Draining guests

[FunkyGoldfish]

We have friends who come and stay once a year. They both eat a lot (much more than we do) and expect breakfast, lunch, snacks and evening meal. They like a drink. This last visit (they stayed 3 nights), we got through 8 bottles of wine, 6 beers plus G&Ts - most of that was consumed by them. They expect us to drive them everywhere when they are here and never offer to use their car. Over the years they bring less with them - they used to arrive with wine, chocolates, flowers - this time, they brought one bottle of wine. They have always paid for an evening meal at a pub on one of the days but we end up paying for coffees/lunch out - they never offer but just say "we're taking you out for a meal" as if that justifies us paying for everything else. They both have good jobs and earn more than us. Their visit costs us a small fortune and we are exhausted afterwards. We have never stayed with them - they've never invited us. I think they see their stay here as a little holiday (we live in a popular tourist area) and, tbh, we feel used. They've only just left and I'm already dreading getting the message asking when they can come next year. What would you do?

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Stop buying them so much food and drink.

They are getting away with it because you are letting them. Why are you pandering to people you don't have much contact with the rest of the year?

I never understand how people can be good enough friends that supposedly they stay with you, but not good enough that you can't say something. It doesn' thave to be a huge confrontation. A simpe, "you're welcome to come and use our house as a base for a trip, but we don't have the finances and/or time for huge entertaining or lots of tourist activities" or "This year, let's arrange a rota for meals/drinks" or even just, "oy, you turned up with one bottle of wine for a week? Cheeky buggers. [tinkly laugh] You'll hvae to pop to the shops tomorrow!"

Friendship is voluntary.
Why not say you have decided to stop hosting for a while and see where the friendship goes?

Could you say 'Actually, we'd LOVE to come to you this time'. You might not want to, but a) that will probably be the last you'll hear of them and b) if they do agree, go for it and get your revenge and c) you could then broach the subject of stopping this tradition and perhaps suggest all getting an AirBnB somewhere else together? Just be brave and say that having guests for any more than a day is getting too much.

Might be worth actually expressing this to them. “Dear CF friends, while we have always enjoyed having you over, this year’s visit has felt rather uneven in terms of what you are expecting from us, and what we feel we are financially able to provide. You used to share the costs of the visit but this time you seem to think we should pay for your entire holiday [examples].
As a result, we feel that you are using us for our hospitality in this location and it doesn’t feel friendly. I’m sure you will be mortified to realise, but you’ll understand why we don’t want this annual arrangement to continue in this way.”

Then just don't set a date. Or don't have much food in house or booze. Obviously you are much too generous as hosts. So cut that out.
Oh dear that's the last bottle gone. Then silence. If they want a drink they can pop to Tesco....keep up the we're out of wine on repeat. Be stingy hosts. Rubbish food. Take flasks of coffee with you etc.. Keep the house cold. Run out of hot water etc.

What would I do? I'd stop inviting them, or if you're not inviting them, learn how to say no.

To be fair to your guests op, taking you out and paying for one meal out of a three-night stay is a reasonably generous gesture imho, but I see they do drink a lot, and expecting to be driven around is cheeky.

Op you don't have to do this next year. Let this be the last time. You have done your bit.

Just be on the alert for the "initiating" phone call. I know how these things can work, you are chatting on the phone about something completely different and people casually slip in a phrase such as "we'll do that when we visit in November" as though it's a fait accompli and you think "hang on, when was this agreed?".

So don't let any casual remarks slip. Hoist the big girl pants right up to your chest, breathe deeply, and in a loud voice say something like, "actually Janice that doesn't work for us, as we are taking a break from hosting for various reasons next year". And if they don't accept no for an answer, because some people have skin like a rhino, repeat "no actually, we are finding hosting too much and we aren't doing it next year". If asked why just tell them straight, "you know how it is Janice, some people like to take advantage and rarely reciprocate and it's exhausting" and then stop speaking and let silence reign while the pennies drop.

Do you host others? If you do, I'd just reply "wev decided to stop hosting as often as it all adds up and we are focusing on saving. There's a lovely air b&b/hotel nearby I can send you the link to and can let us know if you book to meet up for a dinner or lunch if wer free."

My in laws solved this by just telling people that as they got older they don't host any more...they recommend a hotel and agree to meet up while people are in the areas.

My husband and I are just starting in our 50s to feel the same about some visitors we have....

Next time they ask to come suggest that you go to them this time.

Tell them you've gone teetotal. In my experience, they will run away so fast, they will leave a hole in the air...

This 😍

they've never invited us. I think they see their stay here as a little holiday (we live in a popular tourist area) and, tbh, we feel used. They've only just left and I'm already dreading getting the message asking when they can come next year.

Read this back, OP. Why are you waiting for an invitation when they invite themselves? Why do you always wait for them to offer to pay, rather than simply saying ‘We’ll split this.’ Don’t stock up on the drinks they like - when you run out, tell them to go and get whatever they like.

Stop being such a doormat!

I’d either be honest - ‘it’s great to see you guys but we can’t afford to do what we just did, cost of living!’ or obfuscate about dates till they get the message. If neither works for you next time they come just buy one bottle of wine per meal. Once it’s drunk it’s drunk. Don’t buy them coffees, take a flask. No steak, sausage casserole. Match their energy!

Dear Freeloaders, We have decided to no longer host our friends due to private circumstances (we hate freeloaders if you're nosy enough to ask).

Job done.

Why are you friends if you have barely any contact except when they visit and then you are left poor and upset? You don't have to be nice to people who are horrible to you. Friends are supposed to enhance your life.

If you enjoy seeing them then go with the ‘why don’t we come to you next time’ approach.
otherwise you either need to say ‘can we do things a little differently’ and explain or be vague and non-commital when they broach the subject of another visit. You need to take control of this and anticipate how they will react to whatever you say.

To be fair to your guests op, taking you out and paying for one meal out of a three-night stay is a reasonably generous gesture imho, but I see they do drink a lot, and expecting to be driven around is cheeky.

No I don’t think one meal is reasonable. When visiting friends for 3 days we would take them out for 1 very good meal, but would still expect to come with lots of alcohol etc. if we had a coffee we would fight for the bill. Our friends are the same.

I would be inclined to tell them that since moving to this popular tourist area, you have had so many people visit that you don't have a moment's peace and it is wearing you both out, so you have made a decision that you will no longer be hosting anybody (except your parents). But can recommend a good hotel just up the road and if they are visiting the area, you would love to meet them for a coffee.

Really like this

That’s not friendship. That’s how acquaintances keep in touch or CF who want a free holiday. There’s no need to pussyfoot around with them because you know, but for the free holiday you wouldn’t hear from them at all.

Just tell them that it feels weird having them in your home for three days as there’s so little contact between you for the rest of the year.

Just tell them no.