To think H is a selfish p*ick?

[Incandescentwithrage]

H supports Liverpool. Who may well go through to the European Cup final to be played in Moscow. Last year he went to Eindhoven, Barcelona and Athens to watch them in the various legs of the competition. We had one family holiday to Spain.

He is now arranging to go to Moscow should they get through this year. This in spite of the fact that we are very short of money and we as a family will not be able to afford a holiday this year. His argument is that he cant afford to pay for us all to go on holiday but he might be able to afford this because it is just for him. I am absolutely furious and can hardly speak to him because I am so angry. He also says that this is a match that will never happen again and this is his justification.

Am I being unreasonable? Would welcome some tips on dealing with this. It is not just the holiday issue but we are struggling financially also. His selfishness is actually making me feel ill.

His whole attitude stinks really doesn't it??

I am glad they lost tho now you will have to justify it to yourself some other way. TBH I think you have plenty of justification and if he is saying YOU are driving a wedge between you I think you need to turn the tables on him, since it is evident that HE is the one who is doing that

Well, I'm a huge Liverpool fan and although part of me was gutted last night a huge part of me was relieved thinking "Hurrah! Incandescent's utter knob of a DH won't get to squander their money on a Moscow trip!"

Hope you manage to sort things out to your satisfaction. He really needs a good kick up the arse!

ICWR, I am so sorry for you. I know the immediate problem may have been "solved" but this was never about Liverpool winning or losing but your H's pathetically selfish attitude and you're potentially going to be facing exactly the same issues again in the future.

As Madmuggle says, the only wedge making is of HIS doing, not yours. I'd like to see his reaction if you took it upon yourself to spend £1000s just for you at the expense of everyone else and at a time when you were feeling the pinch. I bet you wouldn't be "allowed" to do it.

Would you consider suggesting counselling to him ? (that is, if you haven't already decided that leaving at some point is probably the best option).

..when DH was racing as a hobby I INSISTED that I got an equal amount of cash to pursue a hobby of my own. I made him itemise all the costs and he discovered racing was £6,000 a year AT LEAST and there was not another £6,000 for me. So he stopped racing.
Now we use this money for holidays we can all enjoy.

Ohhh Miggsie good idea!

tots up DH's hobby expenditure

KER CHING BABY!!!!

Your post has made me feel like im not the only one with a selfish bastard for a partner.YANBU in the slightest. All my partner doe is watch football, play football, drink whilst watching football and bet on football.AAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, guess where he s tonight, gone to play footy then going for a drink to watch the footy!

Incandescent - have you ever threatened any consequences before, if your h puts his own interest in football before you and the dc?
If so, did you follow it through?

Sounds like he has got away with it for a long time, and also will worry about losing face with his mates if he backs out of the trip now.

You are NOT being unreasonable, btw. He is acting like a spoilt selfish brat.

Yes shatteredmumsrus are you sure you are not actually with my H? When he is here he scans all the channels for ANY kind of football match, no league, charity, 5 a side - anything will do.

I haven't threatened consequences before EW because it didn't bother me all that much as long as we could afford it and he was pretty generous about holidays for us. It was irritating being left with the kids all the time as he also has an extremely active social life but I just got on with it. It is different now though because of the lack of funds to support it. We can t afford it, we cant afford a family holiday this year so that is what made me give him the ultimatum. Suppose deep down I have been pissed off for a long time about being taken for granted. I don t go out much and I don't mind that but it is always a problem when I do, little snide comments and huffing and puffing about it. Feel like he has always put himself first, his kids second, his family and mates third and me no where.

You cock of a husband is, by the sounds of it, a single man in his own eyes. He appears to treat you like a housekeeper

I wonder if he has thought through what his own life would be like if you left him, Incandescent, and how much money he would have to play with if you divorced.

Some divorced fathers seem to get totally fleeced financially, and others seem to get away with paying almost nothing.

Well a quick update. H went out last night and got completely drunk. Did not get up to spend Bank Holiday with us so I took the kids out for the day. He tried to call us while we were out but I didn't hear the calls. Arrived home to find that he has gone out on the piss again and is refusing to answer his phone and now switched it off. This has happened many times before but it has been about a year since the last bender. I know that I have got to leave him but my situation is absolutely dire. I have no money whatsoever. I am in social housing with a joint tenancy, which he refuses point blank to leave. He is incredibly unreliable and I am terrified at having to let him have my kids without me there to supervise. If I am honest that is the reason I have stayed this long.

