So hard having a baby

[InOverMyHead88]

I know I'm unreasonable. Everyone told me having a baby is hard. But dear god, I was not prepared for it. I'm sleep deprived, depressed, bored, and overwhelmed all at the same time. Baby is 12 weeks which I was told is this magical time when baby gets easier. She must be having a growth spurt though because she's suddenly not sleeping and feeding ALL the time. I feel like a dairy cow.

Boss at my old job told a woman who announced her pregnancy that her life is over and she'll never sleep again. I thought he was such a dick (and he was otherwise a really nice guy) for saying that. But I see it now. He was right.

My baby is gorgeous but how do people do this? Maybe I’m not cut out for this. My poor baby.

It doesn't help I have no one other than DH. No family. And friends are all childless and in work, so they just want to meet in the evenings which I can't do. I've met nice mums at mum coffee groups and they're nice but they all have their own lives, don't think I'm making any friends there.

It is hard.

Is your DH doing his bit so you can get as much sleep as possible?

Speak to your HV or GP about the depression, that's normal but there are things to help and best to catch it early if it's PND.

Keep trying with the mum's at coffee groups. Lots and lots of mums feel the same and are looking for a friend.

It does get better. Look at you! You're a proper grown up with a husband and a baby and everything....at one point you were a 12 week old, hanging off your mum's boob making her question her life choices. That's where we all started.

I don’t think anything can really prepare you for having your first baby, so it is a shock to the system for many women. The common overwhelming feeling of being responsible for this tiny bundle of joy is quite something!

It’s the most amazing thing in the world but it’s daunting at the same time as you wonder when you’ll get time to yourself ever again (you will I promise!)

The good news is that it definitely gets easier. There is nothing quite like the exhaustion of having a new baby but as the weeks and months progress, they do sleep longer and that alone really helps.

Many women feel like this OP and it’s definitely harder when you have no family support.

Good luck OP and remember, you’re doing an amazing job!

I have to say, I'm not a "sunshine and roses" sort of parent, and I was having a miserable conversation with DH this morning about how in hindsight I ought to have stayed childless (there's context, it's irrelevant).

But - you're still recovering physically from the birth, you're sleep deprived, I'd wager your nipples hurt, expected to navigate a whole new social scene with "mums", coffee mornings etc, mourning the loss of your working identity, all while singing Wind the Bobbin Up and being woken at 2h intervals. It's a lot. Things will settle down.

I would say, try to tentatively reach for things that you would enjoy, since the baby doesn't know whether it's Tuesday or Thanksgiving. Put baby in a sling and go for a walk with a podcast on headphones, get a coffee and wander round a gallery... whatever is most "you" that you can do now, do. If that's resting at home with the baby on your lap and a boxset on tv, that's good too. It's all ok. Things will settle.

Yeah DH does loads, including getting up at night to do nappy changes, soothing etc. It almost makes me feel worse because other women have husbands who do nothing. If they can cope, why can't I????

(And fwiw I felt obliged to go out with my first and do all the social stuff because I thought that was hugely important, if I didn;t make friends then DD and I would be weirdo loners forever... It doesn't work like that thankfully.)

It gets better. Little by little they show more of their personalities and become more engaging. It can be a bit boring at the start - I usually put my 13 week old down on a play mat and do some house jobs around them throughout the day just for something to do!

Baby groups are brilliant too. When I was finding things tough with my eldest (who was a terrible sleeper and a renowned crier) I used to make sure I had a group to go to every day and it was great for my mental health.

It is hard. Babies are awful. 18 months is when they get good. If it's your first then make the most of being able to watch box sets. You can't do that with your second. Also audiobooks to get through the drudgery.

You also need to start narrating everything so you help their language. This will make you feel slightly unhinged "I'm opening the cupboard now and getting the Nutella out so I can sit and scoff it in front of the TV before you want more milk!"

You can cope. You are coping. I assume the baby is changed and fed and cuddled and loved? So you're doing everything you need to.

You're just finding it hard, like everyone who has ever become a parent. Don't beat yourself up.

Because you’re being honest and saying it’s hard going. Some people prefer to just share the positives and forget to mention that they struggle. That’s fine, but then it makes others feel rubbish as they’re under the illusion that everyone sails through it and they don’t. It’s a bit like social media, some people just share the great bits….

