AIBU to not want to spend my salary on sister’s new family?

[ThatCheeryCoralSnake]

I’m very close to my sister, and honestly a very generous person with those I love.

last year my sister got married to a nice man, who had two adult kids. One of the kids has a partner and just had a baby. The other one is a pretty awful human who ignores me and is so rude whenever i see him. Also BIL’s mum.

also worth mentioning my sister and her hubby bring in somewhere around £150k a year. I run my own business, and earn around £30k. Split from my 16yr relationship last year and came out with very little so trying to rebuild my life.

i just feel a bit aggrieved that I’m now expected to buy expensive presents for all of these people who I hardly ever see and don’t really like, when every penny counts. Last year I ended up spending around £600 on sister’s (December) wedding and their Christmas pressies, plus another £200 on their family gifts, plus food / drink etc for Xmas day. They have small ‘table’ presents plus main gifts.

i just don’t want to spend it! Have suggested setting a limit of say £20 per person or a secret Santa but got funny looks.

so now I’m going to spend Christmas on my own rather than feeling pressured to buy expensive stuff for people I don’t really know or like just because I’m there.

love my sister so much but she’s totally insensitive about money.

AIBU?

This isn't a problem? Just buy for your sister and a big box of chocolates/biscuits for the family as a whole. Simples.

Problem is, over the years, families get bigger and income seems to be getting less. I come from a big family and 4 years ago decided that something needed to be done. So i told those we buy for that in the future we would not be getting Christmas gifts for anyone, even each other Then we pick a local charity and make a donation to one every year. Much easier.

That’s the thing, they did get me presents. But it was unnecessary and most of it is still sat in a cupboard! Very sweet but we all just ending up spending silly money on things that aren’t really wanted.

my sister is amazing btw, it’s just that she’s always wanted a family and has just got one, so everything is shiny and has to be perfect. She just isn’t thinking about what the impact is from my side, or anyone else’s- the others are in similar positions to me financially.

I’ve decided to go away for Christmas and that solves the problem 😂 they can have their family Christmas and I’ll get squiffy on my own 😂😂😂

Ridiculous op why such expecting?? Do they expect this of you it's bizzare

Well get squiffy and think of lovely things you can buy yourself in the sales!!

In fact you don’t even need to buy for them, grown adults who rake in the money they do surely can buy everything they want themselves.

I’d buy an outfit for the baby if you felt like getting anything and maybe some nice biscuits/chocs/wine for your sister and BIL and leave it at that

"I’ve decided to go away for Christmas and that solves the problem 😂 they can have their family Christmas and I’ll get squiffy on my own 😂😂😂"

Great update, OP! I hope you will have a lovely Christmas!

Hmm
I really think you should say now thst you want to skip presents this year, too stressed, too skint or whatever. Otherwise you risk coming home to a load of gifts saved for you and that would be really awkward.
Some families are just big on gifts. Had it with my brothers inlaws to be once. Asked via brothers fiancee before hand if doing presents, agreed not. Saw them on Christmas day and they had not only bought us all presents but they were really personal ones from our amazon wishlists that my bloody SIL to be had given them and not told us! Was excruciatingly embarrassing.

If just ' no gifts ' is awkward you could say that in an effort to save the environment/world whatever you are requesting charity gifts this year. You can all exchange goats in Africa or something and at least someone gains something out of it..........

Great idea, OP! Enjoy your time away.

I am not keen on that kind of wastefulness and as a childfree person who lives alone I very much limit present giving as it’s very expensive to live solo. And as a single person giving gifts to a whole family it can be very pricey whereas your sister and her partner example are getting to splitting the cost of what they give to you.

Last year when I was single I spent it with my best guy friend, his wife and their young kids which was so kind of them to invite me!
I just got a nice M&S hamper and some toys for the kids who are a bit too young to even understand Christmas. Didn’t go overboard and they’re not ones for going crazy at Christmas either so it worked well.

YANBU

Why on earth do grown adults need presents from distant in-laws??!

