Draining guests

[FunkyGoldfish]

We have friends who come and stay once a year. They both eat a lot (much more than we do) and expect breakfast, lunch, snacks and evening meal. They like a drink. This last visit (they stayed 3 nights), we got through 8 bottles of wine, 6 beers plus G&Ts - most of that was consumed by them. They expect us to drive them everywhere when they are here and never offer to use their car. Over the years they bring less with them - they used to arrive with wine, chocolates, flowers - this time, they brought one bottle of wine. They have always paid for an evening meal at a pub on one of the days but we end up paying for coffees/lunch out - they never offer but just say "we're taking you out for a meal" as if that justifies us paying for everything else. They both have good jobs and earn more than us. Their visit costs us a small fortune and we are exhausted afterwards. We have never stayed with them - they've never invited us. I think they see their stay here as a little holiday (we live in a popular tourist area) and, tbh, we feel used. They've only just left and I'm already dreading getting the message asking when they can come next year. What would you do?

Since they've just gone back , now is the time to nip this is the bud.
Dear cf , we enjoyed your stay so much and it was great to see you. However going forward we've decided that we will be unable to host guests for the foreseeable.
Don't wait for them to contact you, get ahead of them and get in there first

There are always people on these threads who don't understand how you could end up being taken advantage of as a host and I in turn don't understand why they don't understand! My background is west of Scotland working class but I think this is common in the UK generally, that among friends and family you err on the side of generosity whether you're hosting or being hosted - like if you go out for food say, there's a whole "now you put your money away" fight to pay each time, but within that, broadly you would expect over time to come out about equal in terms of what you contribute. If someone is long term not contributing, we would never be so unstylish as to say anything to them, but we would slowly stop inviting them to stuff. If it was someone who didn't understand the rules at all - I had some German colleagues at uni for example who fell foul of this - for them I would break the fourth wall and explain what is going on, but even then, I would expect most adults from any culture to realise that generosity between friends can't always go the one way, and there needs to be some reciprocity somehow, even if you're missing out on the cultural cues to do it. And if someone is going to have to question the social rules in order to make that happen, it's going to be far nicer if you go "I can't keep accepting all these drinks off everyone, please let me buy a round!" than if you say nothing and eventually your hosts feel like they have to say "actually we think it might be your turn to pay" - which is much more awkward for everyone and is a total friendship killer for me - something I would only ever do if I was so pissed off with the person's ongoing stinginess that I was happy not to see them again.
I could well imagine that the OP had a couple of visits like that where the guests ended up getting a bit more than they received and she thought "it'll even itself out the next time" but the CF guests have taken it as carte balance to be even cheekier this time! I can't imagine they have many long term friendships like that, but maybe they prefer free dinners to friendships, some people are like that.

This, or a version of this. Now, while the memory of their visit is still fresh in your minds.

No.

please come back when they have messaged you and let us know what you replied :)

But that only works, if, as you acknowledge yourself, if everyone is operating according to the same cultural norms about hosting and paying. I come from a similar background to you (an annual lunch after an anniversary mass is enlivened by each of the three siblings (my mother, aunt and uncle) present trying to pay for everyone, and people sneaking off to the loo to pay surreptitiously, culminating in one year, when the staff were a bit distracted, in the bill being paid twice!), but I have enough friends from cultures with very different expectations to be flexible.

If the OP hosts these people annually, but doesn’t ever go to stay with them, then the system of rough reciprocation isn’t going to work, as the hosts are never guests, so will only get the token lunch in reciprocation for three days of feeding, watering, entertaining and transporting.

Just say no! It's amazing.

“Unfortunately we’ve concluded that hosting guests isn’t affordable for us, we live in a popular tourist spot so I’m sure you’ll understand”

You are being an absolute doormat!

Read over your OP then read it again - don't you feel a bit daft?

All of this is in your hands. These people are not your friends, you hardly ever hear from them and you only see them when they want a(nother) free holiday.

Delay replying to their texts so that contact is minimal throughout the year then when you get next year's 'when shall we come visit?" just say you've had lots of visitors over the past year and you want some time to yourselves then keep repeating each time they ask.

If you keep letting them walk all over you then nothing will change.

I would be tempted to do this too. “It’s all starting to feel a bit one sided. Hosting you costs us a lot in money and effort and you’ve never invited us back.” As pp said you have nothing to lose. If they stop coming it will be their loss and your gain.

How old are you and how long have you been doing it? I think I'd just say with a laugh you're getting older and finding it all too difficult now.

