Kids choice or Grandparents choice - Christmas Day

[openjoy]

Please tell me the right thing to do here.

We have hosted Christmas every year for the past 15 years to include my parents and DH mum (no dad or partner). We both have siblings with partners but no children, that choose to spend their Christmas on their own. Non negotiable to them. This has always been ok, we have 3 children so we host the grandparents and everyone is happy.

Our Christmas Day often revolves around our guests. My DH and I often feel hosting over takes our family time. I suggested to DH that this year, we don’t host. We let everyone know that for the first time in 15 years, we’d just like to be our family of 5. He suggested we ask the children what they would like to do and they said they’d like us to just be our family of 5. I actually don’t think he expected them to say that and he is regretting it.

His sibling has stayed firm in their Christmas choices and is refusing to have their mother at Christmas. DH now understandably is feeling bad for the mother at Christmas. MIL is a lovely, kind person but she does require hosting and she can be difficult. She does take up our time from our children and they feel it. There’s no malice, they love her and we could do something another day with her like Boxing Day.

For context she is 78 and our eldest child is 16. So it’s awful to think of her on her own but it’s also awful for this to possibly be one of the last childhood Christmas’s I have with my eldest and the one and only one where it’s just us together - at their choice. And if I have one grandparent I have to have the others and am back where I am now.

What do I do?!

Am I being unreasonable to stick with just us 5 on Christmas Day??

Whatever happened to wanting your kids to be happy? Nope they must obligated to invite you for the next 30 years no matter how shit you behave on the hallowed day of Christmas. They must suffer a joyless Christmas with a grumpy granny because that's what you did. Don't you want better for your kids? Why is it many relatives cope just fine alone other days of the year but culture dictates 25th December thou shalt suffer miserable family for an entire day? The absolute bullshit Christmas has become. Honestly Christmas should just be for the little kids who believe in Santa and that's it. Franky it's become a joke anyway, an exercise in consumerism and over eating. It's only November and I already feel done with Christmas, back in October it was Halloween one side and Christmas the other in the supermarkets?! OP you should do what your kids want as it's their day too! No wonder they don't want her there if she ignores them whilst you both run around her trying to please her, how awkward must they feel?! DP can break it to her, it was his idea to ask the kids. She can always ask the siblings who have not hosted for the past 15 years as you've been the mug to host her, after all they are her actual children.... Perhaps they know better...

Yes, I agree with the above post. We are in our early 70s. This year we are going to see one of our children, their spouse and our grandchildren. I did tell them that we perfectly understood if they wanted to be in their own. Even if I was on my own, I would feel like this. Christmas is about children and I want my grandchildren to have the Christmas they want. We could see them another day. As our grandchildren are young I think our help looking after them is appreciated. If we offer to help in the kitchen they just say to keep playing with the children. If my children want me to help they ask. I think if you do end up hosting your MIL you should put your foot down about the TV. She might decide not to come.

If the family have a " shitty boring Christmas" it's their own fault. It's taking place at their house. They are in control of the food, the entertainment and everything about the day. They have their grandmother there who apparently they are fond of. What is so" shitty" about that?

I don't know, it’s not unreasonable but it might cause a sense of being a burden, loneliness, upset so perhaps just go with Christmas being about giving …

I think your Dh is going to kick up a fuss. You’ve set the expectations for 15 years and now you’re going to change yet your dsil/dbil won’t step up? Pretty shit of them.

OP you’ve hosted someone who runs your Christmas Day timings for 15 years. To be blunt, just because no one else wants a day of it does not mean you have to carry on having your own Christmas Day compromised. How sad that you and your DC have never had Christmas Day on your own terms. Stick to your DC decision or you’re telling them their wishes don’t matter.

@madamovaries true but if you want to go down that route any of us could drop dead suddenly. What if this is ops last Xmas with her dc (sorry op) I lost a parent unexpectedly in late November.

Someone else age 50 died suddenly and unexpectedly.
Yet dear granny who is absolutely lovely and we adore her is 99???

I think it's time the other siblings took a turn hosting the parents.

This is exactly what I was thinking.
11.00 for visitors is far too early.

My mum was Christmas host for decades, 5 oldies, when it was time to pass on the hosting, she made visiting time 2:30-3:00., to give us time to enjoy Christmas morning and get sorted. Except DH missed that bit and invited his folks round for coffee at 12.00 before they went to his brothers. Did it once never again. Far too much of a rush to have people at that time. For the record I can't be arsed with video calls on Christmas morning either, I find them very intrusive.

Op I'd certainly switch Christmas up, but I honestly couldn't leave, relatives on their own on Christmas Day, especially if they weren't the sort to leave their own parents alone on Christmas Day.

