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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband dinner with mother instead of date night

77 replies

dontfuxkwithroy · 19/11/2024 15:10

I need moral support... some context; husband is a bit needy with his family - the neglected sibling, likes to blame me that we don't get invited along to things by his domineering mother / sister (I don't fall into line)..
Friday night my mum offered to babysit (happens rarely, she lives alone, my sister was visiting so was going to help mind our kids, our in laws never offer) I had a big week at work and some major stressful stuff lately so sad looking forward to a night out. Last time I had dinner out was in July.
It was MIL / SIL birthday at weekend also so I thought it would be nice to suggest to husband to invite them to local swanky restaurant. Friday didn't suit. Checked with my babysitters and they said they could do Saturday. Text this to husband who said ok, and that his other sister be there also and he that booking was for a pub grub style place for 5pm.
I was disappointed. I didn't want pub grub I had suggested the local swanky place and I knew his sister was visiting with her 5 year old and wondered who was babysitting the child.
Got home after work and asked who is babysitting your other sisters child and he replied oh she's coming too.
I was livid!! Why the heck would I get a babysitter to mind my 3 young children only to have dinner with a 5 year old at 5pm!! When I suggested that he book us a table elsewhere and we meet MIL and SIL after for a drink he said no way and weren't we going out for their birthday why would he do that??
I was so hurt and disappointed. In the end I stayed at home and got takeaway with kids and he went out for dinner. I haven't spoken to him since. He doesn't understand why I'm so angry and hurt all he can see is that the dinner was about his mother... AIBU??

OP posts:
Sirzy · 19/11/2024 15:31

But you suggested inviting the others? Ok it didn’t pan out how you wanted but you blurred things when you invited them as it was no longer “date night”

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/11/2024 15:36

No good deed goes unpunished. Just stick to your plans next time.

JustinThyme · 19/11/2024 15:36

YABU - it was your suggestion to invite them to celebrate their birthdays. At that point you gave up any chance of it being a date night.

You can’t suggest a meal to MIL and SIL for their birthdays and then say “no, it’s not fancy enough for me” and pull out. That’s extremely rude.

BeMintBee · 19/11/2024 15:37

Think you are being a bit unreasonable once he’d suggested going out as it’s their birthday then it kind of became more centred around what they would want to do not you and not easy for him to pull out of.

Think it would have been better to just suggest going out you and DH rather than involving people that it sounds like you don’t particularly like anyway?

Gymnopedie · 19/11/2024 15:38

The problem isn't that you invited them but that DH turned it into a night out for them with you tacked on to the end rather than your night to which they were invited.

It's obvious that he prioritises his mum and sister above you, how bad is it generally?

KoalaCalledKevin · 19/11/2024 15:39

But it was their birthday meal. So going with their preference for a place to go isn't that unreasonable.

Snoken · 19/11/2024 15:39

Yea, this one is on you. You told him to invite his family and he did. It was their birthday, why would you get to dictate where you go and at what time. You can't just undo it when they have a picked a place that works for them because you happen to have a babysitter. It's either a datenight or a family birthday celebration, it can't be both.

Starlight7080 · 19/11/2024 15:41

You sound like hard work.
He couldn't just say he wasn't going to dinner after it had been planned.
It's not random friends it's his mum and sisters.
Just because you don't get along with them or agree with how they may have treated your dh . Doesn't mean he should just change his plans .

SemperIdem · 19/11/2024 15:41

You told him to invite his family and he did. This is your error.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 19/11/2024 15:41

Sorry, your DH "likes to blame me that we don't get invited along to things by his domineering mother / sister (I don't fall into line)"?

That's really awful. Sounds like you were trying to defend yourself against this blame by inviting the ILs, and now get blamed by MN pps for trying.

Your DH has a massive issue with his family, which he is deflecting onto you. Sounds much bigger than this one event.

Tbskejue · 19/11/2024 15:45

It sounds like miscommunication - he thought you were suggesting a family meal and you thought you were suggesting they tag along to your nice meal out.
To be honest i would still have gone and enjoyed a dinner out without my own children hanging off me rather than not go at all.
Lesson here really is that if you want a night a certain way then don’t invite others. It would be quite rude to say to his family - we only wanted to meet you to go somewhere we wanted so if you can’t we’re going out just us

Snoken · 19/11/2024 15:45

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 19/11/2024 15:41

Sorry, your DH "likes to blame me that we don't get invited along to things by his domineering mother / sister (I don't fall into line)"?

