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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband dinner with mother instead of date night

77 replies

dontfuxkwithroy · 19/11/2024 15:10

I need moral support... some context; husband is a bit needy with his family - the neglected sibling, likes to blame me that we don't get invited along to things by his domineering mother / sister (I don't fall into line)..
Friday night my mum offered to babysit (happens rarely, she lives alone, my sister was visiting so was going to help mind our kids, our in laws never offer) I had a big week at work and some major stressful stuff lately so sad looking forward to a night out. Last time I had dinner out was in July.
It was MIL / SIL birthday at weekend also so I thought it would be nice to suggest to husband to invite them to local swanky restaurant. Friday didn't suit. Checked with my babysitters and they said they could do Saturday. Text this to husband who said ok, and that his other sister be there also and he that booking was for a pub grub style place for 5pm.
I was disappointed. I didn't want pub grub I had suggested the local swanky place and I knew his sister was visiting with her 5 year old and wondered who was babysitting the child.
Got home after work and asked who is babysitting your other sisters child and he replied oh she's coming too.
I was livid!! Why the heck would I get a babysitter to mind my 3 young children only to have dinner with a 5 year old at 5pm!! When I suggested that he book us a table elsewhere and we meet MIL and SIL after for a drink he said no way and weren't we going out for their birthday why would he do that??
I was so hurt and disappointed. In the end I stayed at home and got takeaway with kids and he went out for dinner. I haven't spoken to him since. He doesn't understand why I'm so angry and hurt all he can see is that the dinner was about his mother... AIBU??

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 19/11/2024 16:25

As soon as you invited others it stopped being date night. When you invite others to celebrate THEIR birthday, you can't complain when they do what they want, not what you want. YABU.

Also, if this was a woman complaining that her husband was refusing to talk to her for four days he would be called abusive. You're not showing yourself very well here.

SALaw · 19/11/2024 16:26

"Date night" but you said invite your mum and sister?!

PeloMom · 19/11/2024 16:26

You invited them to celebrate their bdays. So it’s not a date night. And since it’s their bdays they decide who they invite and include- ie the 5yr old. If you wanted a swanky place with no kids, you should have just gone with your DH and not included anyone else.

Wednesdaysdrag · 19/11/2024 16:28

So you had the idea to go to dinner as a group.

So you changed it from date night. You also just assumed one would get a babysitter and you wanted to decide the place everyone went?

Did you tell dh it was at the swanky restaurant or not at all? You didn’t want to elsewhere?

xILikeJamx · 19/11/2024 16:28

It was MIL / SIL birthday at weekend also so I thought it would be nice to suggest to husband to invite them

This is the only sentence that matters really. You basically invited them out for a birthday meal, then spat the dummy when they didn't book the place you wanted and didn't show up. Pretty wild really.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/11/2024 16:30

100 % your fault. You could have still gone on the Friday just the 2 of you then as a family on the Saturday. Did they know you particularly wanted the swanky restaurant. Did DH say we are going to X or did he say would you like to come out with us as its your birthday not specifying a venue

JJLA · 19/11/2024 16:31

It stopped being a date night once YOU suggested that your in-laws are invited to celebrate their birthdays. It then became about their birthdays.

This one is very much on you.

Wednesdaysdrag · 19/11/2024 16:34

To celebrate their birthdays you wanted to

Pick the where you ate
What time you ate
who could attend

Then refused to go because it wasn’t the evening out you wanted and because your husband wouldn’t cancel on them?

I think he might be right. Maybe you are the issue.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 19/11/2024 16:35

So you should have stuck with Friday, sad 'oh dear, never mind' when they couldn't do Friday, -and then taken your kids with you on Saturday .

I am not sure why you were falling over yourself to involve his family, when you say the relationship can be tricky, for their birthdays. That is his job. Ans especially when you wanted a nice treat on the Friday night because of your week. That's where you went wrong - and then 'checking your babysitters' for Saturday and handing over the arrangements to him / them.

However, it is not good that once you made your point he didn't realise and back track.

You ended up making yourself look worse to his family by not turning up after , as far as they knew, you had suggested the whole thing.

And it's not good now that you are sulking and giving him the silent treatment.

But I do understand that you were disappointed to lose you Friday night out.

Hankunamatata · 19/11/2024 16:36

Friday night date night at swanky place. Saturday with family and all your kids

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/11/2024 16:41

Why would he back track once she had made her point. If you ask people out for their birthday you generally go somewhere they want to. It's not unreasonable to expect a GP to want a GC at their birthday meal, especially if it is a visiting GC not a local one.

Callixte · 19/11/2024 16:53

I'm guessing from your use of the phrase "date night" that you and your H agree to consciously set aside time slots to spend together doing something nice? I'd advise keeping those slots strictly to the two of you and not mingling them with seeing family - which is also important, but overall should not take time away from "date night" (although it may do on a particular week as there isn't enough time - or in your case, time away from the children - for both).

