Husband dinner with mother instead of date night

[dontfuxkwithroy]

I need moral support... some context; husband is a bit needy with his family - the neglected sibling, likes to blame me that we don't get invited along to things by his domineering mother / sister (I don't fall into line)..
Friday night my mum offered to babysit (happens rarely, she lives alone, my sister was visiting so was going to help mind our kids, our in laws never offer) I had a big week at work and some major stressful stuff lately so sad looking forward to a night out. Last time I had dinner out was in July.
It was MIL / SIL birthday at weekend also so I thought it would be nice to suggest to husband to invite them to local swanky restaurant. Friday didn't suit. Checked with my babysitters and they said they could do Saturday. Text this to husband who said ok, and that his other sister be there also and he that booking was for a pub grub style place for 5pm.
I was disappointed. I didn't want pub grub I had suggested the local swanky place and I knew his sister was visiting with her 5 year old and wondered who was babysitting the child.
Got home after work and asked who is babysitting your other sisters child and he replied oh she's coming too.
I was livid!! Why the heck would I get a babysitter to mind my 3 young children only to have dinner with a 5 year old at 5pm!! When I suggested that he book us a table elsewhere and we meet MIL and SIL after for a drink he said no way and weren't we going out for their birthday why would he do that??
I was so hurt and disappointed. In the end I stayed at home and got takeaway with kids and he went out for dinner. I haven't spoken to him since. He doesn't understand why I'm so angry and hurt all he can see is that the dinner was about his mother... AIBU??

I agree with most - YABVU here.

You invited them along, not him.
If you wanted a "date night" and you wanted to go to a swanky restaurant, then it seems very bizarre to invite other people along.

I agree with the majority.

If you wanted specifically to go out on Friday night to a swanky restaurant with DH, then that's what you should have done.

And, had you said, "we are going to swankiest on Friday, join us if you are free" you would still have some control over the proceedings.

It went wrong when you suggested making it a birthday meal for your in-laws. At this point, bearing in mind it's now a meal for them, then their preferences have to come into play.

I should clarify a few points. The original invitation was to solve a present buying issue for my husband. I had suggested he buy a voucher. (We did this last year)

I didn't speak to MIL, I let my husband convey the invitation, time, place etc

It turns out that the booking for pub grub had been made by my in laws several weeks ago for MIL, SIL and other SIL visiting with DN to which we had not been invited.

My issue is that DH decided to tack us onto this booking instead of booking us a separate table. They also had Sunday lunch arranged which I suggested he could do with family and have Saturday night dinner with me.

Agree with this.

Sorry OP YABU. Your suggestion to invite them for their birthdays made it sound like a family thing to actually celebrate their birthdays, the 5 year old is the grandchild and niece so of course the other SIL would want to bring her to join in (and perhaps couldn't have gotten a babysitter anyway!)

You not turning up and keeping your kids at home because they chose a family friendly restaurant for a family meal instead was spiteful, you could have still gone and involved your children in the birthday celebration as one option. Or seeing as dinner was at 5pm, went somewhere a bit more upmarket after the meal.

I do get your disappointment when you had another idea in your head, though.

Your post is confusing. You wanted to invite your husband to dinner to discuss what gift to buy for in laws? Or you wanted to invite the in laws to a posh dinner as a gift? either way, neither is a date night.

Yes, it doesn’t seem to call for this level of outrage. Or indeed any outrage at all.

No you're the one who changed 'date night' to dinner for MIL birthday.

Not speaking to him since Saturday because of it though is pathetic.

Doesn’t change anything - you suggested your children free evening should include your in-laws.

YABU. It stopped being a date night when you suggested he invites his family.
Why didn't you still go out? The two of you could have grabbed a drink or two or dessert afterwards?

Non of that changes anything.

and the whole ‘I suggested he should go for lunch and cancel on them on Saturday night instead’ definitely doesn’t change anything.

You wanted to go out, you suggested it being a group event for THEIR birthdays. But then also wanted to dictate where, when and who could attend.

Then cancelled and didn’t go anyway because you couldn’t get your own way and expected your husband to also cancel plans he made at your suggestion. It’s highly likely that her husbands relationship with his family isn’t the problem. It is you.

You know his sister has a child. Why would you assume the child wouldn’t be there? And now you are subjecting your husband to days of the silent treatment as punishment that you didn’t get you mr own way.

If you want a date night and want to go to the swanky restaurant with your husband, arrange that. No including anyone else. No trying to make it what you want but also a birthday gift for someone else who doesn’t want to go there.

This.

Yes this is the crux of it. I was trying to include them so dh can't say I don't make effort or whatever he's going to use as an excuse for them being thoughtless and not including him (not fans of our noisy kids either, much earlier to handle the only children of dh's other sibling's)

I feel l didn't word my original post properly. I was clear where the dinner was to take place, if it didn't suit them then we would go out anyway and get a voucher or something as a gift instead

The booking with niece had been arranged in advance by MiL, SIL, SIL2 and child. We had not been invited nor had our children. To me, that was such a snub to my husband (the only other sibling living locally).

Dh txted me to tell me of the arrangement without mentioning this had all been booked in advance. My annoyance was that my plan and preference was set aside (and the it babysitter, we get this opportunity maybe twice a year) to suit their pre-existing plans that they had no intention of including us in

Next time!

Thank you, this is what I'm getting at. Turns out the booking with the child was made far in advance and we hadn't even been asked which annoys me more
Yes, I would have liked dh to have considered my stressful week and the fact I never get a nice evening out and suggested exactly what you said - another time with MIL and SIL

Your mum offered to babysit so you could have a dinner out with your husband, and you suggested he invite his mother? That's really odd! And if they wanted to do a family meal, you could have taken your own children and had their pub meal, and then used your babysitters for a dinner with your husband. I never have babysitters, but if I did I can't imagine ever inviting my mother in law when I could have dinner alone with my husband. Bizarre.

Couldn't you have gone to Saturday night with DC or just sent DH and still had a Friday child free date?
Edited because I've just seen your other posts. That sounds tough OP and I'd be upset too that they left DH out of original plans. It sounds like he takes any opportunity to be included that he can. It's an expensive lesson since you won't have a babysitter again for a while, but I wouldn't be trying to include then again.

Men like your husband are so unattractive.
Ditch my wife for a family that don't include us.
3 children is a lot with a man like that.
Mind yourself, he doesn't sound great.

Yes you have hit the nail on the head. He's so desperate to be included he will drop our plans and it's a long standing issue.

I tried to help him with this by including his family in our plans. Not romantic, no but I knew he would like this.

A waste of a babysitter and nice evening. No matter how I frame an invitation it will always be twisted to suit them and not me.
Definitely never again.

At least you know where you stand.
Not a man to ever depend on.

Exactly this

Yes this is true. He has blind loyalty to them I don't understand it. So desperate for attention. The overlooked middle child.
It's an issue in our marriage and I try to keep his family at arms length ( though we live very close to them). The SIL in particular is a bully.

YABU if you haven’t spoken to him since Saturday, whatever the details of how the booking came about. Imagine reading a post where a woman said her spouse had given her the silent treatment for over three days because they hadn’t wanted her to go out for dinner.

After a stressful week nothing good ever comes from anything other than feet up at home (preferably alone!!). It was your mils birthday, hopefully she had a good time, make sure you and dh get a bit of time together this week instead x

This stopped being 'date night' when you invited your MIL and SIL.

You've both confused things here, see it as a lesson learnt for the next time a babysitting opportunity comes up (i.e. don't invite your family along).