He told me that if I leave him and try to limit access to the kids he would rather see them go into care than have that happen and he will tell social services and the police about things in my past and even make up lies about me so that he will get my children. He threatens to take them away abroad when he does have them.

I feel utterly trapped. I am going to see a solicitor and apply for legal aid and then divorce him but who is going to be there when he comes to my house and forcibly takes my children. I don t have any thing going for me at all. All that happens if I leave is that my kids will be out of my care with a man who has an alcohol problem and is totally unreliable. One night I went to the cinema and when I got back he had locked me out (not on purpose) and was drunk on the sofa, too drunk to even hear the door bell and get up and answer the door. My kids were awake and crying because I had to ring the doorbell to try to get in. In the end I had to call the fire brigade to break in for me.

I need advice. Can I get re-housed if we split up because I know for a fact he will not leave. Any help or advice would be gratefully received. Sorry this is so long.

It doesn't sound like you who needs to be worried about Social Services' intervention, incandescent! Comatose on the sofa whilst in charge of the kids alone?!?!

I'd be surprised if he was permitted unsupervised access to the kids when it comes to it (although am perhaps being somewhat optimistic, other MNers will have a better idea). Remember there are contact centres where he can go and access is supervised. Or a relative can provide the same service I think.

I think the first thing you need to do is talk to Women's Aid for some good advice. The chances of his threats being anything other than hot air are quite small - he's just pushing the buttons he knows will hurt/frighten you the most.

You can't stay with someone because you're frightened of them having unsupervised access to your children - you must see that now you've written it down in black and white?

Keep posting - we're here to help. There are many MNers who've been in your situation (I'm not one of them admittedly).

hi,ive just read the whole thread(got a bit confused at first cos i didnt realise it started last week).

firstly,i have been in a similar situtaion in the past with my xh,the only difference was he had been convicted of assaulting me once.he was an alcoholic and gambling addict.we had a joint tenancy on a council house,and i was told by my solicitor that i could get a court order that he had to leave the house,but it would have taken 3 weeks unless i was in immediate danger from him.

in the end i bribed him to get out(we were on benefits and the money got paid into my bank,so i told him he could have his share of the money if he fecked off.i was even kind enough to get him a room in the homeless shelter).i typed a letter for him to sign,saying he was relinqueshing his half of the tenancy to me,and told him i would give him the money when he signed it.

he came out with all the crap about access to ds etc.in the end he buggered off back to where he came from and i never heard from him again.

what i am trying to say is you can get him out of the house,and you can stop him having unsupervised access to the dc.

it will be difficult and bloody scary,but in a few months time when you and your dc are happy and settled,you will be so glad you refused to put up with his shit for a moment longer.

Good for you Diva. I am so pleased to hear you are protecting your dc from this man.

Shit, incandescent - your problem is worse than I first thought. What started out as an immature husband who is choosing football over his family has turned into a man with an alcohol problem who is incapable of looking after his children, and it seems as though your children are actually at risk if left with him alone. I am no expert but thinking off the top of my head, what I would do is write down everything against him - stick to fact ie. on such and such date he locked you out of the house due to being drunk whilst he was incharge of your kids etc etc at such and such time you had to call the fir brigade to let you in, children were distressed etc etc. I would have thought you'll need to have that evidence to hand.

Also, do you have any family or close friends you could stay with until you are able to sort out your housing? Somewhere that you feel safe if he does come round demanding to take/see the children? I guess not otherwise you probably would have gone down that route already. I am not suprosed you feel trapped. A solicitor will be able to tell you where you stand.

I really feel for you and understand how you feel absolutely trapped. I hope others will be able to give you more advise.

I was browsing last night & came across this thread. Firstly incandescent, from your postings you're clearly intelligent and articulate, and no matter what he's been telling you for years, you deserve and can get better.

If it has gone too far for Relate to salvage then you need to get out or your kids will grow up thinking his behaviour is normal and acceptable, and it sooo isn't.

You need to speak to your housing officer asap to find out where you stand. I would also suggest making a double appt to see your GP & talk things over with them. GP's will often write letters supporting applications for rehousing if the current situation is effecting their patients health - and this has to be effecting your mental health if nothing else. Also, you commented that he threatened to tell social services about things from your past, if this is something you saw a medical person for then it will be on your medical record so best to come clean to your GP, but past is past. Social services will be concerned only with current & future risk to the children.

How long ago was the fire brigade incident? Your solicitor might be able to obtain the report of the call-out, which would be some solid proof of his unsuitability.

Best of luck to you.