I agree with everything @WimpoleHat said,

You sound like a good sort OP, and your SIL/BIL sound abysmally selfish and need to do their bit. But in the absence of that, your kids honest wishes are missing the context of what that preference means for Granny. I highly doubt they’d want her on her own, however awkward she might be to accommodate. So flex the day best you can to give your kids the time with you that they clearly want while not leaving your MIL totally in the lurch. It’ll all be fine in the end!

Being curious what did you do in 2020?

Scotland the law was no mixing. But that might have been SNP flag waving we're doing it better.
I do recall looking up BoJos family background to guess what he would do.

To be fair your grandparent version of Christmas sounds like torture 🤣 I don't blame your DC. Rationing presents to that extent is the worst.
In this from someone who does like a few set traditions and structure for Christmas.

We just had her and not my parents. She joined our bubble or whatever it was called .. or we could have groups of 6 and she made the 6th .. something like that.

Thank you :-)

I was the child that had to suffer years of rubbish Christmas’ because of relatives coming for Christmas. These Christmas Day relatives all needed to be “looked after” as guests and it ruined every Christmas throughout my childhood and teenage years for my sibling and I.

They made comments about what I was wearing (if I was in my pyjamas as a teen on Christmas today it was a big no no), moaned if I didn’t rise early, and I watched my poor mother slave away from morning till night feeding them (always had to be a big cooked breakfast, big Christmas lunch, cheese course, pudding..) I was uncomfortable in my own home and grew to hate Christmas.

The first Christmas we had when it was just us kids (by this point as adults) and Mum (post divorce!) was bliss. Croissants for breakfast, we could wear what we wanted, get out of bed when we wanted and it was stress free and fun.

If your children have been given the option and have said they want it to be just the 5 of you, you should listen to them and think about why they said that.

We have a house rule - no TV on Christmas Day. In this day and age with recorders and iplayers it's not as if you miss something for ever if you don't watch at the actual time of broadcast. We have games & quizzes after a late lunch.

So how about this - plan the day without TV, ask the kids to plan games / quizzes / activities they would like to play /do, let Granny know there's a new plan, and there'll be no TV after lunch as in years gone by as you all fancy a change. So if she wants to stay - she knows the score, likewise if she wants to watch TV she can go home early.

I think this is absolutely appalling. Not having elderly parents because you want ‘just you’ family time. And allowing your children that power is a dreadful lesson to teach them. How utterly selfish

This.

My FIL and DM have to muck in.

They come to see the children, but they certainly wouldn’t dictate things if they didn’t.

We always had mum/dad then later dad/lovely 2nd wife over at Christmas mainly because we couldn't stand the thought of them being alone. Same with kids' birthdays when they were older - just a meal then one of us would drive them home when they got older. Dd4's 18th - dad was there and it did change the tone a bit, but 6 weeks later he died. Loved his grandchildren so much.

I do absolutely get what you're saying op. But from experience (mine are 30, 28, 27 and 20) you'll have plenty more Christmases with your lovely children. Time to get the siblings on it or inform older generation of a plan much earlier next year.

Just us and youngest this year (and her bf as his family are doing family Christmas a different day). DH mentioned a single friend asked what we were doing. I said this to dd - she'd rather it was just us but said she hates the thought of anyone being on their own for Christmas. It's just a day but a very lonely day if you're on your own.

Have you read how the MIL gets the day to pivot round her.

Not everyone is a lovely little old lady once they hit their 70’s

Ha, makes sense I forgot about the single person bubble. My mum was in my Sisters bubble, and DS followed the guidelines to the letter.

Sounds to me that MIL is the one being selfish. Doesn’t interact with her DGCs, has to have food/drinks brought to her, dominates the TV - you wouldn’t accept that any other day of the year, why is Xmas different? I think stand by your guns OP and have MIL over on Boxing Day instead. If you have her over now then your children will end up resenting her more.

As a side note - surely it’s not on you OP to manage your MIL or deliver an alternative solution, but on your DH?

Just to throw another option into the mix-MIL might actually be quite happy to stay at home for more of the day and have peace to watch TV and eat chocolate? She might think you would be devastated if she ‘lets you down’ (I did home care for quite a few years so worked on Xmas day, and a significant number of people liked to be at home, near the loo, eating what they choose and watching what they like with no noise or interruptions!)
reframe it as ‘we are doing Xmas differently, the DC want us all to watch film X on Christmas night and I know you want to watch Call the Midwife, so DH will take you home in good time’-not ‘we don’t want you MIL!’

"With regards to hosting, it’s a whole day thing with us getting her drinks, food, she has a set tv routine of what she wants to watch so that is on most of the day, she doesn’t really interact with the children to be honest, more talks to us, usually about what she’s watching. Not a grandma that would take part in a board game with them etc."

Just a thought, but - would your MIL actually prefer to be in her own home anyway?

I think its about time your husband had a proper chat with his sibling/s. Tell them they have been very selfish by assuming you will do it and now that you want a year off, they have a responsibility to step up.

Dont be kind, be honest and truthful.