Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

She might and she is near enough to deliver her dinner, meals on wheels style.

You are not responsible for your mother in law's happiness.

Even if you dont go the whole hog you need to make a change and put up a boundary and put your family first. And do SOMETHING different so you are not resentful.

I think a day watching tv alone with family either side is not elder abuse. But even so. I think christmas eve night having fun as a nuclear family. The morning and afternoon and having MIL over 430 for sandwiches and evening is a compromise for this year. And it sets a tone that things are on the change.

To be fair, my mil is a vindictive mean woman. If she had nowhere else to go I'd sooner throw a stale bread roll at her (and hopefully be on target) than have her in my home. Ever. Thankfully she told dh many many years ago that she'd never liked me so that's that. Some people are so toxic that if we've tried hard for many many years, we've done our bit.

I truly do despair at the reading comprehension of some people. No one is allowing their children any kind of power - OP doesn't want her extended family there and her husband asked their kids what they would prefer. Her children's preferenced align with her own. This is not the same as if her children had approached her and said they wanted granny to rot on her own on Christmas day for their enjoyment.

It's also a little selfish to allow yourself to be hosted year after year by a young family and never insist on reciprocating, or even just leaving them to it every few years. If OP has been hosting every year for 15 years, her oldest child is 16 and she has two younger kids, all the grandparents in this family have allowed OP to host when she had a one year old baby, and then in later years when she had a child and an under one year old baby. If it's only older people who are allowed to be selfish, then OP is surely approaching her time in life to think about herself.

All those people on here saying don’t invite MIL, but look into the future when you are 78 years of age, and have lost your life partner, but you have 2 children and grandchildren, but still you are alone on Xmas Day as everyone has made their own plans. Fair play to you OP for stepping up every Xmas, and shame on DH’s sibling, sounds an awfully selfish person :( I’m sure there’s a compromise to be had, to include MIL at some point, maybe just for lunch in the afternoon, and drop her home early eve, then you have all morning and evening on your own as a family of 5?

I definitely wouldn’t leave his mum out. I can’t believe anyone thinks this is ok🥲

I used to fantasise about a small family Xmas until Covid and, well, it was the most miserable Xmas I've ever had.

I really feel like it's a time for family. I'd hate to not see my Mum & Nan on Xmas day and I'm sure DH would feel the same if his Mum was home on her own.

Luckily, DS loves a big family day, but if he didn't I'd be tempted start a new family tradition for just the 3 of us - maybe making a big deal of Xmas Eve or Boxing Day and doing something special.

This is what stands out to me, why would her being there take away time from your kids? What are you doing that is so different to what you would normally be doing? and if it is the case, then why are you doing that and causing your kids to feel it?

I can't speak for the OP, but for us it's pretty much everything! When we are on our own, we lounge around in PJs for most of the morning, have spaghetti bolognese for lunch as its the kids' favourite and adults aren't fussed about a roast so have a range of party snacks in lieu of a proper sit down meal, we let the kids watch TV or play video games.

My parents would be miserable with this Christmas, so hosting them means providing tea and coffee every hour or so, a 'proper lunch' before 1pm (or there are collywobbles) which takes ages because we never do them normally, a proper Christmas pudding, and it's a more 'organised fun' and generally much more formal affair!

Plus the run up to Christmas is all house tidying, making sure we have the endless list of things that you need to be good hosts (we don't drink or eat meat, so lots of additional shopping), plus clearing bedrooms, washing bedding, and generally being 1000% more stressed.

I can't really offer to host in the way we would choose to spend our day when on our own - it's sort of anti hosting by it's very nature, so there isn't really a workable compromise.

I sympathise OP and I don't see why you should be expected to feel worse about leaving MIL on her own than her own children do.

I don’t see it as nasty. It’s just spending time together as a nuclear family. I’ve done the hosting thing and had occasional years off as it’s draining. I also think kids do have a say as they are part of the family and not just there to be dictated to.

OP when we hosted the grandparents every year we ate Christmas dinner mid afternoon.
They arrived about 1.30 which gave time for exchanging presents over a drink before dinner.

My in-laws left by 7pm and we'd take my dad home then.
That way we had the whole morning to ourselves and kids could do what they wanted. And we didn't need to provide further food for people in the evening.

Would something like that work? You could tell MIL you're going out in the morning so come early afternoon. And then could you take her home early evening?

At last!
Someone I totally agree with on this issue and Christmas generally.

As a family we always hosted. Not just for Christmas Day but my parents (who only live 5 miles away) would stay from Christmas Eve for a week!! Neither set of parents helped at all, preferring to be waited on and complain.
OHs parents died while the kids were still young so left with just mine. As the kids were growing we wanted to do our own thing. Perhaps Not be running around tidying, shopping, cooking, etc etc. Perhaps enjoy the day.
My OH and I would talk about going away for it, just the four of us. Each time we mentioned the fact we were bombarded with emotional blackmail. My mother would regularly say “how could you abandon us on what could be our last Christmas” so we never did it.
A few years ago the worst thing happened. My OH died suddenly. My parents were horrendous.
The kids and I decided that we would do our own thing. We went away. Just the three of us. Only in the UK but it was wonderful. We ate/did/watched what we wanted. It was brilliant and just what we needed.
So not being horrible but enjoy your family. Enjoy your kids. Make memories. You are not responsible for other people especially when they have others who can step up for once.

