To ask how you deal with relatives with views very different to yours

[Sindymindy]

Some family members have views that verge on the ridiculous and are clearly driven by social media with some Fox and GM news thrown in. How do you deal with this ? It’s just constant nonsense and it’s draining !! Cutting people out isn’t an option; I just need to be able to tune it out !

Just swerve the uncomfortable subjects, and have in mind things to change the conversation to.

Don't discuss them just respond with Oh, or ok.

I just ask quizzically to anything ridiculous ‘is that really true?’ Then I make a thing of being shocked and slightly outraged, then I google in front of them and laugh and say ‘oh no don’t worry it’s just media lies having you on’. That initial shared ‘outrage’ goes a lot way to diffuse tension and actually fact checking in front of them has very slightly toned them down!

This is brilliant!

Personally, I just simmer under the surface and then vent to my sister, who is the only one who shares my beliefs (like fact checking stuff and not believing anything we see on unreliable sites)

I love my uncle dearly but we have very different views.

If it's something I know more about, I'll make a couple of comments but, when he keeps going, I give a very obvious shrug and stop engaging.

He's very fond of moaning about ULEZ and the London Congestion Charge despite iiving in the north and never having driven in London in his life. I live in London and drive every day, including compulsory driving for work.

Quietly point out the truth.
Shrug and change subject.
Sigh and stare at TV

I don’t engage. They say something outrageous or something I disagree with, or something that due to my line of work I know is 100% wrong, I just say “Really, Uncle Bob! The things you know! Now come over here and tell me how Aunt Maud is doing with her new hip. Or how was your trip to Europe. Or let me tell you about the samba dancing classes I’m doing and how I know with your rhythm and style you’d be a natural. No, no, you’ve already told me about what the Government's/Society’s doing, I want to hear about you, you’re far more important.”

Pivot, pivot, pivot.

My sister once told me she could see what I did and it amused her to count how many times I could head someone off from the conversation. We now laugh about it, if I have to get too extreme.

Try and make it light in your own mind. You’ll never persuade them, just like they will never persuade you. So pivot and move on to topics you do have in common.

My mum has gone full conspiracy and was telling me that Biden is played by something like 7 different people. I then was doing this faux surprise that I didn't know. I find alcohol helps and some good friends to laugh with afterwards.

I do this lol it's actually really satisfying to watch someone who is so sure of themselves look like a complete tit

I wouldn’t give it any headspace and say “that’s nice” every single time.

I have actually cut out one relative because he doesn’t have a brain cell to engage with. Intolerable so gone.

Haven’t seen him in 10 years. His family have cut him off entirely too. Not one person has anything to do with him.
Another family member unfortunately very accidentally had contact with him recently and his latest is that COVID was all a conspiracy and was made up by the government…..

I do have family who are a million miles from my belief system and I remain low contact because I can’t square with their outlook.

The answer for me is to remove them.

A lot of social media is designed specifically to cause division. For instance one echo chamber will see YouTube clips of a doctor talking about the dangers of covid, while a different social media platform will have a doctor talking about the dangers of the covid vaccine. Both sides come to the table with ‘facts’ provided by ‘doctors’ so the arguments are pointless and unwinnable. My advice to you would be to rise above it and don’t let social media divide your family.

I have a family member who is involved with religious people. My tactics include politely refusing most invitations involving them, but if it's unavoidable, I've started just talking about myself and my own experience and (non)beliefs. Because I got to the point where I thought, why politely endure their self absorbed bobbling on about only their own outlook?! Maybe I'll try being selfish too and ramble on about my own crap!

And it's like a magic forcefield; they hate that, they hate being distracted from their monologue by someone who also acts totally self absorbed, and they swerve me now 😜 Oh, the delicious irony..

Going in prepared with three strong topics and repeating them ad nauseum also helps you stay strong... Eg 1) Fossils and the big bang 2) how the Satanic Temple is actually humanist and not at all about "Satan" 3) the debunking of some religious myth 😉 Play them and beat them, politely.

Ps.when I say it's unavoidable seeing them sometimes, it isn't, not really. I'm an adult and I choose not to go to most things and it's actually ok to avoid them completely. I'm not interested in wasting my precious life on such people! And finally after years of guilt, I feel ok with this.

I have friends who are on the opposite side of the political spectrum to me. I don't necessarily agree with them but I respect the fact they have a different opinion. I tend to avoid subjects that could cause tension. Otherwise, I actually like them! You just have to change the subject and rise above it.

Everyone has differing opinions. You have to accept that. Their opinions are no less valid than yours.

This, @Sindymindy do you believe that they have the right to freedom of thought or do you think only people who share your thoughts and opinions should be allowed to voice them?

Agree to disagree!

I love my free spirited hippy sister dearly but our opinions, on basically everything, normally sit at completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
We've had some fierce debates and passionate arguments over the years and now just have a mutual acceptance of our different viewpoints.

Haha. But there's a difference between opinions and facts. I don't care that my brother believes that if you don't actively accept Jesus into your life you will go to hell. That's his opinion. But having to hang out with DH's cousin who believes that everything is a conspiracy- even things like the Northern Lights- is exhausting.

Limit contact, change subject. I also have a tendency to wander off - do the washing up, go to the toilet, check on kids etc.

I’ve got a younger cousin who thinks I’m being utterly cruel & unreasonable to campaign for women’s sex based rights.

We don’t talk about it, because I think arguing would make her dig her heels in & I’d prefer to think she’ll realise at some point.

Is it just a different of opinion to believe that Biden is played by 7 different actors though?

With some I just avoid subjects on which we disagree, with others I present facts that show that they don't have the full picture. My BIL, who believes that anyone can get PIP and a blue badge just by applying is so annoying that I'm glad I smoke and have the excuse of going outside for a fag every time he starts. (I work in welfare rights, and know first hand how difficult it is to get PIP and how many applicants have to go through the hassle of appealing to get what they're entitled to).

MIL is a nightmare, she's perfectly able to hold two completely contradictory notions in her head at the same time, eg there are too many immigrants and it's terrible that we haven't got enough nurses/postmen/plumbers/whatever. The last time I saw her, it was dreadful that we have a housing shortage and rents are so high, but we're building too many houses everywhere.

I have some relatives like this, she's a drama queen and he considers himself so intelligent he could run the country. It's laughable what they come up with, I need to lie down in a dark room after a visit from them. They are ten years younger than us.

I've ghosted a cousin because he voted for Brexit on the basis that he feels there are too many brown faces around him and Brexit will help to keep the Indians out. I don't have to accept that. His opinion in this case is definitely less valid than mine because it's pure idiocy.

@SharpLily

While I don't agree with your cousin's opinion, and speaking as a mixed race, child of an immigrant, I still feel that his opinion is valid in its own right.
He personally wishes to be surrounded by people who he feels have more in common with him and in his mind their skin colour embodies this.

He evidently believes that the amount of immigration where he lives has meant that he no longer feels he has a common bond with the people in his community .

I can still understand someone who says this even though I don't feel this myself.

I sit and crochet/ draw/ browse the internet/ listen to music/ stare into space whilst they talk, and don't get involved. If they say something really offensive I just leave the room.

They know that I'm not going to talk politics with them and have stopped asking.

When the subject changes, I might engage.