New partner wants to have Christmas lunch with Mum instead of me and my family

[Emsy999]

Can someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable here please?

I've been with my new partner for almost two years now and up until 4 months ago we were doing long distance. Myself and my children have since relocated to her town where she lives with her two children (she shares joint custody 50/50 with her ex).

My family also live in the same town and we've been talking about Christmas Day and what we'll do. My partner said a few weeks back that her Mum and her partner were going to go out for lunch this year and that she'd be with me and my family for Christmas Day. My partners ex is due to have her two children Christmas morning and she's worried she'll be depressed around me and my children because she isn't with hers. She's told me this afternoon that her Mum has now changed her mind and that she will be cooking lunch and that she's invited my partner to spend it with them. My partner said that she hasn't made up her mind yet but she doesn't know how many more she'll get with her Mum (she's 62).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should be wanting to spend our first ever Christmas together after all we've been through long distance and now finally together or should I be being more understanding in her wanting to be with her Mum instead of me and my children? She's commentated a few times how she struggles to be her happy self around my children when she's away from hers and I just feel like she's resenting me for being able to be with my children more. She's assured me this isn't the case but this latest Christmas thing is just more proof.

I've suggested her Mum and partner come here with all of us for Christmas lunch but she said her Mum is a bit of a control freak, doesn't like new people and wants to cook lunch herself. My family are all very welcoming and would invite the next door neighbour to Christmas lunch if they were on their own but I realise not everyone is like that.

I'm really not sure whether I'm in the wrong for feeling slightly put out by this today or not.

Any advice please? Thank you!

I would absolutely hate to be away from my kids at xmas

Let this one go

I think she's trying to gently find a solution that works for you all. She feels like she will be sad with you and rather than having a face like a wet weekend is trying to find an excuse . I think that's ok.

I'm sorry you are disappointed but I think it's more about missing her children than not liking you enough. Next year when you are even more established as regular and consistent people in both sets of DC 'lives you might find she feels differently.

62 may not seem old. My dads last Christmas he was 63 - I didnt know it was his last because we didn't know he was ill. Less than 2 months later he wasn't here. If your partner wants to be with her mum then what harm can it do?
Surely you can find some compromise.

is this how its going to be every other year? she too upset about her kis so fuks off?

I actually don't think this is odd at all. You don't live together and up until recently you had a long distance relationship so you have never functioned as one family unit. I think if you do move in together and form step mum relationships with each others children it might be easier going forward when only some of the kids are with you as the person whose kids are not there will still feel like they are a part of a unit, but you haven't got to that stage yet. Give it time and let her spend her Christmas how she wants it, it's not necessarily how it will be forever after, it's an adjustment period.

@Emsy999 bloody hell im 62- really hope my son thinks a bit more positively - honestly I would just go with the flow.

I had my DD for every second Christmas for a few years, and I postponed Christmas till she was back, as I just didn't want to celebrate without her. Friends and family did offer for me to go to theirs, but I didn't want to be with other kids, even my nieces, when I couldn't be with my daughter. Didn't mean i didn't love my nieces, but i loved my daughter more and i missed her.

I think you need to try to be a bit more understanding of where your girlfriend is coming from. She's not rejecting you or your children. You don't live together, she's not a step-mother to your kids, you're not a family unit yet - your kids may not be comfortable with her being there for Christmas.

Yes, because watching others have what you lose every second year is beyond painful. So plenty of parents in that position avoid children and Xmas until they have their own

Have you heard of empathy or emotional intelligence?

FFS I'm around the same age as your partner's mum - unless there's some health issues there, she's likely to be around for the next 20 years
(I looked here: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancycalculator/2019-06-07 and it said the average life expectancy for a woman born 62 years ago is 87)

So bit of a drip feed that you don't even live together yet.

Let her spend Christmas at her mum's without whinging about it. Maybe once you live together she will feel more like a blended family and it won't be an issue in future years.

If she thinks she'll be sad then she could ruin your DCs Christmas.
Have a relaxing and fun Christmas with your family without her. If in the longer term she is never happy when her DC aren't there, then she's not a great person for you or your DC to live with in the future?

I've been with my partner for eight years and he's always spent Christmas day with his mum rather than my family. It's one day and I'm happy as long as I'm with my children.

Agree with this

Just let her spend it with her mum! I don’t see the problem. Sounds a bit suffocating. She obviously feels sad that she’s not spending it with her own children as she keeps mentioning it. You can’t expect her to feel the same about yours imo

I wonder if she is getting cold feet and will be gone after Christmas? If you cannot support her on a day when you will have your children and she will be apart from hers without feeling resentful how are you going to cope when issues more serious than a roast dinner and presents pop up?

It's fair enough not to be spending Christmas together in a relationship of 2 yrs I think. But her mum is the same age as Jon Bon Jovi and I don't think he's about to keel over of old age.

Sorry but I understand your partners position- I won't see my children on Christmas day, and categorically wouldn't want to spend time with others children on the day, I'd feel so heartbroken

My dad died at 52!

Whilst I do feel sorry for your partner for not being with her children on Christmas morning, I still think she’s being unreasonable.

1. she has committed to a relationship with you and presumably loves you. If it’s a serious relationship, why would she not want to be with you?

2. she knows that she is a divorced parent, coparenting with her ex. She willingly entered a relationship with a man who has children. It is inevitable that you’ll have your children at times when she doesn’t have hers. If she isn’t ready for this, she should either take a relationship slowly, or wait.

3. your children deserve better than to be the cause of someone’s upset, without actually having done anything wrong at all.

if I were you, I’d think carefully if your partner is quite ready for the relationship with you, as you have it. Your kids deserve better, you deserve better.

This. You could do the big cooked dinner thing together on Boxing day.

As ayear old I'm mildly horrified unless there is something we don't know about partner's mum's health. Here's me thinking the same about my 90+ Mum. Apparently I should be worrying about myself.

As many people say, Christmas isn't just one day. It needn't be a drama, just come to some compromise where you see each other, see your children, see your families and maybe all get together over the Christmas period.

Maybe make a new tradition for a day when you both have your children.

You have only been together 2 years and it’s the first Xmas she will be without her kids but be with yours. Shes bound to be upset, I wouldn’t want to see someone else kids all excited when I can’t see my own. Have some empathy.

"Myself and my children have since relocated to her town where she lives with her two children (she shares joint custody 50/50 with her ex)."

"She's commentated a few times how she struggles to be her happy self around my children when she's away from hers and I just feel like she's resenting me for being able to be with my children more."

YABVVVVVU to have uprooted your children for this woman. I presume you've moved them further away from their father, moved their schools, moved them away from friends... all for what? Not even to move in with your "partner" (she's not a partner, she's a girlfriend) - just to live near her, and to endure her "struggling to be her happy self around your children" 🙄

This relationship is not going anywhere. Your girlfriend is not as devoted or committed to you, and becoming a family with you and your kids, as you want to think she is.

That mumsnet classic: when someone tells you who they are, listen.

Of course it’s not irrelevant. We understand why she might be feeling upset but she needs to pull herself together a bit. She’s also used the excuse that her 62 year old mum might not have many xmases left. She’s either making excuses or is totally pathetic and self centred.

I certainly wouldn’t be blending families just yet unless you’re prepared to pussy foot around her. Say fine. We won’t do Xmas as a couple and spend it with your family. And I’d tell her how it’s made you feel!