As a few previous posters have suggested, when the subject of their next visit is raised by them, either in an email, other social media message, or by phone, simply reply "It's our turn to come to you next."
No sorry, No prevarication, no need to say anything else. Then change the subject.
If they ask why, just repeat the same sentence. Then change the subject.
If they try and come at it another way, just repeat the same sentence. Then change the subject.
Make sure your OH is primed to do the same. They will get the message. And if they then try to arrange your visit to them (which I doubt they will), just say "We'll get back to you." Then change the subject. Then don't get back to them (unless you actually want to go and stay with them).
It helps if you and your OH practice this between yourselves beforehand.
This is not rude - they are the ones who have been repeatedly rude. It's just you firmly asserting boundaries.
I speak from experience!

I really like this as a response, assuming that you would actually like to visit them/ maintain a connection.

I'd say that you're unable to be host this time (and any further times) and that if they're looking for a night away or whatever, you would recommend X hotel or Y AirBnB and that you'd be happy to meet with them for lunch somewhere during their visit to your town/city.

That's what I'd say to them.

We lived in the Channel Islands for five years, it was like running a fucking B&B, have moved back to the northwest now and no longer drink alcohol and it’s crickets, no one suddenly say things like ‘it’s been ages since we saw you!’ Or as I always translated ’you are our favourite friends/relatives, we would love to see you for a cheap holiday and use your pool!’. Problem is my partner didn’t mind it or didn’t like saying no, it pissed me off, his mum practically lived with us!

My suggestion is if your not confrontational, just go silent on the matter, change the subject, never commit, say vague things like ‘we will see’ but never get back with a date, people usually move on to the next victim, sorry, I mean close friend 🙄

@slightlygoneoff but given that this cultural norm exists quite widely in the UK, I find it odd and a bit disingenuous when pps go "how could the OP have let herself get into this situation?" and suggest she makes pointed comments that in our sort of guess culture are as good as telling the other person to eff off.
I agree though that it's always going to be quite difficult to reciprocate if one side is doing the hosting and the other side never does. I mean for me, this is why I don't host guests other than my in-laws, because I don't like hosting and I also don't like being a guest, so the rules of Scottish hospitality means I would need to follow up an uncomfortable weekend of hosting with the "reward" of another uncomfortable weekend of being a guest.

@Anycrispsleft

If it was someone who didn't understand the rules at all - I had some German colleagues at uni for example who fell foul of this - for them I would break the fourth wall and explain what is going on

That’s so interesting you use the term “breaking the fourth wall”. I’m Autistic and have just realised that’s what I do - break the fourth wall - a lot more than others. I’m programmed to say things bluntly like this but know that socially most people don’t like it. Even the ones being treated unfairly would be shocked I had said something.

I spend so much time holding my tongue in these situations now.

I bet these people are thinking to themselves “they love seeing us and we make all that effort to drive down, so it is only right that they provide most of the drinks/entertainment when we get there”.

Unfortunately they will keep thinking this (and believing this is how you really feel) unless you say or do something to change their minds.

It’s not at all disingenuous to suggest people need to grow out of this particular cultural norm if, as in the OP’s case, it’s causing actual stress and displeasure on an annual basis. It’s clear these people are never going to reciprocate as this one-sided arrangement has been going on for years, and they never invite the OP to stay. It’s ridiculous to keep going along with something that they don’t enjoy purely to maintain the fiction of ‘good hosts never let a guest put a hand in their pocket’.

Oooo I want to stay at your house- sounds great!!

Seriously though just meet them for a day out instead half way between yours and theirs.

And yes, it’s perfectly possible this is true.

CF freeloaders who only text a few times a year - and one of them is to ask "When can we come?" ?

A simple "Sorry, we're not hosting this year." Tbh I'd be ignoring any texts at all from them from now on - no reply IS a reply.

@FunkyGoldfish ‘dear CF, we can’t afford to continue to host you going forward but would love to catch up again if you stay in the area”.

Let’s face it - minimum contact through the year but expect an all inclusive free holiday in your home.. these aren’t friends.

can you have a holiday in their spare room? Do you get invited to their area?

Telling them you are looking forward to sharing the details of your spiritual journey also works.

I’d go with the second part of this - happy to see them if they are visiting the area but they’ll need to book an air b n b going forward as you’ve converted the spare room into a hobby room and no longer have a bed for them…

But essentially just because you’ve hosted them in the past, doesn't mean you’re obliged to host them forever. In your situation I would be quite ruthless - what do they bring to you as a couple versus what you give back in money and inconvenience? From what you’ve said, it’s not a reciprocal friendship just a ‘keep the communication open so that we can have a largely free holiday once a year’ kind of arrangement. If you don’t truly enjoy their company, don’t feel you could reach out to them for support in a crisis, and feel that they’d stop reaching out if you moved to somewhere less touristy… then just boot them.