Draining guests

[FunkyGoldfish]

We have friends who come and stay once a year. They both eat a lot (much more than we do) and expect breakfast, lunch, snacks and evening meal. They like a drink. This last visit (they stayed 3 nights), we got through 8 bottles of wine, 6 beers plus G&Ts - most of that was consumed by them. They expect us to drive them everywhere when they are here and never offer to use their car. Over the years they bring less with them - they used to arrive with wine, chocolates, flowers - this time, they brought one bottle of wine. They have always paid for an evening meal at a pub on one of the days but we end up paying for coffees/lunch out - they never offer but just say "we're taking you out for a meal" as if that justifies us paying for everything else. They both have good jobs and earn more than us. Their visit costs us a small fortune and we are exhausted afterwards. We have never stayed with them - they've never invited us. I think they see their stay here as a little holiday (we live in a popular tourist area) and, tbh, we feel used. They've only just left and I'm already dreading getting the message asking when they can come next year. What would you do?

Oh man I had visitors earlier this year with the same attitude! ‘We paid a fortune to get here and many hours so you have to give us a 2 week free vacation while here.’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ the expectations were outrageous but I lost it after a few days so yeah…

Try being honest and saying you are taking a break from having houseguests as you've been hosting too much recently and it is getting exhausting and expensive. But if they are staying in a hotel near you, you'd be happy to catch up for a walk and a pub lunch.

They are super demanding and have high expectations that you will conform to the pattern they have laid down for their own convenience.
It’s not difficult to slip into this annual ritual as routine I know. But only you can put a stop to it. So take a firm lead in changing things now.

When they message asking to book dates for next year, ignore the message….you are busy for now and simply got distracted and forgot to respond.
Some time later, or when they message again, reply in your own time to say that you have both come to the decision that you won’t be hosting next year at all, but are still considering your plans.

Don’t volunteer reasons, it’s perfectly polite and acceptable under all circumstances, CF circumstances or not, to keep it that simple.

If they press you for reasons just say … it’s just a decision we have come to as a couple, please don’t take it personally but no, we won’t be hosting at all next year, we are still thinking about how we want to spend our leisure time budget.

You can still be friends if that’s what you want …be proactive in suggesting alternatives, saying what a lovely change it would make to do something different - eg meeting up half way somewhere interesting, for dinner and an overnight/long weekend, each couple paying their own way of course.

You are under no obligation to respond the same as before to their invitation to invite you again.
If you are really upset by their message to ask you for dates to come again, you can simply say…. No thank you, not this year, we have other plans.

Definitely turn it around on them OP. Simply: "Should we swap things around this year? We would love to be your Guests this time! Just let us know which dates work for you?"

Guessing they will come out with a dozen excuses, so you can simply say "What a shame. Let's leave it for this year then, hope to visit you soon!"

Have done similar on a smaller scale. It's great to be a permanent Guest for some people. One woman actually responded:
"Oh no, I wouldn't want to host, I like to get away from my home"

She wasn't even a friend, just a very pushy acquaintance FFS 🤨

I haven't read all the responses but I have read all your posts OP.

I think these 'friends' are using you for a cheap getaway. If you have any desire to meet up then I would suggest you offering to stay with them next time, but say something vague about 'DH and I have decided not to host guests for short stays this year' and hopefully they'll get the message...

TBH I think this is the best response. It’s short and sweet, honest, but leaves the door open for the friendship to continue if they want to book a hotel.

If people don't host themselves, they have very little idea of what is involved in the planning, effort and costs, plus the loss of your home privacy for the duration of their visit.

We had relatives this summer, they probably thought they were low effort, but their inability to plan but expectation that dinner would be provided even if I thought they wouldn't be there, and extending a visit of what was meant to be a couple of nights into a full week, were exhausting for DH and I.

They talked about coming back and I plucked up the courage to suggest that they come mostly when we are away next summer so they can dog sit , so they get somewhere to stay and we get something from the arrangement as well. Everyone agreed it was a good idea, but then the DH started talking about extending the stay, ostensibly to spend more time with us, but in reality because he likes where we live. At this point I had to say I found long term visitors draining and whilst we are happy to host for a couple of nights, they need to find an Airbnb for a longer stay. Crickets from them since.

When you get the text asking about next year I would write something along the lines of sorry that doesn't work for us and leave it at that. If they keep messaging then say actually you'd like to visit them for a change or enforce boundaries you are comfortable with. So for instance you could respond that your circumstances have changed and you can no longer foot the bill for all visits out so they need to step up, buy alcohol in and once its gone they need to foot the bill, you'd expect them to entertain themselves during the day. Make it abundantly clear that hosting has cost you a lot of money and you simply can't afford it going further, if they have just been a bit obtuse that should shame them into realising how much they have put you out. If they are cfs it won't though. Tbh I'm quite blunt and would say an outright no but if you want to continue the friendship you'd be better enforcing boundaries you are happy with.

In the words of Zammo, just say No.

There have been some brilliant replies on here. Don’t make excuses, they will keep on pushing and you will dread it. Just say you find hosting all a bit much, you get so many people asking to stay. If they want to stay in a local b and b and then you would love to meet up for a meal. I also live in a tourist place and have a really big house, so people just love to come here and think we have tons of space. I hate it. The house takes so much time to look after and I don’t have a cleaner, so it is a lot of work. I am much more wise to people who contact me once a year and invite themselves to stay. I just say I find it exhausting having house guests, or just ghost the people who are truly freeloaders! They eventually get the message!

This is the thing. People don't realise you are doing extra heavy laundry - bedding and towels, extra cleaning of bathrooms and bedrooms, extra shopping and cooking and clearing up afterwards, catering for tastes and habits and sleep patterns that are different from your own, being polite and warm and chatty all the time when you are shattered or grumpy or want to just have beans on toast, drinking wine every night when you want a cup of tea and early bedtime. Once or twice a year this is fine but constant flows of guests are shattering. Even B&B owners who get paid and don;t have to entertain their guests find they burn out.

To be honest I don’t think expecting lifts is not unusual, you know the area and where to park etc so maybe they think it is easier, no harm for them to offer but just offering their perspective on that.

for the evening out I would be suggesting a taxi so everyone can have a drink and I would be saying why don’t we get a taxi, it’s about £20 each way so £20 each or we can pay going and you can cover coming back.

I would also scale back the lunches and coffees so you are not caught out paying for everything. Or take them the supermarket with you to do the shopping for when they are there so they can cover some of the cost. They may just see it as it’s your house, we don’t know what you have got in, what you need etc so don’t know what to bring. Or suggest a takeaway while they are there and say it’s about £50 so is £25 each ok?

I think you sound a lovely friend/host but some of this does seem to be your own doing. They do pay for dinner which is generous but you should control this, not them.

Yes! This! Even if someone is only staying one night, that is extra laundry and bed making. I just don’t get people who invite themselves anyway, surely they realise you would offer an invitation if you wanted to have them to stay!