AIBU to not want to spend my salary on sister’s new family?

[ThatCheeryCoralSnake]

I’m very close to my sister, and honestly a very generous person with those I love.

last year my sister got married to a nice man, who had two adult kids. One of the kids has a partner and just had a baby. The other one is a pretty awful human who ignores me and is so rude whenever i see him. Also BIL’s mum.

also worth mentioning my sister and her hubby bring in somewhere around £150k a year. I run my own business, and earn around £30k. Split from my 16yr relationship last year and came out with very little so trying to rebuild my life.

i just feel a bit aggrieved that I’m now expected to buy expensive presents for all of these people who I hardly ever see and don’t really like, when every penny counts. Last year I ended up spending around £600 on sister’s (December) wedding and their Christmas pressies, plus another £200 on their family gifts, plus food / drink etc for Xmas day. They have small ‘table’ presents plus main gifts.

i just don’t want to spend it! Have suggested setting a limit of say £20 per person or a secret Santa but got funny looks.

so now I’m going to spend Christmas on my own rather than feeling pressured to buy expensive stuff for people I don’t really know or like just because I’m there.

love my sister so much but she’s totally insensitive about money.

AIBU?

Just tell your DSis you can't afford to buy for her extended family and you be buying only her and your BIL presents.

@JaninaDuszejko is spot on!

If you are going to their home for Xmas you could also take a box of chocolates / bits / treats for everyone. But you should only be buying a Xmas present for sister and BIL. His adult kids and his mum is stretching it.

No way would I buy for siblings in laws & I wouldn't expect anything from them either.

No need to buy expensive presents for adult step children that you don't know or like! If I really felt obliged I might get a bottle of wine or something, but I certainly wouldn't be spending £200 on them!

A Nice bottle and some chocolate to sis and bil is enough. If they say anything then just say that you give what you can and you don't have the same income as them. Hopefully it will make them feel uncomfortable. I can't stand people who have no compassion or understanding for those who are struggling.

Why would you need to get them presents? I don't buy gifts for my sisters' husbands, let alone the rest of their families. Buy a small gift for your sister and maybe something for the baby if you're feeling generous.

I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to buy anything more than a bottle of wine for the adult kids, if that! I think it would be perfectly reasonable to buy for your sister, something small for her husband, nothing for the adult kids, maybe a small something for the baby.

Yes, I'd just make it clear well beforehand that you're opting out of gifts this year, for financial reasons (or don't specify why). They don't have to buy for you, and you certainly don't need to buy for them. Why would you? You hardly know them. I never met my BIL's parents, much less bought them gifts.

If you want, you could exchange gifts just with your sister. That's what we do in my family, except for the years when we agree to give it a pass altogether. Buying gifts for spouses/partners of siblings is just too much!

Don’t buy any of them presents- give sister and BIL some nice wine and chocs. Presents for adults at Christmas is madness.

You need to have a frank conversation with your sister. If you’re as close as you say, she should have your back on this.

DS is a January baby so the Christmas before he was born we told the in-laws (parents and siblings) we'd only do gifts for the kids. The relief was immense! No more wondering what to get the people who have everything already and therefore don't want another "old guys rule" t shirt or a shit Boots gift set. It's the way to go, I promise you.

The adult step children of your sister can't possibly expect christmas gifts from you?

I would never have started exchanging gifts with your sisters adult inlaws. Maybe a small gift or a couples gift to her DH.
Did they reciprocate? If they did its more difficult, they are just a gifty family. If they didn't then why on earth would you give them presents?

I think it’s a shame your sister only wants your company if it includes gifts!

By all means buy for the snack table and a couple of bottles but anything more is absurd.

She is your sister. Who you claim to be very close to.
Tell her.
Remind her that you live on 1/4 her income. That these are NOT your relatives and you barely know them. She should be mortified.
If she would rather you spent money you can’t afford or spend Xmas on your own. Than simply change these (very weird) expectations then she is not a good sister and you are not very important to her.
As an adult I would never expect my DIL sister to get me anything. And would be embarrassed by anything beyond a box of chocolates.
Talk to your sister.

Please stop buying presents for everyone. It is a total waste of money especially as you are trying to re-build your life.

You don’t have to buy for the new people. A token gift card if you’re feeling generous but this isn’t normally expected from adults.

Maybe if his kids were young children and you were all celebrating together then yes, but buying for a sibling's partner's adult children and their families is a bit nuts! Just get a large box of chocs and say it's for everyone.

You need to keep your money to rebuild your life and your Sis must know what you've been through to have to do that
They are better off so there is a financial imbalance.
Tell your Sis that as your circumstances have changed you will not be buying presents this year, and do not be guilt tripped.
It's not on to buy presents for people you don't know or don't like
I've been watching Martin Lewis tonight and he says the same.

Wife of an adult step child here

Step family have never bought us anything for Christmas. The grown ups (i.e. Step MILs brother) came to our large wedding and bought us a present then but not for Christmas.

If I was going to their house and they were hosting drinks then I would take a drink and flowers like I would for anyone else.

If Sisters grandchild is there then might be nice to buy them a book and some chocolate as a gesture but a fiver max.

Your sister knows how much you earn, wtf, is she expecting this from you? She hasnt covered for you at all has she?

But don't not go. If it were me, I'd go DIY gifts. Eg buy a fluted glass each and personalise it based on what you know of them - have a look here for some ideas. I'd also buy 2 bottles of Asti Spumante (better than champers or prosecco) for the adults to share and non alcoholic fizz for any kids.

Alternatively follow one of Nancy Birtwhistle's ideas for presents.

Lovely gifts don't need to be expensive.

Good luck, yoyr sisters step kids sound delightful (not!).

Token gifts for anyone you see on Christmas Day (eg selection box or some socks). Proper gifts for any children under 18yo, your own siblings and parents (I vary but aim for an average of £15). More than that is only ever from Father Christmas or a partner IME.

Just say you aren’t doing presents this year or you’re doing home made treats or charity shop gifts. Honestly just get a backbone and do your own thing. This sounds like self imposed pressure.

We stoped doing presents for anyone over 21. It gets totally out of control otherwise. Just tell her you can't afford it.

This. Even if finances were reversed and you made far more then they do I would not be buying for his adult children.