That's really awful. Sounds like you were trying to defend yourself against this blame by inviting the ILs, and now get blamed by MN pps for trying.

Your DH has a massive issue with his family, which he is deflecting onto you. Sounds much bigger than this one event.

I guess that depends on if "not falling in line" means that OP should decide where they should have their birthday dinners. At the moment OP comes across as the domineering one who is refusing to come along unless they go to the swanky restaurant she wants to go to when everyone else wants to go to a pub.

Lindjam · 19/11/2024 15:47

I don’t understand why you involved his family in the arrangements at all. You have issues with them, so surely you keep contact to a minimum?

Why didn’t you just plan a date night with DH?

Floranan · 19/11/2024 15:55

Sounds like lack of communication to me. Did you make it clear to your husband that you had a babysitter and that meant you could go to somewhere nice for a late meal ?

he should have let you know that they wanted the child to come and eat earlier (it was their birthday)

he shouldn’t have just let that part of it ride, but then I suppose he did tell you the time and place.

anyway, I would have apologised to my babysitters and moved the day back to Friday, gone out just the two of you. Then all of you go to pub type thing the next day. It might have meant you would have to reduce the posh restaurant ideas but at least everyone would have been happy.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/11/2024 16:02

YABU and a little ridiculous to be "livid" and then throw a tantrum and sulk at home. If you wanted to eat alone with your husband why suggest making it a birthday meal for your MIL?

lucyloket88 · 19/11/2024 16:03

You sound really bloody difficult

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/11/2024 16:05

I can see why you are annoyed. You offered them one thing, and they all said no we want another.

Your rare and carefree Childfree evening out in elegant resturant, a treat after a very busy time, was changed into something completely different without you even being consulted - wasting a babysitting favour.

And now you are blamed for being awkward and not flexible enough.... which is great seeing as they've arranged everything to suit themselves and not you.

I actually think that second SIL changing dinner to from 8.00 pm to 5.00 pm in child friendly venue was the inflexible one.

Your DH should have said No, we will stick to OP's original plan and meet up with the three of you next weekend. or something.

He can't blame you because he didn't think of that.

Completelyjo · 19/11/2024 16:06

You’re completely in the wrong for reacting the way you you. The actual issue was a miscommunication that could have been easily resolved but have spoken to him since Saturday?! That’s insanely childish.

Uokhunnnn · 19/11/2024 16:10

You both sound a bit annoying tbh… him for not standing up to his family and you for sulking. Honestly, not speaking to your husband over this when it was literally your idea to invite MIL/SIL is ridiculous.

Coconutter24 · 19/11/2024 16:12

So you invited others along to your date night, why are you angry with your DH he doesn’t sound like he’s done anything wrong

Wonderi · 19/11/2024 16:16

YABU

It wasn’t date night.

If you had a very rare child free night, then why didn’t you and DH have an actual date night where you had the evening at a swanky restaurant and then saw MIL and SIL on a different day.

It’s odd to want a date night but invite your MIL along.

Marblesbackagain · 19/11/2024 16:19

YABU, it ain't a date if it's with his family and why wouldn't you bring a 5 year old to dinner at 5pm. You are applying the local swanky place rules to the pub.

skippy67 · 19/11/2024 16:22

Gymnopedie · 19/11/2024 15:38

The problem isn't that you invited them but that DH turned it into a night out for them with you tacked on to the end rather than your night to which they were invited.

It's obvious that he prioritises his mum and sister above you, how bad is it generally?

Oh stop stirring. This is on the OP entirely.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/11/2024 16:23

Well you changed the goal posts, went from a date night to inviting his mum and sister for a birthday treat!

Lakeyloo · 19/11/2024 16:25

I see why you were annoyed but I think you cut off your nose to spite your face a bit here. You could have made the best of it - had a meal with the family and then made your excuses and gone on to somewhere swanky with your husband for cocktails.