There’s no indication she hasn’t been invited. As someone has already pointed out the GP often take the invitation with the grandchildren in preference and then you can’t really complain can you?

Yes, I think this would be a good balance.

Yabu surely you spend everyday just the 5 of you can't you give her this one day

When I was a kid I liked/loved my GPs but they weren’t fun. They watched racing or boxing and the football results, and made adult conversations with my parents. We spent weekends at theirs (or just a Sunday) and it was ok, but I much preferred the weekends we weren’t with them. Christmas would have been even worse! Much more relaxed with just the immediate family (when I was older we had my GM every Christmas because she moved near us when she was widowed, and also then her sister, and they were fine, but again it meant best behaviour so as not to upset my great aunt…). If my sister and I had been asked we would have voted to have GPs on Boxing Day rather than Christmas itself. No malice there, it’s just more relaxed. Especially if you live in a small house with only two downstairs rooms. It can all feel claustrophobic- and if they’re staying over then someone has to give up a bedroom… nightmare!!

Just a warning - I did this exact thing, well left my parents ‘on their own’ on Christmas Day as my DH and kids didn’t want them.

My dad properly sulked for 18months, basically until I said they could come ours this Christmas.

can’t believe the other sibling hasn’t taken a turn !

I’d say hold you ground and see if granny can find something else to do…… good luck !

Well she hasn’t this year has she as SIL has no intention of changing her plans. If SIL has been the also ran for 15 years you’d think she’d be delighted to host. In reality it’s probably worked out very well for her all these years.

you'll have plenty more Christmases with your lovely children
but they won’t be children then, they will be adults. Christmas (if you’re not at church) is for children, not old people hogging the tv remote.

I used to fantasise about a small family Xmas until Covid and, well, it was the most miserable Xmas I've ever had.
same, except ours was fantastic. No rigid timetable and Christmas dinner at 1pm far too soon after breakfast. We lounged around in pjs, ate chocolate, had a late cooked breakfast, played games, watched a film, had dinner at a normal time… when DS got Covid the following Christmas we did the same again, and the DC still talk about how they were the best Christmases they’ve had.

@NoPaintedPony that’s so sad, I’m so sorry. We had the conversation about going away and got hysterical emotional blackmail too. 10 years later they’re all still here…

I would be incredibly disappointed if my DH chose to leave his mother alone on Christmas day for no real reason. I'd wonder what kind of person I married.

I would also be devastated if my son did that to me.

You know how this will pan out if you don’t have your MIL visit on Christmas Day - your kids will find out that she’s on her own and be upset because you didn’t explain that to them and worry about her being in her own. Your DH will be moping around feeling sorry for his Mum. The day will be miserable with you trying to force a jollyiness,

When you gave your children the choice, you should have explained the full story.

My husband and his adult DD who lives with us (learning needs) cocooned from Christmas in 2020 and 2021 (in our forever house that we'd bought in June).

It. Was. Amazing.

It completely changed our Christmas. Just us. As much food, drink and telly as we want or being in our own space if not. We do family lunch the weekend before Christmas then snuggle down till Nee Year's Day. Just us. And we do traditions from DH's family, mine and DSD from her mother who is no longer around. It's perfect.

DH even has a spreadsheet user he adds to every year to keep perfecting it.

We had my DM last year and we would have had her this year, but it's been really awful for me and we just want to snuggle in again. My DM really enjoyed having no obligations to do anything except join in with presents and food. Otherwise she read and watched her iPad.

If you wanted to mix things up you needed to do this much sooner. After 15 years of hosting it’s too late to start now and your relatives are too old. This is just how your family Christmas is and you made it this way. Everyone would be so upset to be uninvited after all these years.

I have a Christmas dilemma this year too @openjoy - since my mum moved to be near my sister 4 years ago (still an hour from me) my sister has not hosted her on Christmas Day. I can't have her at my house - we have 4 dogs and she's scared of dogs. So our Christmas dinner has been provided by restaurants for 4 years and Im sick of it.
This year. my DD is away, my BIL is on call, so I asked her if my DSister would host her. So far no response. I also plan B suggested we cook at my mums but she hasn't yet agreed it. So I feel for you. It's one bloody day but it's so stressful trying to be there for everyone.

I would suggest you have your family Christmas Dinner and invite your MIL/parents over on Christmas Day night - if they can stay over, invite them to stay over. The three of them can have a turkey dinner together whilst you and your DCs have nibbles. You'll all still be together, but there will be less need for hosting. Would that work as a compromise?

My mother died this year. I would love to spend Christmas Day with her.