I think the communication between the two of you was unclear and is probably still unclear. If his family members wanted the pub for their birthdays, it would have been selfish for him to push for a different venue that the two of you preferred. Definitely go and celebrate with his family when you can; you're doing the right thing there. But stick to "date night" as just the two of you and a place you both choose - and if you have to skip one "date night" because of a family obligation, either try to fit another one in or make the next one extra special. Maybe let this one go and resolve to talk more about future outings as they come up? And see how it goes in striking a balance; if you're constantly finding that "date night" gets sacrificed to family, extended family, work, etc. (or vice versa, if that ever becomes the case) then work on a plan to correct that.

(Edited to add: I do think that when the venue switched from swanky adults-only place to family-friendly pub and he knew that their cousins were coming, he should have realised that your children should come too and the babysitter could be rescheduled. I'd bring this up with him so he does think it through next time.)

cheddercherry · 19/11/2024 16:55

I think if you’re not speaking with each other after 4+ days in a house with children then you’re well past the point of a reasonable or functioning relationship. Regardless of who’s at fault for this one occasion to let it impact the entire household like this is wild.

Redmat · 19/11/2024 17:02

"Cut of your nose to spite your face" probably fits quite well.

notatinydancer · 19/11/2024 17:04

Silent treatment is abuse

JemimaTiggywinkles · 19/11/2024 17:06

Tbh, it sounds like you are causing trouble here. Refusing to change plans to accommodate the visiting SIL for MIL's birthday would have been unreasonable.

Edit: just noticed you said you haven't spoken to him since Saturday - silent treatment is unacceptable in a relationship.

StormingNorman · 19/11/2024 17:15

It stopped being a date night when you invited MIL and SIL along.

I knew the minute you said you were meeting at 5pm that your DN was coming. Adults don’t go out for dinner at that time.

YABU to try to rearrange plans at the last minute when everyone else was happy with the pub grub. If you wanted to change restaurants you should have said as soon as your DH told you about the booking.

Snoken · 19/11/2024 17:17

notatinydancer · 19/11/2024 17:04

Silent treatment is abuse

Not always and it shouldn’t be said in such absolute terms. It can also be a response to abuse and plenty of abusers use that line against their victims when they are in fact petrified and traumatised. In this case though OP hasn’t been abused as far as I can see.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 19/11/2024 17:22

@dontfuxkwithroy 100% YABU.

You clearly didn't communicate your idea well at all then threw your toys out the pram when you didn't get what you wanted. That's ridiculous.

You needed to be clear and assertive. "Let's organise a nice meal out with your family. How about Saturday and I'll book a table at 7pm for us at XXX restaurant. My parents are babysitting our kids, and I'm sure your sister can sort out a babysitter too".

Tink3rbell30 · 19/11/2024 17:23

You sound rude, stuck up and childish. Even refusing to speak him for days. I doubt he will stick around if you do this often.

5128gap · 19/11/2024 17:23

You mean "AIBU that an adult dinner with my DH and his family at a swanky resturant ended up being early tea at a pub because a 5 year old was included?" The answer to which is yes and no. You invited everyone to one thing and they changed it to another. That's annoying. However, if it was for the child's mother's birthday then I can see why she'd want her child there. Either way I can't fathom why you'd be framing it as your DH taking his mother out instead of you on your 'date night' when that's not remotely what happened. Or why you punished him by a big sulk when his family changed the plans.

Autumnweddingguest · 19/11/2024 17:25

I don't understand why you are so angry either. I'd just have said, great, cancelled the sitter and brought our DC along too. Let the cousins have fun together. It's not a date night. It's a celebration of his sister and mother's birthdays, so your desires take second place on this occasion.

Monoceros · 19/11/2024 17:29

You should have had a date night on Friday night (day your mum originally offered to babysit) and met your MIL for a family meal in a pub with your children on Saturday - sorted! It's insane to be getting mad and sulking about a simple misunderstanding.

Bloom15 · 19/11/2024 17:29

You caused the issue by inviting them and then you moaned about they wanted to do and had a tantrum and stayed home. YABU

You sound like hard work

Gymnopedie · 19/11/2024 17:34

There is a difference between 'We're going out for dinner on Friday. As it's your birthdays at the weekend why don't you join us?' and 'Let's go out for a meal to celebrate your birthdays'.

The OP meant the former, which was good of her given how the MIL and SIL have treated her and was probably a misguided attempt to show them that she isn't the Wicked Witch of the West they believe her to be. An olive branch. However the DH, in thrall to his family, immediately turned it into the second.
That may have been miscommunication or the DH may immediately thought of what his family would like without considering the OP.

Maybe in this instance it wasn't done maliciously. But I'd always be wary of a man who always puts his birth family above his wife.