to die on this particular hill? (nits)

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

DD’s class/school is a nitfest, has been since reception. I did the research, bought the Hedrin/Vosene/NitNot/NitWit/cheap conditioner/Derbac/Vamoose/Full Marks/various combs and check or treat her hair as needed, probably spending an hour a fortnight on average over the past four years.

DH was horrified at this being a thing - he reckons that in his (Soviet) childhood anyone with nits would be sent home and not allowed back to school until they were clear. He also moaned endlessly about the fact of us (me) having to do the treatments/checks, how greasy the treatment leaves the bathtub, anything really. Which was galling since he did fuck all, but there we are.

DH had one job (eagle eyed readers may see where this is going) - tie up DD’s hair before school and spray the peppermint thing that does actually seem to have some deterrent effect, on the two days I go to work early. He doesn’t do this consistently, hardly ever actually. I have reminded him x times.

I checked DD this weekend, found nits, did the whole shebang. DH was napping at the time I think. Later I told him for the nth time that this is incredibly frustrating, and he needs to do the two things that actually seem to make a difference when I am not there. I threatened to stop managing the rest of the process if he didn’t since I am basically wasting my time.

Yesterday for irrelevant reasons DD was off school first thing; he dropped her at my work for me to take her to an appointment and then school later. Were the things done? Nope. I’d even left the bloody spray on the breakfast table so it was in sight.

I rang him up; I let him know that I was dropping the rope on nits. He could manage them, or not, but I am out. Cue lots of frothing and anger and I can’t do this/he can’t do this.

I have every intention of sticking to my guns on this. Aibu?

Yes I think nit treatments just aren't as effective as they used to be and people do treat but they come back anyway. I had 22 dds go through primary school and used to comb them daily but stayed mercifully nit free for several years despite lots of other parents driving themselves mad over reinfestation and messages from school. Once they finally caught them they seemed stubbornly to reappear for a while. Combing seems the best bet but a pita in its own way

Agree that your husband is being a dick about this. However the amount of treatments you’re having to do seems ridiculous. My kids have never had nits (thankfully), not a gloat, just highlighting the difference. I may be wrong but I’m sure this level of infestation isn’t normal. Couldn’t the school do more to share information about nits with parents and try to tackle the issue. It doesn’t seem fair in families to have to cope with this.

Jesus really?! That's essentially how we've always done things to avoid the overwhelm. Abuse?? Sometimes this website is bonkers.

Totally agree with you about being able to feel them, I'm getting sensations just reading this thread 😂

Same

I spent 6 years battling nits on dd (and her silblings)

We'd be clear of them,she'd go back to school and be infested again

Turns out,one kid (an only child) was the one passing them on-her hair was moving,it was that bad

Mum was smugly heard saying that as she worked full time,she didn't have time to check her dds head

Half the class parents turned on her and gave her a few home truths-it's abuse

She went off sobbing to the teacher,who told her the same thing

The following Monday,the child had been given a haircut and nobody caught nits again

That woman cost me so much in time and money

All because she was a lazy cow

I've been abused and I would call this abuse.

It's neglect. In the same way that not brushing your child's teeth as a preventative measure is neglect. Neglect is abusive.

Not all abuse is violence.

You seem to have to treat an awful lot. Is this normal for schools?

We had a few outbreaks in primary school in the years my kids were there (small school though). Kids picked them up only once.

It sounds like a complete ordeal, you have my sympathy OP.

Can you not sit and discuss it more ?
Do him a list of things to remember on the mornings he gets dd ready?
I know you shouldn't have too.
But if he doesn't treat her and you don't then only one person suffers .
Also do you comb everyday ? Even if she has not got any?.
It's worth doing .

Allowing your child to suffer in ANY way is abuse. I don’t really care about what the parents thought of me their child was suffering and they were allowing it. My partner comes from country where you are reported to child services if you do not treat your child. His mother was disgusted by how often our daughter was treated (she ended up with dermatitis from the treatment).

There's always one child who's always infested and never gets treated. Schools aren't allowed to do anything about it these days. A girl in my son's maths class (yr 8) has very visible nits. It's mostly girls because they have long hair and tend to sit closer to each other.

has he contracted nits yet? get her did give daddy a big love with her hair down and see how he likes it

My DD was in hair tied up required school. I checked her every weekend, evert Saturday. She got nits often anyway every term. Used the spray to prevent. Followed instructions on box, stripped bed, washed everything. Treated myself if necessary.

