New partner wants to have Christmas lunch with Mum instead of me and my family

[Emsy999]

Can someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable here please?

I've been with my new partner for almost two years now and up until 4 months ago we were doing long distance. Myself and my children have since relocated to her town where she lives with her two children (she shares joint custody 50/50 with her ex).

My family also live in the same town and we've been talking about Christmas Day and what we'll do. My partner said a few weeks back that her Mum and her partner were going to go out for lunch this year and that she'd be with me and my family for Christmas Day. My partners ex is due to have her two children Christmas morning and she's worried she'll be depressed around me and my children because she isn't with hers. She's told me this afternoon that her Mum has now changed her mind and that she will be cooking lunch and that she's invited my partner to spend it with them. My partner said that she hasn't made up her mind yet but she doesn't know how many more she'll get with her Mum (she's 62).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should be wanting to spend our first ever Christmas together after all we've been through long distance and now finally together or should I be being more understanding in her wanting to be with her Mum instead of me and my children? She's commentated a few times how she struggles to be her happy self around my children when she's away from hers and I just feel like she's resenting me for being able to be with my children more. She's assured me this isn't the case but this latest Christmas thing is just more proof.

I've suggested her Mum and partner come here with all of us for Christmas lunch but she said her Mum is a bit of a control freak, doesn't like new people and wants to cook lunch herself. My family are all very welcoming and would invite the next door neighbour to Christmas lunch if they were on their own but I realise not everyone is like that.

I'm really not sure whether I'm in the wrong for feeling slightly put out by this today or not.

Any advice please? Thank you!

Someone else's children? I'm the person she claims to be her forever person...

The mother here is two years older than me, ffs. Unless she has a terminal illness or a grave life-limiting condition, your partner is being ridiculous.

You have every right to be pissed off.

I only spend Christmas Day with my husband for the first time 2 years ago when we had a baby! Before that for years we separated as we both wanted to be with our parents each year!
i see him all the rest of the year so what’s the big deal

i think fair enough she doesn’t want to be with your children if she’s not getting to see her own

Yes, both things can be true. You can be her forever person, but your children are not her children. Have you had to spend Christmas day without your children so far? I found it completely unbearable when mine were young (they're adults with their own families now) - I know it's not rational, but it's how I felt.

I don't think she's being unreasonable at all. You dont live together or have joint DC. She wants to see her Mum, you want to see your family, what's wrong with that? Christmas Day is one day, surely you'll have plenty of other days together?

My partner and I are in a similar situation. She's hosting her family, I'm seeing mine. It hadn't even occurred to me that this would be an issue for some people.

Good post.

Totally this.

On another note........ why are people putting so much pressure on Christmas?

Plus all of it doesn't need to happen on a single day. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are part of Christmas too. Not to mention the days leading up to NYE - most people get the week off, so why not spread the love?

And?? They aren't her children

But if we're going to blend our family and move in together how is she ever going to be okay with me having my children? (because they aren't hers). I get that they aren't her children, like hers aren't mine. But I wouldn't choose to avoid her on Christmas Day if she had hers and I didn't have mine. She would be the person I'd want to be with to help me get through it... but then I suppose that's where we're different.

You've relocated with your children and she's not that into you. Bloody hell. I feel sorry for you.

Yes that's where you're different. She's decided it would be difficult for her to be "being a family" with your kids and not her own on Christmas day. As a stepmum I advise you allow the dynamics to be fluid. You are three units all at the same time - you and your kids, her and her kids, and all of you together.

Exactly. My friends who have to do alternate Christmases just work 12 hour days on the year it isn’t their ‘turn’. Said they’d rather just be at work when their children aren’t there. Makes sense to do what you need to do.

That’s irrelevant. Your children are not hers. She’s upset at the prospect of being around your children on Christmas Day because she finds it tough being away from hers.

I know couples who spend Christmas separately every year and it works for them. Sometimes just the day but in one case they both travel to their home towns.

They don't have joint children so it works well. I can understand with joint children another arrangement would be better but that's not the case here. I really don't think this needs to be a big deal or a reflection on the state of the relationship.

"she doesn't know how many more she'll get with her Mum (she's 62)."

ROFLOL: I'm 62 and I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get with my Mum who is 90.
I'd be mightily pissed off if one of my kids said that about spending Christmas with me!

Absolutely this!

So every time you've got your children and she hasn't she's going to feel resentful?

Have you both thought this through?

This is a real thing tha parents go through yes. My DP can’t help feeling sad if my kids are here and his can’t be at Christmas. It’s got easier as the child has got older, but when they were young and it was a new set-up it really stung.

I'd just leave it for this year. Her feelings sound perfectly valid and a mixed family Will always throw up these minor complications. No point trying to make everything fit perfectly. Could you say that's fine, she's very welcome for a couple of hours in the morning or evening if she likes? I know you've made the effort to relocate but she'll still miss her kids on the day. Maybe next year will be more settled. I wouldn't make a big deal of this one.

I think the relationship is possibly doomed. Christmas throws a lot of things into sharp relief and intensifies feelings - but what about the rest of the year? If you have your DCs with you most of the time, what's she going to be like at those times when she doesn't have hers?

Also, you say her ex is due to have the children on Christmas morning. Nothing about the rest of the day. If it really is only the morning why can't she come to you when they come to her? You can do presents with your DC in the morning (as presumably hers are doing the same at their Dad's) then you have the rest of the day together.

I don't know whether it's a case of her not being that into you, but it certainly sounds like she's not ready for a relationship with a woman who has her DCs regularly.

Honestly? A loving partner would not be trying to make her feel guilty about this.

Give yourself a shake and plan something lovely for when she gets back from her mum’s.

She's commentated a few times how she struggles to be her happy self around my children when she's away from hers and I just feel like she's resenting me for being able to be with my children more. She's assured me this isn't the case but this latest Christmas thing is just more proof

You've got bigger issues than just this Christmas. This doesn't sound good OP.

Please don't have such a blasé attitude. I'd have said the same once.

My mums 62nd Christmas was just days after her first chemo.

5 years later it was her last.

Although I think the OPs partner is BU in a way we actually cannot take a long life for granted.

OP I'd suggest he goes to her mums for breakfast and returns and you and her and all the kids have Xmas dinner together and you wait to do presents until you're all together. You can do stockings with your kids in the morning.

Exactly, she isn't you. It is isn't unusual for parents without their children to not want to be around others.

You don't sound very empathetic at all.

Easy to say it’s just a meal but it could be a clear example of how your partner isn’t a partner at all. She’s considering herself as an individual rather than you as a unit & family.