be a thing...

Your very high parenting skills that mean dropping your dd off with your MIL who doesn’t take her out all day sometimes and tells her not to cry when she is upset . You clearly don’t have the high standards to adder this ! You just need free care so are using a sub-stand service . Send your DD somewhere decent !

I think I get it ... and it's not what OP thinks it is.

I regret the many, many times I've told a child "You're not cold/hungry/tired!" The only person who knows how the child feels is the child. Since belatedly learning about this, I'm more likely to say "How much does it hurt? Big hurt or just a tiny hurt? Yes, it looks like a very little hurt. Tsk. Never mind, eh. All better now?"

It's a miniscule amount more effort than saying "Nah, that doesn't hurt!" and respects the child's own experience while guiding her/him to be a bit sensible about it.

Behaviour isn't a feeling, however. Being silly is being silly. There are times when silly behaviour isn't appropriate, and kids depend on their adults to help them learn about this.

"Don't be upset" is a less than ideal response to signs of distress, but it's still better than making a five-course emotional banquet out of a weepy little side-dish. There's a LOT of value in "Oh dear, never mind" type statements!

Wise parenting lesson from Battery Sergeant Major Williams 😏

By child number 3 you will be laughing at all of this and will be so grateful to have a MIL (with a garden for outdoor play) willing to look after your kids for nothing.

Wise parenting lesson from Battery Sergeant Major Williams

🤣🤣🤣

Children tend to cope fine with the fact that different people have different ways of relating to them - it's all part of learning about life and people. I would not worry about this.

What's a pfb?

@Katemax82 - PFB- precious first born-

Im a grandparent. My gentle daughter spends about half an hour gently discussing why they need to leave the house with 2 yr old GS whenever they go anywhere and validating any objections he raises based on his own preference to stay in and watch dinosaur programs. I'm baffled by this, but I respect this is how the younger generation parent. And GS also gets that when he leaves the house with me, I just tell him where we're going and that we must get our shoes on and go. Kids are inherently good at learning different people and different situations have different rules.

You're lucky to have a MIL who is able and willing to look after your child, even if she's not confident to go out much herself, extra nice of her to expend the energy that childcare requires, and hopefully they have their own lovely bond as a result, it'll just be different to yours.

I think it might help if you were crying over having the blue cup and not the green, despite choosing the blue cup when offered.

Two years get themselves in a tizzy over nonsense.

I'm more of a 'both cups are the same size and the juice tastes the same ' parent. In those circumstances being told you are silly to cry about it seems fair enough.

I'm sure she comforts her for real distress and doesn't tell her to stop crying if she's cut her knee.

I live next door to a childminder. She is brilliant at diffusing toddler tantrums with clear simple instructions and choices, not a discussion of their feelings. I hear parents outside negotiating with them forever over stupid things and it doesn't appear to help.

spends about half an hour gently discussing why they need to leave the house with 2 yr old GS whenever they go anywhere and validating any objections he raises
good lord that's tedious, it'll be fun when he's a bit older and arguing about everything

I spent a lot of time with my grandad as a child. My gm had passed at a youngish age. I followed him everywhere. He gave me tasks, mostly got on with his life and l joined in. There was no gentle parenting just presence. As l grew older it was one of the strongest foundations of my life. Him just being there, noticing me, giving me responsibility at a very early age helping with tasks all combined to give me a solid core alongside that of my parents. Kids know when they are loved. If she an happily join in gms life one of two little hiccups won't destroy that.
And as an aside being in her 60s is not too old to go outside, plan adventures..she is not 90!!! Children are like puppies..they need to be walked or they do get" silly". Encourage her out. Leave a warm coat, hat etc and say these are for her walk grandma.

Hey OP, I worry about this at times too. Especially as my own Mum is no nonsense. I had therapy a while ago and I aired something similar to this.

The therapists words stuck with me - 'YOU are the buffer between your children and your parents'. Their words/actions don't impact anywhere near as much as you think. The bond and attachment is with you. If that is strong then the rest falls away.

I think this can apply to your situation. Equally OP - your DD is going to face a mean world. She's going to get shouted at by teachers, have to deal with angry bosses, she'll have falling outs with friends etc etc. Having everyone around you subscribe to your way of parenting doesn't teach her to cope with the world.

You are her safe place, but other people in the world aren't quite so kind. A grandma calling her silly is a drop in the ocean considering.

Basically you choose how to parent her but to want control over how everyone else in her life has a relationship and interacts with her - is damaging to her development and isolating.

Generations of kids have been told to stop being silly. I was, my own kids were. You are making far too big a deal about it.

What are very high gentle parenting standards (I dread to think).

The word that wasn’t allowed in either mine or my parents house though was stupid. No one was allowed to be called stupid, which I think is a good rule. Silly is pretty mild.

Yes - but I took mine out even if just for a run or walk around the block.

But I do agree - this doesn’t sound like it’s working and if MIL is struggling then it isn’t fair to rely on her.

I am lying laughing at that Windsor Davies gif. When we got a skint knee or a bruise or whatever and were crying my dad used to have a long hard look at the ‘injury’ then come back in with a carving knife/ hacksaw and offer to chop off whatever it was that we’d scraped. I vividly remember running away screaming from the secateurs, God help me.

Not best practice really is it but we are all very good at withstanding pain to be fair to him 😂