Mine are teenagers now but I can still remember feeling pressured to be a perfect host when people came to visit when DC were weeks old. I could barely manage to get a shower and feed myself, the hosue looked like a bomb had gone off and I looked like a scarecrow - and I had a partner that was amazing too.

Be kind to yourself OP.

There is nothing anyone can say or do to prepare you for the reality of having a baby. It is unbelievably hard.

I was very similar with my first, OP. Had some very dark thoughts at times too. Found the first year or two very difficult and thought I’d never have another. Now I have two and I’m soon to have my third and fourth.

I haaaaaate the cliche term of it does get better. Because in the moment you need to know when, and we can’t tell you that. You know it will eventually (I used to spend night feeds with my first dreaming of when she would be at school), but you don’t know when it’ll get easier and that’s shit and it’s ok to feel like that. Ignore what everyone says about 12 weeks being easier. Maybe for some, not for everyone. Everyone has their own baby, own experience, own opinion.

Does baby take a bottle? If not, get on to that asap as my first was a bottle refuser and that contributed massively to my low mood. I felt really trapped and because mine was an unpredictable feeder and shit with solids, I didn’t leave her side for more than about 20 minutes for a year. We learnt to do things differently with DC2.

Secondly, try antidepressants if you’re up for it. It can just really help lift you out of the fog. Sertraline did nothing for me but fluoxetine was a game changer.

Hope you’re feeling a bit brighter soon. You’re doing great.

Definitely hard. It doesn’t help that some seem to have an easier ride and you wonder what’s wrong with you. Tbh the mum friends I stuck it out with were the ones who moaned openly and I felt I could moan about it to, rather than those who felt the need to say ‘but it’s wonderful and I’ve never felt love like it’. Yes we know but right now I feel shit and don’t care about that part! Even on this thread you will probably get ‘what are you complaining about, you’re so lucky’ type vibes. You start to develop a thicker skin as a mum.

Your boss story makes me think of how I was with a friend during my baby’s first year. She was pregnant towards the end and I was so negative. After a while she told me she had to distance herself a bit as it was affecting her enjoyment of her pregnancy. I felt I had a huge important piece of information she had to understand about the rocket that was going to go off in her life! In hindsight, that first year was pretty traumatic for me as I adjusted to the new life. I remember another mum describing DDs first year as traumatic and I felt such relief as I realised I felt that way too, but I couldn’t fully accept I felt that way - I wanted to feel all the love and enjoyment I thought I should feel. I did, at times, but often felt overwhelmed and unable to cope. It’s ok to feel like this and it won’t last forever. You are undergoing one of the most transformative shifts a woman can go through. You’re doing great, honestly.

It is absolutely awful for many people. At this stage in my baby's life, I was googling adoption services at 3 am. I was in despair because I thought I'd ruined my life unnecessarily and permanently. Don't panic, it gets easier, but slowly and gradually. Just set your sights low and don't dash around like I did, forcing myself out to things I wasn't ready for because 'This is my life now, and I have to get used to it!' Whatever it is that feels unbearable this week, will have resolved itself completely in a fortnight and have been replaced with a completely different problem like your baby developing a phobia of the pushchair, or refusing your left nipple, or getting hysterical at the touch of water. But you also develop expertise in understanding your baby, and they turn into a person who can talk to you, and tell you what's wrong, rather than just screaming. And you learn to love them. It took me the guts of a year. DS is now 12 and beautiful and annoying, and funny and clever and unique. I just wish someone had told me to calm down at the time, that I was expecting far too much of myself, and to just stay at home feeding and watching old movies a lot more rather than running around trying to make friends. Plenty of time for that when you've come to terms with the shock of it all.

I was just going to write similar. I never took mine to baby classes and it's had no negative impact on him. Honestly at 3 months old just changing the lighting in the room to create new shadows is exciting as hell to them🤣

@Jollyjoy your post reminds me of all the people who told me I'd have an awful time with a newborn - and actually I loved it! I wasn't bragging when I said I was loving it, I had a great time.

OP I had a good time with a newborn and this is what I did to make sure of it:

• Get 7-8 hours sleep a night
• Did fun, creative things I liked doing or watched great TV shows while baby napped
• bought a very expensive robotic swinging & shushing chair so my baby was content somewhere with me not holding her

I think sleep is the most important. I got DH to give baby a bottle overnight and went to sleep in the other room, alone with headphones, for two sections of the night. So I got 7-8 hours a night but in two chunks. I was so rigid about sleep - but I also suffer from a chronic medical condition which means I needed to be firm on getting enough sleep.

