AIBU to not want to spend my salary on sister’s new family?

[ThatCheeryCoralSnake]

I’m very close to my sister, and honestly a very generous person with those I love.

last year my sister got married to a nice man, who had two adult kids. One of the kids has a partner and just had a baby. The other one is a pretty awful human who ignores me and is so rude whenever i see him. Also BIL’s mum.

also worth mentioning my sister and her hubby bring in somewhere around £150k a year. I run my own business, and earn around £30k. Split from my 16yr relationship last year and came out with very little so trying to rebuild my life.

i just feel a bit aggrieved that I’m now expected to buy expensive presents for all of these people who I hardly ever see and don’t really like, when every penny counts. Last year I ended up spending around £600 on sister’s (December) wedding and their Christmas pressies, plus another £200 on their family gifts, plus food / drink etc for Xmas day. They have small ‘table’ presents plus main gifts.

i just don’t want to spend it! Have suggested setting a limit of say £20 per person or a secret Santa but got funny looks.

so now I’m going to spend Christmas on my own rather than feeling pressured to buy expensive stuff for people I don’t really know or like just because I’m there.

love my sister so much but she’s totally insensitive about money.

AIBU?

Just buy small, thoughtful gifts for them, and if they are funny about it... well, they are very unreasonable people. Your sister needs to learn that being insensitive about money will cost her something that money can't buy.

i just feel a bit aggrieved that I’m now expected to buy expensive presents for all of these people who I hardly ever see and don’t really like, when every penny counts.

Why are you expected to do this? Surely you should just be buying for DSis & BIL? Do all these people buy presents for you? If not then why would you even consider buying presents for them?

Present giving when people are struggling to pay their bills is crazy. SIL asked years ago that we forget presents for the adults as she was skint, and it's such a relief. I just give to my (adult) nieces on their birthdays now. MIL will get flowers or a plant but it's presents for DH and my own kids only now.

In my family we only buy for the nieces and nephews are Christmas and I put a £10-£15 limit on them per child!

Your situation is nuts.

Good on you for not throwing good hard earned money away.

I don’t see why you shouldn’t go purely because of the amount you feel you need to spend on gifts. If you don’t want to go for other reasons, that’s another matter.

Why do you need to spend so much? Just spend the amount you want to spend.

There are lots of gifts around the £20 mark (or less) anyone would like to receive, which can feel special, particularly if well-wrapped. A bottle of booze or high end confectionary, biscuits, room scent or candles. Older kids love to spend gaming vouchers etc.

TK Maxx is a good bet.

If they get offended you haven’t spent the same as them, that’s their problem.

Just spent the amount you can afford. If that's a token gift each
It's not meant to be an exchange of things of equivalent value, that's a business transaction.

It frustrates me when DSIL messages setting limits etc, we genuinely dont mind if she buys nothing /a tin of sweets (and we say this) but we can afford to and wish to spend on gifts for her.

It seems utterly pointless for each person to swap things costing precisely £20 each

I think of you see them on Xmas day you should
Give something token like a box of chocs to each household if they give you something usually.

Ffs just get everyone nice box of biscuits, wine or chocolate. They can't make you spend money.

One of the reasons I more or less gave up doing Christmas is that I am single and childless and nobody is going to put me top of their list of priorities for Christmas. That's fine by me, but I think it's reasonable that I spend most of my Christmas money on myself.

Why do you feel you are under pressure to give gifts of any particular size? Are they saying this to you, or are you feeling you have to reciprocate something?

You absolutely do not have to. Don't ask what they want, if they have loads of money they will probably be clueless and say something far too expensive. If your sister is well off and wants to give gifts proportionately that's fine and lovely. You give what you want and can afford to give, to who you want to give it.

Maybe spend what you would have spent on sister on a joint gift for her-and-partner, something for the house or something. If you would like to hand everyone else something to unwrap, it can be absolutely token - box of chocs, a cute christmas decoration, a jam jar of home made fudge, whatever you are able.

If your sister is being insensitive you may have to lay it out quite bluntly to her. Does she really want you to not visit for fear of having to give gifts you can't afford? Give her credit for being a nicer person than that until absolutely proved otherwise.

That's ridiculous! Why would you be expected to buy for these people you barely know?

My DB has no kids, we buy him a present and he buys a family present. It is unfair for you to have to buy for everyone.

Weddings unfortunately are fair enough but Christmas presents definitely aren’t! As someone said above wine and chocolate!

you say you’re expected to buy these presents but who expects it? Surely your sister hasn’t asked you to?

Say thanks for the invitation and do go but tell them in advance you can't afford presents this year don't explain why and will only be able to bring a bottle of wine and box of chocolates

a “ just had a baby” baby doesnt need anything. Absolutely nothing. And neither does anyone else. Privately gift your sister if you want. Tell your sister you cant afford it and wont be brining any presents Contribute to the dinner in some way…side dessert cheese fruit drink. Stop the madness and prioritize your financial health immediately

This is fucking crackers - you tell your sister/all of them that you are financially struggling and that you don't want anyone to buy you anything and you'll not buy anyone anything. Then Christmas costs zero. If a family member of mine said that, I'd say absolutely fine. You can still spend christmas with people - just be upfront and honest about the situation.

No, I would not even do that. It’s just a waste of money. Most Christmas presents are unwanted and go into landfill while often causing the giver financial hardship.

What are table gifts? This is not something I’ve ever heard of.

i just feel a bit aggrieved that I’m now expected to buy expensive presents for all of these people who I hardly ever see and don’t really like

I can’t believe what I am reading.

You don’t need to buy them presents full stop.

Expecting to receive expensive gifts knowing someone is financially struggling is so fucking selfish and ludicrous.

Only buy gifts if you want to buy them, and only buy gifts which can you afford.

YABU because you run your own business, make 30k doing so, which is fantastic, but you are unable to say that you won't be buying expensive Christmas presents.

Token gifts are the way to go for everyone you will see at Christmas. Personally I always chose on the basis of an upgrade to something thar person would buy. So if they like chocolate, I would source homemade or a high end brand. For £7 or 8 you can buy a small box of Charbonnel et walker truffles for example, in a pretty box but only a few truffles.

Or House of Chaviot socks, yes some are £40 per pair but there are some which are around 10 / 15 but still are associated with luxury.

You get the idea, but if you spend Christmas with a bunch of people personally I think all are given a small present rather than just your sister and husband with something valuable.

Secret Santa.. everyone buys one gift.