To ask how you deal with relatives with views very different to yours

[Sindymindy]

Some family members have views that verge on the ridiculous and are clearly driven by social media with some Fox and GM news thrown in. How do you deal with this ? It’s just constant nonsense and it’s draining !! Cutting people out isn’t an option; I just need to be able to tune it out !

Sometimes though, opinions are less valid. Like when they are harmful, destructive and not actually thought through, but based on misinformation and stupidity.

The racism, abhorrent as it is, isn’t even the issue. The fact is that India isn’t in the EU! That’s not opinion, that’s fact. To think that leaving the EU means fewer Indians in the UK is moronic - in fact the government claimed it would be able to raise the quotas for sub-continent immigrants after Brexit. I don’t feel the need to give any validity to an opinion that Indians are part of the EU because that is utter stupidity. Fortunately this particular cousin didn’t breed.

And furthermore, there’s hardly any immigration where he is, it really doesn’t affect him - except that his own stepson is half-black! The only brown face he sees is in his own house!

I have relatives who I love dearly, who are kindness personified and have been there for me and my family when others were not, however they have very different political views from me. I just remember all the things they have helped me with and don't have political arguments as neither of us will change and it's not worth falling out over.

I am not prepared to accept nonsense views about COVID, vaccines, immigration, homophobia, racism or whatever it happens to be. But nor am I going to ruin my life by being upset about other people's views that I can't change, or upset a family party by having an argument.

People are very aware of my own stance, if others start on their pet conspiracy or prejudice I just say, "You know I don't agree with any of this, let's not discuss it". If they drop it, fine, if they don't, I walk away and engage with someone else, or turn to the next person at the table and start another conversation or whatever. I feel it's the best way, not to engage but to also keep the peace.

It's actually harder in the workplace, which is why I prefer workplaces which do not allow any personal views or political comment to be expressed.

I'm in my 60s and it never used to be an issue people having different opinions. Everything has gone so extreme with social media. And with stuff like Brexit/ Trump where both sides are polar opposites. Throw in Covid and vaccines and there is more space for disagreement. I just let it wash over me. I refuse to get sucked in or up in arms. I think younger people fail to understand that there has been major changes in society for them and there should be some level of sympathy and grace towards them. And remember some of their opinions may be proved right at a later date. Or young people may change their minds as they age.

Talk to them about it and if it becomes an argument then move the subject on. Having different opinions isn’t the end of the world. Surely in life you have to be able to deal with things like this a lot. One of my closest friends is far more conservative (note the small c) than me but it doesn’t stop us being great friends.

If there's no one else in the room I smile and nod even though I do t agree at all

If it gets heated I leave the room

I let others battle it out and sit back and observe

If I've had a few too many then I'll probably weigh in

Exactly. Maybe they think that your opinions are ridiculous…and to others, maybe they are.

When echo chambers meet real life...

At the risk of being branded a conspuracy theorist myself, I think too many people have spent so much time alone - through covid lockdowns, working from home and living a curated life online rather than outside - that they've forgotten the world isn't always what's in their own head. Other people have different opinions and that's a good thing. I wonder how they deal with yours?

Oh don't! I've just googled and Biden does seem to look different in various pictures. Then again, I thought the early videos showing him to be in poor health were probably fake and I was wrong.

sometimes they are less valid.. Were the moonlandings faked?

I think you are being deliberately obtuse here. The sort of views I am talking about are of the right wing, ant establishment, toxic masculinity type.

They probably don’t find my views particularly appealing but my views are quite mainstream , theirs are often not.

It is the deliberate goading I just don’t like. I think, as other posters have recommended, the grey rock approach is best. Just not and say ‘really’ etc

So a racist, sexist opinion is valid as much as it’s opposite. Sorry I can’t buy that

I have also started fact checking my mum on calls and telling her what I’m doing. She is totally caught up in the Fox News world. We avoid most topics but it’s really ruined our relationship as basically can’t talk about anything interesting as it always comes back to some fake story she has heard or wild opinion. It doesn’t help that my career is actually involved in things like climate change so I can’t even talk about work as she also thinks that’s a hoax… it’s like night and day when I have phone calls with her sisters who haven’t been captured - can actually relax and laugh and discuss things as we are all operating in the basic universe of facts. It’s quite tragic how this compares to conversations with my mum. We can basically only talk about our dogs.