I believe if you start doing that and sleeping 7-8 hours a night you'll feel a lot better

Yanbu especially with the boring bit! I was planning a year off but went back at 9 months in the end cuz it was boring and repetitive. Currently fly doing 3 days until Christmas and then will do 4 days from January and I think it’s a good balance. I honestly think I’d have gone mad having a year off.

I had a very similar experience to you. My DH is incredibly supportive and I felt guilty about that too. But it is an absolutely massive life adjustment and it takes ages to adjust, I just don’t think you can prepare yourself until you’re in it! I personally found 12 weeks really difficult, things improved from around 16 weeks imo. Sending solidarity!

I mean I know you mean well but you’re talking as if your good experience was down to what you did and if people who had such a hard time did what you did, they’d be fine. You only have to read various parenting threads to come across people who had a relatively easy first baby then had a horrific time the second time, to understand how, if you haven’t had a baby who won’t agree to let you have 7-8hrs sleep no matter what you do, you just don’t know what that’s like. I can guarantee every mum who’s struggling knows they need to do everything they can to get 7-8hrs sleep. It’s ok that you don’t know what it’s like when that’s impossible, but you need to know you don’t know - it’s not bragging but a bit tone deaf.

Lol easy as that just get 7/8 hours sleep per night 🫣😂

And then they become a toddler. I wouldn't say to OP it gets easier but it is different!

I’m going to tell it to you straight OP. Babies are fucking awful. I relate to no group of people less than those professing to love the baby stage. Other than the baby itself, there is nothing to love. It’s exhausting and boring and you feel physically and mentally terrible.

I promise, it gets better. If I could get them at about 18 months old I would have five babies. As it is I’ve decided to put myself through it to have one more, because I really want another child even though I don’t want another baby. They get so much more fun and interesting as they get older. I joyfully adore being a parent now, but for the first year I thought I’d ruined my life.

It gets easier. Whisper it to yourself a thousand times a day. Do what you have to to survive meanwhile.

It's bloody hard and we're not meant to do it alone or in groups of two. I did, and it nearly killed me. Luckily I found a group of friends who got me through.

I would massively lower your standards then lower them some more, and then do everything you can to get a support network in place. What about DH family?

It is hard. My first baby made me understand the term ‘newborn trenches’ where as my 2nd has been a doddle and that’s with a toddler in tow too. You think toner people may seem to be coping better because they probably are, we all have different babies.

Pushing myself to go to baby groups helped me stay sane and get out the house

I hated it when people said it to me but it DOES get better!

We couldn’t have kids and I always wondered if I’d have enjoyed it (Dh said we’d dodged a bullet) Then I got to spend a lot of time with my nephews wife and their baby from birth and my god motherhood would not suit me. I don’t do well on no sleep at all either, you can’t help it.

The baby’s a really good baby too, hardly cries, breastfed easily, eats well now, cutest little thing, seems to like me 😂 literally the best baby in the world but for the mothers it’s just non-stop and you still have the house to run and work to go to.

We're very hard on ourselves for finding it hard though and it serves no purpose. I know everyone says it but they grow up so fast this stage won’t last forever. Your friends will have babies soon enough and understand why you can’t meet up in the evenings now when you have a baby to settle and get to sleep.

I’m not going to say it gets better because it’s relentless whilst they’re young until 4 ish, but you do get used to it. You adapt to your new normal and as baby gets older and begins to interact more you find fun things to do for both of you. You also somehow get used to not much sleep. You need to make sure you and DH are sharing night wake ups so you both get some sleep, if he’s working he could give you a lie in at the weekend and help out a bit during the week too.

My baby woke every half an hour during the night for the first few months. But my partner would take her for a set time every night so I could sleep. That's my point.

If you have a partner to help, and you're prepared to give the occasional bottle, you can split it like that so you both get at least 7 hours sleep - regardless of how your baby sleeps. That's my point.

I really think parents should sleep in separate rooms and do this if they're struggling. I think it makes such a difference

I've helped multiple friends with newborns who didn't sleep to do this and got them feeling back to normal.

I can't offer any advice to single parents I'm afraid, as this requires there to be two of you...