to die on this particular hill? (nits)

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

DD’s class/school is a nitfest, has been since reception. I did the research, bought the Hedrin/Vosene/NitNot/NitWit/cheap conditioner/Derbac/Vamoose/Full Marks/various combs and check or treat her hair as needed, probably spending an hour a fortnight on average over the past four years.

DH was horrified at this being a thing - he reckons that in his (Soviet) childhood anyone with nits would be sent home and not allowed back to school until they were clear. He also moaned endlessly about the fact of us (me) having to do the treatments/checks, how greasy the treatment leaves the bathtub, anything really. Which was galling since he did fuck all, but there we are.

DH had one job (eagle eyed readers may see where this is going) - tie up DD’s hair before school and spray the peppermint thing that does actually seem to have some deterrent effect, on the two days I go to work early. He doesn’t do this consistently, hardly ever actually. I have reminded him x times.

I checked DD this weekend, found nits, did the whole shebang. DH was napping at the time I think. Later I told him for the nth time that this is incredibly frustrating, and he needs to do the two things that actually seem to make a difference when I am not there. I threatened to stop managing the rest of the process if he didn’t since I am basically wasting my time.

Yesterday for irrelevant reasons DD was off school first thing; he dropped her at my work for me to take her to an appointment and then school later. Were the things done? Nope. I’d even left the bloody spray on the breakfast table so it was in sight.

I rang him up; I let him know that I was dropping the rope on nits. He could manage them, or not, but I am out. Cue lots of frothing and anger and I can’t do this/he can’t do this.

I have every intention of sticking to my guns on this. Aibu?

Ds had short hair and he was always catching nots from the children whose parents didn't bother. We used to comb out the lice and then eggs religiously, then a couple of days later he'd be crawling with big bastards again.

I don't know but there's headlice repellent hair spray you can buy

The problem is that your dh has already demonstrated how little interest he has in your dd's wellbeing by not doing a simple task to keep her healthy. I'd be worried that he definitely won't do the more tricky task of de-nitting.

That said, I can't tell you how angry I'd be. Honestly, he's pathetic and a shitty dad and partner.

Does he just not care about her being itchy and uncomfortable? What a selfish arsehole!

Ooft you have my sympathy OP, I’m going though it with my daughter right now. She had it a few times before the summer as well and she’s 10, we were lucky to escape it this long? Are you sure they are actually being treated properly each time? Rather than her being continually reinfected, perhaps you are missing some. I use the big bottle of Hedrin that goes on overnight and the hair has to be totally saturated, and then again a week later to catch any that were unhatched when the treatment was applied. I find the mousses useless and actually harder to soak the hair with.
I’ve never heard of the peppermint repellent! I might try that on my DD. She always has her hair up. Thankfully I’m almost always the one that deals with her hair in the morning my OH would be worse than useless. I put up with it because he is good in other ways, but if your OH is just useless in general and uses weaponised incompetence to shirk his responsibilities then this needs dealing with and a serious chat. I couldn’t just leave it all to him though cos in the end it is dd that will suffer.

Did you actually read the post??

Having moved here from oz where anyone who scratches is immediately checked and sent home if nits are found I find the English approach to nits so odd. My kids never ever got them in Oz and yet here they are constantly catching them. Why are schools so laissez faire about them?

I was 13 in 1990, and am Nowhere Near grandparent stage. My youngest is 7, oldest 12.

@Brefugee Whaaat?! I was born in 1984, I'm 40 and have a 9yr old. Any 40 yr old that has grandchildren must've had their kids wayyyyyy too young and influenced their own kids to do the same!

Not treating your child’s hair for lice, when you know they have them is a form of neglect, so in a way some commenters are correct classing it has a form of abuse.
If the school inform a parent their child has lice, and the parents choose to not do anything and the school notice it will be logged on the system so that they can build an overall picture of what may be happening at home.
luckily as a mum of boys who keeps their hair super short we’ve avoided most of them, but I’ve had to treat once before and they had already passed them to me by the time I realised which in my hair, was a nightmare.
My friends of girls use hairspray or lemon oil spray which seems effective at keeping them out, on the days you are working early I would plait her hair before bedtime so worse case it stays in that style in the morning and then get your daughter to spray the peppermint on herself. I wouldn’t not treat your daughter if she does catch them because he hasn’t done her hair but i absolutely wouldn’t be going out of my way to help him if you normally do the clothes washing etc

You have boys so you've never had nits? Do you think nits are gender specific? 🤨

You realise that the peppermint treatment and tying her hair back won't actually have any effect over whether or not she gets nits.
Are you actually treating the whole family consistently for 2 weeks and changing the bedding etc? That's the only way to stop them.
Also are you reporting to school every time your daughter gets nits? Because you should be.

By boys never got nits but my daughter did when in primary school

I got nits frequently as a child it drove my mum mad, it was one child who was my friend and wasn't being treated so it repeatedly spread. She also had bad tooth decay, shame more wasn't done but I didn't think about it at the time.

None of my three have ever had nits throughout schooling and we only had a letter saying they were in the class once so they really aren't inevitable like I used to think

You realise you're wrong and it totally makes a difference....

It’s only your daughter who will suffer as your ‘D’H’s selective incompetence will mean he never treats her. I would tell him that you are going on strike in some other area that will really actually hit him eg no cooking for him or doing his washing or something. Arrogant twat!!

Mine have grown out of that stage now, but having caught them several times, we started using the Nitty Gritty repellent spray and never caught them after that. Dont know if they still make it but it was in a deep blue bottle, smelt quite nice and really did seem to work.

YABU to leave DD untreated and so is your DH. I can’t imagine having a head full of lice crawling around her hair and then undoubtedly yours and DH is the right move here

There’s a solution for this. Pretend to find bits on your husband. I guarantee that will make him more interested in prevention measures for your DD.

At the very least, it will provide you with some entertainment to see the shear panic from him.

Don’t let your child suffer for your DH’s laziness/incompetence! x

I think it would be proportionate to expect him to treat her this time, but it would be toys-out-of-pram to retire from this bit of her care completely. If he calls your bluff I do think you need to treat her so while it's a reasonable play, I would not frame it as a hill to die on.

Make it about respect (for you) rather than nits. He probably doesn't rate the peppermint spray. Fine. But it's important to you. You're asking him to do it out of consideration for you, and respect for your time. We make this sort of effort all the time in marriage - doing the washing up when we'd rather leave it overnight, or changing the towels more often, because it's important to our partner.

Comb your DD's hair, save some nits, quietly drop them on his head. He will soon change his tune.

Dd3 is 16 and still uses lice repellent shampoo even though she hasn't had nits since primary school when it a constant battle. I've just found myself itching thinking of them!
If your dh is anything like my ex dh who comes from a country where they used to completely shave the child's hair if they caught nits he won't put in the effort. Perhaps ask your dd to remind him.

I have 3 dd and one ds - all 3dd had nits (dd1 and dd3 seem to be especially attracted to them) but ds never had them. He also always had short hair and wasn't as sociable!

This is brilliant - Op this is your answer.

Cut her hair short until she can manage it herself

They should not be this bad! I have two girls (now teens) and they have never had nits. I think we were just lucky, I did a few preventative comb throughs when we got letters from school. Someone she is close to is not treating them. The school needs to crack down. That said, your DH’s ineptitude would infuriate me.