Draining guests

[FunkyGoldfish]

We have friends who come and stay once a year. They both eat a lot (much more than we do) and expect breakfast, lunch, snacks and evening meal. They like a drink. This last visit (they stayed 3 nights), we got through 8 bottles of wine, 6 beers plus G&Ts - most of that was consumed by them. They expect us to drive them everywhere when they are here and never offer to use their car. Over the years they bring less with them - they used to arrive with wine, chocolates, flowers - this time, they brought one bottle of wine. They have always paid for an evening meal at a pub on one of the days but we end up paying for coffees/lunch out - they never offer but just say "we're taking you out for a meal" as if that justifies us paying for everything else. They both have good jobs and earn more than us. Their visit costs us a small fortune and we are exhausted afterwards. We have never stayed with them - they've never invited us. I think they see their stay here as a little holiday (we live in a popular tourist area) and, tbh, we feel used. They've only just left and I'm already dreading getting the message asking when they can come next year. What would you do?

"Sorry, we are not going to fit it in this year. Happy to suggest other places you can stay if you still want to visit the area, and may be able to meet up for a meal while you are here. Take care">

You do not need to explain yourself. Just say 'we are not in a position to host anymore' and leave it at that.

Yes, that's how we feel sometimes - that we're running a b&b. I don't mind people staying if they pay their way and help out when they're here (meal prep/laying the table/washing up after a meal etc) but these guests just sit there drinking and asking where we're taking them next.

We drive them out for the meal so one of us then can't drink. They eat lots of food/sides and drink loads. What they pay for our part of the meal doesn't even cover the cost of the alcohol they have consumed at ours. And they've then had meals at ours, been driven around and we've paid for coffees/lunch out.

Haha! Didn't think of that when I wrote the title!!

Just stop doing it. You can be blunt or you can put them off with vague excuses until they get the hint.

Why do people tolerate this shite. Why does it become incumbent on OP to feel guilty when these royal piss taking parasites haven't got the social or emotional intelligence to realise how repugnant they are. I would've even make any excuses, just say No, you're busy...very busy....cannot accommodate and give them a list of B&Bs..good luck

You are clearly a lovely person OP, your ‘friends’ less so. I can relate to you - I previously enjoyed hosting, I live in a part of the world that people love to visit, I would pull out all the stops. Things have changed since having young DC and we can no longer play tour guides, chefs and taxi drivers! People become accustomed to what you initially provided and now expect that every time. Good friends will reciprocate though, or at the very least reduce the demands and increase the gratitude. They have a lot of audacity! Time for some rock solid boundaries I think, the dynamic massively needs to shift. They are taking but what are they giving in return? Don’t accept this.

Exactly this. They were extremely generous the first couple of times they stayed and we pulled out all the stops to be welcoming and make sure that they had a good time staying with us. We had recently moved and were happy that people wanted to come and see us. As the years have gone on, they have brought less and less with them and seemed to expect more from us. I kept thinking "maybe next year will be different" but the last 2 visits have made me feel used so I don't think now things will change.

Thank you. Yes, I think they expect the initial hospitality we provided years ago (when we were new to the area, went overboard with catering and really keen to welcome guests). Other regular guests just slot in with us, offer to drive/prep food, pay for coffees/meal out, some even bring a meal they have cooked. These guests don't host much themselves (only their immediate family) so maybe they just don't realise what effort goes in to entertaining visitors.

Given how you've described things it sounds like they don't have a problem expressing themselves with what they want and you do.

Have you ever asked instead of waiting for them to offer? Do you tell them to bring all the alcohol for everyone for their visit and you'll sort the non-pub food? Do you ask them to drive? Or load the dishwasher?

Not everyone likes driving in unfamiliar areas and it makes sense for you to drive because you know how to get everywhere and all the quirks of the area.

They probably don't even know they're doing anything to annoy you, since you've had the same arrangement years. I don't see why them bringing flowers and chocolates would suddenly make everything okay again. And they're unable to compare themselves to your other guests, they don't have that knowledge.

It sounds like you were excited to show off your new home in the beginning and it's fizzled out.

Well, maybe they can start realising when you turn up for a long awaited visit - they can return the hospitality!!

When next year's visit is mentioned, tell them you already have plans, and the year after that, say the same thing. If they are only visiting you as a means to a cheap holiday, then they'll stop contact and find someone else, who lives in a nice area, to scrounge off.