There are mums who don’t bother or think the remedy is too expensive and use “hot water” or “hair dryer on hot” or other home spun nonsense. My child never gets them (because you never check!!) Their kids carry the nits all year. They give them to your child.

Dont blame DH, look around the school parents - it’s them!

Girls seem to put heads together a lot, swap clothes, it’s close contact that spreads it. Playgrounds, indoor gyms, “reading corner” with pillows at school.

Tying up hair is not enough.

Some cultures stigmatise things like nits (despite them being attracted to clean hair), and I think your DH comes from one of those. The former Soviet Union had lots of great education on one level, but huge undereducation when it came to medicating and personal hygiene. Your DH ideally needs to get over his past and himself. But my partner too has always been "scared" of cutting the children's nails. It's utter bullshit and they are just putting themselves first. I've given up trying to push it, however, for an easier life, but will try to change expectations with my own children, so the mums don't always end up doing the lion's share of everything.

I highly doubt a child would be sent home with nits in Soviet times. We had them as children, went to school and nursery as normal. There wasn't anything to treat lice anyway. We had to put kerosene on our heads and wrap it in a plastic bag.
I also highly doubt that a male brought up in "Soviet times" has even been told to take any responsibility for his children. So you have a right battle on your hands if you think you can change his mindset.
Ultimately, if neither of you do it, then it's your daughter who will suffer. Up to you whether you want for it to happen. Might be worth spending some time with her and teaching her how to tie her hair properly and how to use the spray. Seems like an easier solution than training your husband to be a functional adult.

He sounds like an old-school chauvinist, so I doubt this is the only hill you're dealing with.

You put my point better @Catza

YANBU

(Also could you please tell me the name of the peppermint stuff @TheWayTheLightFalls Thank you!)

I feel like there are more problems in the relationship than just this issue.

And whilst I don't blame you for threatening to leave it to him to sort completely, he isn't going to, is he? And he won't be the one suffering, either. So it isn't an option for your DD.

I like an idea upthread about plaiting her hair and hairspraying it the night before, then you can teach your child to do the peppermint spray in the morning when she cleans her teeth.

The fact is, the sooner she can take charge of her own care, the better - because her dad is failing her.

plaits helped (but that’s more of an effort). I had very long, frizzy (aka wavy) hair and only caught lice once in primary school. Same for my sister.

But that’s more of an effort than simply pony tail, and seeing as a your DH can’t even manage that…

we used to have a spray with peppermint and tea trea oil. Which seems to have helped as well…🤔🤔

You are perfectly reasonable, as long as you mean to march them both to the bathroom and say off you go, this is your choice since you couldn’t be arsed doing a simple morning spray.
on what planet does he think he can protest that’s unfair? Is he always that entitled??

Honestly I'd leave him, someone so lazy he can't be bothered to do something so simple for his child's well being?

Why on earth do women have such low standards? All my attraction to him would be gone the moment he allowed my child to needlessly suffer.

It is abusive, there are different levels of abuse. I was punished with a belt as a child, and I would still call deliberate neglect like this abuse.

There isn't much the school can do about it. They're not allowed to send children home any more and the most they can do is send out a letter to everyone and have a quiet word with the parent. If the parents aren't amenable (one parent became quite aggressive and accused me of giving her child head lice) there's not much else you can do.

Ordinary hair spray seems to be a good deterrent, I think the lice can't walk around and reproduce because their legs get stuck. it worked for me as an Early Years teacher anyway.

You also need to treat the whole family including grandparents if they have been in contact. It's the parents who don't do this who have children with constant nits.

Regarding Soviet era children not being sent home with nits they may well have been. DS went to school in Hungary and was sent home once with nits. Well when I say sent home it was a nice apologetic phone call from the school nurse who checked all the children regularly. DS and two girls whose coat pegs were either side of his all had nits and we were asked to take them home and treat them. And this was a British International school with a British school nurse. It was Hungarian regulations.

But our school did send nit combs to all children in their book bags and instructions for parents. And an email explaining why they'd done it and how important it is to treat etc. So how come they were allowed to do this? It's been super effective.

Sorry OP, but I think this is the wrong hill. I’m a big fan of dropping the rope when it’s called for, and it would be here, except your DD is likely to be impacted by your actions if your DH continues to neglect the problem. Which seems likely.

Your DH is being a dick, but I’m guessing there are other issues around his efforts and incompetence, so in your shoes, I’d pick a different hill, and then absolutely dig my heels in.

I don't get your DH's objections. He just can't be arsed taking responsibility because he thinks this is a woman's job.

If schools started sending kids home with nits tomorrow, parents would still need to treat them and take responsibility.