OP, I'm sad at the idea of you spending Christmas on your own (unless that is really what you want?). Can't you talk to your sister about this?

OP sounds excited to be going away by herself. It’s just really societal pressure and norms that associate Christmas with having to be with family/ other people. It doesn’t have to be sad if you look at in a positive way - she’s getting to do what she wants instead of being with others and spending a ton on presents she can ill afford for people she barely knows.

Who is demanding that you buy 'expensive gifts'?
Stick to your principles, pay no mind to those who only feel validated by the money spent on them, such people are shallow and stupid

I don’t buy for my sister and brothers. we gave that up when we had children. After a few years we stopped buying for each others children too preferring to spend the money on our own children. If we go to each others houses over Xmas we would bring wine and chocolate but other than that nothing. I would tell your sister straight that you are grown ups and you can’t afford to spend money on presents. If she loves you she will understand. X

Why do you think these people are expecting expensive presents from you? You could say that due to the inçrease in the cost of living, you won't do it this year. its ok if you're wealthy, but as you're not.....

Me and my OH have a combined after tax income of around £55,000

we only get our children and close close family. We aren't going into debt to get my cousins aunties neighbours mum a gift because I see her now and again at the bingo. It's ridiculous.

I don’t think tou’re being unreasonable at all. Not exactly the same situation, but I’m meant to be hosting Christmas this year, and I’m tempted to cancel because we just can’t afford expensive presents this year, my sisters are 20 and 25, they’re single, have jobs but have almost no outgoings, no kids or cars etc. Me (28) and my partner have 3 children between us, one of which is only 2 weeks old, a mortgaged house, a car on finance, childcare costs etc, we both work full time so we have a dual income household but our outgoings are just so much higher than theirs and we can’t afford expensive gifts as well as hosting and paying for all the Christmas food etc. They don’t seem to understand this and it just makes me want to avoid the whole thing 😭

@Klozza Almost no outgoings as single women - how do your sisters manage that? Do they live at home rent free or something ?

Are your sisters planning to buy presents for all your kids and you and your partner. If so can you just say to them you would prefer no gifts from or to them and then you and the kids can do the present opening before they arrive? Maybe ask them to bring a bottle or a box of chocolates or something if they don’t want to come empty handed.

Or ask them to limit their gift to one item for you as a whole family and cap it at £10 or they can choose one item between them to give to your family for £20. Say you’re being creative this year as well as saving money!

You say they can’t understand this but have you explained it to them you can’t afford to exchange expensive presents with them ?

They’re young but not children and even children can usually understand if someone says they can’t afford something. They’re your sisters you should be able to talk to them surely?

Since they’re not spending on expensive gifts for all of you could also say to them to bring whatever they’re drinking (if they drink alcohol) that will also cuts costs so in the end you’ll just be mainly providing food for them.

I don't know anyone that buys for siblings' inlaws unless they actually happen to be friends as well

Do not buy anyone a present if you cant afford it!
You said that the presents you received from them last year are still sat in the cupboard so an utter waste of money and never mind the raw materials
I only buy a few fun chocolate bits for my adult sons now (18 and 21)
I do contribute to their rent/car insurance as both students so they would never expect anything else from me
I also opted out of work secret santa this year after I bought lovely gift of giant chocloate Lindt thing and beautiful tree decoration and received a paper diary!

Just be honest.. say you cant afford to buy for them all...or maybe you could make a hamper up of nice bits for everyone to share if you get together..and something small for the baby as that's really what's christmas is about.. buying items for fully grown adults who can more than afford to buy what they want when they want just seems bizarre to me...most of the time it's stuff people don't want that ends up in the charity shop , forgotten about, creates clutter or regifted.. only exception is if you know them really well 👌

FFS just tell her the truth! That you earn less than half what they earn and can’t afford to buy so many presents. Ask her to pass the message to them that they don’t need to get you anything. Why’s it so difficult to be honest?

Don't exchange presents with anyone apart from OH and DC. It's much less stressful!

Oh you lovely person, thank you but I’ll be fine. So sweet of you though ☺️