New partner wants to have Christmas lunch with Mum instead of me and my family

[Emsy999]

Can someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable here please?

I've been with my new partner for almost two years now and up until 4 months ago we were doing long distance. Myself and my children have since relocated to her town where she lives with her two children (she shares joint custody 50/50 with her ex).

My family also live in the same town and we've been talking about Christmas Day and what we'll do. My partner said a few weeks back that her Mum and her partner were going to go out for lunch this year and that she'd be with me and my family for Christmas Day. My partners ex is due to have her two children Christmas morning and she's worried she'll be depressed around me and my children because she isn't with hers. She's told me this afternoon that her Mum has now changed her mind and that she will be cooking lunch and that she's invited my partner to spend it with them. My partner said that she hasn't made up her mind yet but she doesn't know how many more she'll get with her Mum (she's 62).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should be wanting to spend our first ever Christmas together after all we've been through long distance and now finally together or should I be being more understanding in her wanting to be with her Mum instead of me and my children? She's commentated a few times how she struggles to be her happy self around my children when she's away from hers and I just feel like she's resenting me for being able to be with my children more. She's assured me this isn't the case but this latest Christmas thing is just more proof.

I've suggested her Mum and partner come here with all of us for Christmas lunch but she said her Mum is a bit of a control freak, doesn't like new people and wants to cook lunch herself. My family are all very welcoming and would invite the next door neighbour to Christmas lunch if they were on their own but I realise not everyone is like that.

I'm really not sure whether I'm in the wrong for feeling slightly put out by this today or not.

Any advice please? Thank you!

Yeah that would piss me off.

I would 100% have expected to be included in your shoes.

If she already knows she can’t be happy around your children on Christmas Day then let her go to her mum’s - no need to ruin your children’s day 🎄

Her mum's 62 and she "doesn't know how many more Christmases" she'll get with her?

Jeez, the woman could live another 30+ years!

Me too. I would expect her to want a plan that included you (plus of course your kids if they're with you) and her mum together. And at 62 it's hardly an 'every year could be the last' situation, even if there are no guarantees in life.

Is her mum not willing to invite you to hers? Are you the 'new people'? Nah, your partner should be saying how important it is to her that you are made welcome.

Yanbu. I’d be really disappointed if my partner felt this way. Of course it is sad that she is separated from her kids, but if she wants to blend families she is sure going about it a funny way. It would be better if she made an huge effort to get over her disappointment and enjoy the day with you and your kids rather than mope at her mums. And then you can have a big family celebration together with her kids at New Year for example.

I think you need to listen to what she's saying about her feelings around being with other children for a big occasion when she's not with her own.

It's a very valid feeling. Many separated parents find their Christmas without their children very difficult.

On the few occasions my ex had our girls I absolutely would not have been able to spend Christmas morning watching other children opening gifts when I just wanted to be with my kids.

Neither of you are wrong as such. But you do have to work out if her feelings (which depending on the ages of her children could be an every-other-year thing for a number of years) are a deal breaker for you.

I think you both spending the day with your own sides of the family makes most sense. You can spend time together another day

She's been clear and honest, she will struggle to be around your kids when she's really missing her own.

Do you want her to be with you, feeling sad, or take herself to her mums and leave you to enjoy the day with your kids?

She's being ridiculous. She could easily have another 30 Christmases with her mum! 100% she should spend it with you and your kids.

I wouldn't want to be around others children if away from my own. She has told you this, listen.

It's one day, you have your children with you.

lol! This was my thought too!

but to be fair to everyone, Xmas with blended families is always going to be tough- there’s no etiquette to fall back on. People will have different expectations. Add in a couple of difficult relatives and you’ve got no chance of an easy going Xmas

62! Not even reached retirement age, or three score and ten!

I think this is one if those ‘listens- she’s telling you who he is ‘ moments. She could have said that her plans were already made, plus you’ve compromised and invited the mum to yours. It’s not even that far off Christmas either. Also, you’ve been together for to years, and the mum hasn’t invited you, which would have been another option. At what point would you be invited.

Agree with this

'Should' is a terrible word

Are you a woman OP?
I ask because obviously you both have had children and maybe her mother isn't so accepting?

I just feel like she's resenting me for being able to be with my children more

This would worry me more than the Christmas thing tbh. It doesn't sound as if she is as ready to commit to relationship as you are. This doesn't mean she's done anything wrong, but you need to take this into account.

Sort out the best Christmas Day for you and your DCs and take it from there.

You’ve only been together a couple of years, and that was long distance so you won’t have spent all that much time together so it’s really more like a one year relationship at most. You don’t live together. You both have children and parents still alive. You’re not a blended family. You’re just dating.

Why does she have to spend Xmas with you? Leave her to spend it with her mum if that’s what she wants. You’ve got your kids. It’s not all about you.

There is nothing in this world that would move me to spend Christmas with someone else's children, when mine are not with me. Nothing. I would rather break up with someone I loved than endure that.

She's told you that it would upset her. Why aren't you listening?

Let’s stop focussing on the mum not being around comment because that’s clearly a side issue

Her feelings are valid. Not being with your own kids on Christmas Day must be huge. I think you’re being unreasonable personally. Enjoy your day with your kids. She can see you the next day.

Totally understandable. Spending the day with someone else’s children when you aren’t
with your own doesn’t sound like fun. Your partner is probably just wanting to get through the day and should do that with whoever they choose.

Christmas is a toughie. I think it's perfectly valid for your partner to feel how she does. You have 364 days of the year to be with each other.

Huge assumption here….but do you have your children every other Christmas too? If so, isn’t this going to rear its head each year? What happens next year when she has her children and you don’t have yours? Would you spend it with your family because it makes you feel sad if she has hers? I think it needs to be nipped in the bud with an honest discussion early really.

if however you always have yours id probably let it slide this year. You’ll all be together for the next one.

It's one day, maybe even one meal.

She struggles to be around you and your children when she doesn't have hers but she has 50/50 with her ex. Doesn't sound like this relationship is going to last.

Thank you all for your comments... all very different!

I'm not sure about me having my children next year as my ex husband's job dictates when he sees ours. Hers will always be alternate Christmases with her ex. If next year I didn't have mine there wouldn't be anywhere I'd rather be than with my partner and her children. We are in the process of talking about moving in together but I don't know if this is going to be an issue going forward.

We are both female but that's not the issue with her Mum. She's very used to my partner being with women and says she really likes me and we're good together.