AIBU to not want to spend my salary on sister’s new family?

[ThatCheeryCoralSnake]

I’m very close to my sister, and honestly a very generous person with those I love.

last year my sister got married to a nice man, who had two adult kids. One of the kids has a partner and just had a baby. The other one is a pretty awful human who ignores me and is so rude whenever i see him. Also BIL’s mum.

also worth mentioning my sister and her hubby bring in somewhere around £150k a year. I run my own business, and earn around £30k. Split from my 16yr relationship last year and came out with very little so trying to rebuild my life.

i just feel a bit aggrieved that I’m now expected to buy expensive presents for all of these people who I hardly ever see and don’t really like, when every penny counts. Last year I ended up spending around £600 on sister’s (December) wedding and their Christmas pressies, plus another £200 on their family gifts, plus food / drink etc for Xmas day. They have small ‘table’ presents plus main gifts.

i just don’t want to spend it! Have suggested setting a limit of say £20 per person or a secret Santa but got funny looks.

so now I’m going to spend Christmas on my own rather than feeling pressured to buy expensive stuff for people I don’t really know or like just because I’m there.

love my sister so much but she’s totally insensitive about money.

AIBU?

Couldn’t you just talk to her, say that you can’t afford it. It doesn’t need to be a drama.

I’m happy to say I buy presents for my daughter starting in December but give it ri her as it arrives - she chooses what she wants - buy a gift for my sister and something small for my BF.
This year I’m going to tell BF we should gift each other experiences that we do together rather than gifts (he has everything and is impossible to buy for)

Maybe it helps that I don’t celebrate, don’t decorate the house and don’t give a F about it - I find the whole thing very tedious (except for the food and everything being quiet at work)

Is your presence at Christmas meals/ gatherings conditional on the monetary value of your gifts? Really?

No one can make you spend your money for presents.

They're all adults. Cards and token gifts if you feel you must give them something. IF they're rude enough to complain, stop doing even that.

I can’t understand how you even started to buy presents for your sister’s adult step children who you barely know and don’t even like. It’s not like you’ve known them since childhood. I wouldn’t spend a single penny on them, seriously! Do these adults buy you presents? I doubt it. Just no. Please don’t feel guilty over this, it’s totally unnecessary.

I would just compose a text to my sister, or possibly the whole family WhatsApp, saying 'as you know, I don't earn a lot and what I do earn I am trying to invest in becoming more financially stable now I'm on my own. I can't afford to do expensive presents this year. I don't expect them from you either, the thought is the important thing. Can't wait to spend time with you all.' Don't apologies, you've done nothing wrong. And no need to be defensive or explain too much, just state it as fact that you'll not be buying expensive presents, as there is zero shame in not being able to afford that.

A big tin of biscuits for the household.
Do not beggar yourself for anyone.

Do they all get you a present each?

This sounds like madness? I’ve never bought for people I barely know and if people are requesting hundreds of pounds worth of gifts well… they can wish all they like!

Stay home and spend your money on yourself, sister can’t be that bloody lovely if she’s guilted you into this for years!

Once they are over 18 no gifts need to be expensive unless the receiver is a significant other. Anyone else scented candles or bottle of gin.

A nice bottle or token gift for sister and maybe a small gift for the baby as a gesture. Buying in laws adult kids presents is a crazy expectation, unless they are hosting you at any point then a bottle for them should suffice.

Tell sister your just buying for her and her husband as you are on a tight budget

Christ absolutely not! The first reply nailed it. Can't afford it, my limited is X amount. What a bloody cheek your sister has!

You are expected to buy for brand new adult step siblings??

Seriously?

They can fuck right off with that nonsense.

Suggest a secret Santa type thing, set a limit for spend and ask everyone who wants to be involved to put name in hat. You draw one person. Otherwise say you’re not doing presents and would rather donate a small amount to charity but will bring food contributions to the dinner if indeed you actually want to go. Or book up for abroad for a few nights.

Your sister must know your financial situation. If so, she's not a nice person if she expects you to spend such vast sums on Xmas.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to say you can’t afford to be spending like that on gifts.

But you’re celebrating with a group that is made up of an immediate family, so it’s not really your place to try to set a spending limit or make it a secret Santa for everyone. Your sister and her DH are unlikely to want to do a $20 secret Santa with their children and his mother, and that’s also completely reasonable from them.

You also shouldn’t need to stay home all holiday on your own. So instead, tell your sister that you need to pare way back on gift exchanges this season so you’d like to come over to join in festivities after present opening is done. Do an affordable gift for your sister (and possibly her husband) that they can open later if they’re hosting for the day, and make sure to come up with something shareable you can contribute to the celebration day - a couple of bottles of wine, a fancy dessert, a new game for everyone to play after dinner, etc.

Exactly. It's just madness.

When did a selection box for kids (including adult ones) stop being de rigeur? I swear my aunts and uncles were giving me these plus a tenner well into my 20s (until presents stopped altogether).

Seriously, these are not people you have to buy presents for. Personally, I'd take a few bottles of something fizzy for your SIL and BIL, a cute toy for the little one (which will endear you to their parents) and a plant of some description for BIL's mum, as I think it's a nice touch to acknowledge older guests. And that would be it. And a selection box for the unpleasant human being if I was feeling generous (which is more than they deserve).

At some point a return to sanity is needed. It's hard being the one to stand up and say "this whole present thing has gotten out of hand", but eventually someone has to take a stand.

Just buy your sister something of usual size. Token winter socks for everyone else.

That's what I was wondering too.

Do what I did years ago and implement a 'no present' zone! I hate this buying a present of a certain value so they buy you something of a certain value back, and neither of you probably appreciates the gift you got! Nonsense.

My siblings and I don’t exchange presents with each other or each other’s spouse, just buy for the kids to limit stress and unnecessary spending. So much easier.

“I’m not doing that”. Practice. It’s so liberating.

This was on Martin Lewis tonight. Send her the vid he's absolutely spot on.