I used to live in Dubai. Hosted far too many people but we were only there a few years so we’re happy to help people have an affordable break and MOST of our visitors were lovely and understood about being good guests.
Our old neighbours got in touch. Their DD was a very close friend of our DD so when they suggested they come out and get the girls together it seems like a nice idea.
They were bloody awful. Ate and drank like it was an all inclusive and they wanted to get their money’s worth. Didn’t contribute even a bottle from duty free. Mooched at the house and pool all day.
I took them out and paid on day 1 and this seemed to give them expectations that their whole trip was on me.
Next trip I said it would be X amount for them to get in (water park) and the wife said it was a bit steep for them then with a little laugh ‘probably sounds ridiculous to you with your income but some of us have to be careful with money’.
I ignored and just said it was up to them but a shame to come all that way and not do things but could have a rethink. She said ‘So looks like we are not going then?’
I said I was happy to host but we had lots of visitors and would be a bit much to pay for everyone’s holiday. She then came out with the best cheeky fucker line ever…
‘Well we have paid hundred of pounds to travel here to see you so don’t think it seems fair to pay more when we get here’.
Yes. They thought their whole visit was a favour to us! Maybe OP’s friends are the same. They’ve travelled there so they’ve done their bit 😁

They invite themselves every year because you agree to them coming, but being so greedy and entitled is inexcusable. Don’t lie, just say no.
”When can we come this year for a free holiday and to drink ourselves silly at your expense ?
“Hi Fred and Wilma, we’re not hosting this year. How about if we meet up for lunch, or perhaps we could come to yours”.
You don’t have to give a reason, but if they whinge, tell them the truth- this year you ended up paying for everything, being a taxi service and it’s expensive and tiring.
If they are true friends they’ll be mortified, realise they’ve taken you for granted, and apologise. If they don’t, unfortunately you’ll know they are just freeloaders, not friends.

Oh my goodness, how rude! Are you still friends with them?!
Our guests do have a 4 hour drive to get here and they do keep making a fuss about how bad the traffic was/what an awful journey they had - so maybe they feel the same as your visitors?

Excellent OP - now you can say oh no, the traffic will be too bad. I don't want to you have to sit in traffic.

Ah yes, we have friends like this. And family. They seem to come to ours every year for their holiday. But I can’t even remember when we were last invited to theirs. One couple has lived in 3 houses and had 2 dc since we were last invited. BIL/SIL have moved twice and last time we stayed with BIL he had a different SIL who he has since divorced and now found a new one. 😂 They come for a week, 3 meals a day, plus snacks, cases of wine, it’s like running an AI resort. Last Christmas, we paid for a week’s worth of food, drinks, chocolates, etc easily £800 worth of food and they treated us to one round of drinks at the pub. Even my attempts to get them to go get the takeaway were dodged so we paid for that too. Dh is too polite and feels a lot of FOG when it comes to his family. But seriously, no more, I’ve run out of steam. The answer is now no or great, why don’t we come to you then?! (Then I send Dh and the dc and I stay at home with the dog).

Oh COME ON OP!

It's obvious they've played the long game by being OK the first time then scaling back!

They KNOW exactly what they're doing! They don't give a teeny shite about your "friendship" - just what freebies they can cadge out of you.

If they are really, truly friends there is no way on earth they would have done this. None. How can you not see this for what it is?

This is a good idea. I’ve just had another baby so that room is no longer the “guest” room unfortunately means my BIL, his wife and children can’t stay which I’m very pleased about.

last Xmas when they stayed, my SIL didn’t bring any sort of chair for her 5 month old so sat the entire time holding the baby while I ran around like an idiot constantly picking up toys after a 2 & 3 year old. She expected endless snacks for her child including 2 breakfasts so he didn’t feel left out when my son had something different… just picked constantly and never finished a meal.

Icing on the cake was when they left I realised they’d scraped their travel cot all down the stair wall (up and down over and over) which meant we had to repaint.

i said never again and funnily enough that day I ovulated and my second son is now 10 weeks old 😂😂

fuck your rude entitled guests, don’t feel obliged to have them over

Two choices really:

1. Reply, was lovely to have you stay but we’d really like to stay with you next time. Then if they reciprocate it’s balanced. If they are tight and don’t treat you the same, stop having them over.
2. Just reply that you don’t want to commit at this stage as you don’t know what your plans are next year and want to keep your calendar free. Every time they try and ask , keep putting it off.

My MIL is always making friends with couples on holiday then going to stay with them. She never , ever reciprocates and the always happen to live somewhere that’s nice to visit! Flippin cheek!

You just need to be firm and brief. When they text you say that you can’t plan ahead yet. If they ask again you just say - sorry we just aren’t going to be able to host this year. They will soon get the message. If not you just keep saying it’s not convenient. We had family members who did something similar. I just said it’s lovely seeing you but it’s just not possible for you to stay here anymore so here’s a local hotel that might suit.

I had family do this often so I suggested my son (autisitc) could not cope with people in the house the whole time - which is true and we could still meet up a few days if they stayed in a hotel. They tried suggesting different dates as if that would change things but finally got the message
110% freeloaders.

When they message asking when they can come yo stay, just respond with " we are having a break thus year and not having any visitors to stay."
You don't have to give them a reason, you don't have to say yes