My 2 brothers are like this. One is a preachy vegan who thinks milk and cheese etc are poisonous and the other thinks COVID vaccines killed thousands and mask wearing was pointless blah blah blah.....

I just don't entertain their conversations, I cut them off/change the subject and roll my eyes at them (I'll take my medical advice from the professionals I work with TYVM and I'll eat all the damn cheese/eggs etc I bloody well like!)

My DD (young adult) has very different views to me and DH which does cause some friction, especially one which means she has moved away from how she was brought up in some respects. We tend to not talk about the subjects when she is home from uni, although DH likes to bring one of them up as he is more knowledgeable than I am on it and wants to show the 'other side' to DD.
So it really depends on who the relative it. A distant homophobic relative (for example), I'd avoid with no question and just be 'polite' when I had to be. A close relative with views I vehemently disagreed with but aren't ultmiately offensive I would just not talk about those subjects when I was with them.

I have become very skilful at changing the subject. There are people in our extended family who hold views ranging from the laughable to the downright offensive but we do have to see them sometimes so I've just learned to let it go over my head. There is no point in trying to reason with them (we've tried in the past), they're not going to change their opinions at this stage in their lives and the only thing I have control over is how I respond. So I change the subject as much as possible, offer to do the washing up, or if it gets too much for me say "ooh I could do with stretching my legs before the drive home, I'm just going to take a stroll round the block for half an hour". The space and fresh air stops me from boiling over!
I don't think there's a one size fits all solution. There are probably some people who are amenable to rational discussion and can have their views changed, but others who become more entrenched if you challenge them. There are people who you can more easily avoid than others. Different approaches fit different circumstances.

You cope with it but realising that not everyone thinks the same nor should they. What are you, the thought police?

I had lunch with old family friends a while ago. The couple have been friends with my parents for close to 40 years, the children have all sort of grown up together and we sort of treat each other like friendly cousins/distant aunts and uncles. I hadn't seen them for a while as they live far away so it was lovely. But, it turns out the man has become a complete conspiracy theorist. It was quite interesting because we got into a bit of a discussion and I was laughing at him and challenging him quite lightly, but I could see his DIL getting more and more wound up. We chatted about it a bit later and she said she couldn't understand how I managed to stay so calm when she just wants to rip his head off but I pointed out that he's her FIL. Grandfather to her DC. He's staying in her house on a three week visit (a whole separate issue in itself! ).

The point is that I think these sort of peopel are best ignored or laughed at, but when they're 'people you're close to it's a lot harder. She dealt with it by getting up and clearing the table/getting more wine/making coffee etc. I thought that was totally reasonable.

People having differing views is great. Everyone being in a bubble is what got us in this mess.

encourage the debate, look at different points of view. You might change your mind they might change theirs - either way practice entertaining the idea that you’re not always right and a proper debate is how we got to be so successful as a species

What makes you think all “right wing” opinions are bad exactly?

https://www.konstantinkisin.com/p/fine-call-me-right-wing

Is half of the world really evil and wrong?

Like most previous posters, I think that when it comes to family with wildly different political views to you, it's often best not to engage, to agree to disagree or to change the subject. However, when it comes to racism, misogyny or homophobia I will always call it out, every single time. If it makes things awkward then so be it. Yes, we should all try to be tolerant of others views generally BUT racism, homophobia and misogyny are not valid poltical viewpoints. There are some things that shouldn't be tolerated.

People are entitled to their opinions. Just as you are. You don't have to agree with them, they don't have to agree with you. It's called tolerance. Just agree to disagree and change the subject, it's OK to not discuss certain topics.