So hard having a baby

[InOverMyHead88]

I know I'm unreasonable. Everyone told me having a baby is hard. But dear god, I was not prepared for it. I'm sleep deprived, depressed, bored, and overwhelmed all at the same time. Baby is 12 weeks which I was told is this magical time when baby gets easier. She must be having a growth spurt though because she's suddenly not sleeping and feeding ALL the time. I feel like a dairy cow.

Boss at my old job told a woman who announced her pregnancy that her life is over and she'll never sleep again. I thought he was such a dick (and he was otherwise a really nice guy) for saying that. But I see it now. He was right.

My baby is gorgeous but how do people do this? Maybe I’m not cut out for this. My poor baby.

It doesn't help I have no one other than DH. No family. And friends are all childless and in work, so they just want to meet in the evenings which I can't do. I've met nice mums at mum coffee groups and they're nice but they all have their own lives, don't think I'm making any friends there.

You won't. It won't be like this for years.

It's important that we understand we may never 'understand' why our baby was so tricky. This 'phase' morphs into the next. We didn't 'solve' the last one, it just moved on. Now we're dealing with this one!

You will climb out of the trenches of the tricky newborn. You will smile wisely when your smug friends who were helpfully suggesting you just need to chill/sleep when baby does/ don't let them alter your life- etc- get a second- born .... who then screams the house down 🤭

My first wouldn't take a bottle for love nor money! She also wouldn't nap unless she was in my arms, therefore I couldn't catch up on sleep during the day 😔

I used to put baby one in the car, with pram and we went everywhere. Literally all sorts of places. I was never in the house during the day. He was an incredibly finicky baby and it was just so much more interesting outside the house. The thought of a baby I literally had to carry around and housework was unbearable. Before I embarked on this strategy I used to feel despondent, bored, very very bored. Museums, art galleries, shopping centres, antique centres, we would have a wander about, lunch in the cafe. They are so transportable when tiny.

I felt exactly like this. My little girl is now fifteen months and is the funniest little whirlwind. It's still hard but she gives so much back now and I only love her more and more each day.
It will get better. Keep getting out to baby groups and chatting to other mums. I guarantee there will be others out there who are feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you.
It’s nice to have some reassurance from other mums who have been through it all.
❤️

You get more used to it and your normal changes. Get out there and make mum friends. It can take time but keep persisting and some will stick. It makes all the difference.

Before I had my kids my friend said to me "it's the best and the worst thing you'll ever do". Didn't know what she meant till I had my first. The clearest way I can describe it is little by little, month by month, you'll get more of the "best" moments than the "worst"... or at least the "best" bits outweigh the "worst" ones. Mine are 6 and 8 now, and my god, it's a different world. In a good way. You find your way back to you (and yes sleep most definitely helps, but as they become more independent). It's brutal right now... but you're doing better than you think. And it'll get better than you can even dream of 😘

You’re tired, overwhelmed, hormonal and just experienced THE BIGGEST UPHEAVAL OF YOUR LIFE that you’ll ever have, and your identity has completely changed. Don’t underestimate that. You are doing a great job, and everyone else is just making it up as they go whatever they say to the contrary.
It does get easier in a lot of ways (though I won’t lie, a different kind of hard in other ways). They do start to sleep more, they do start to give you back more (they’ll show you their personality and you’ll get to know and love her on a deeper level). But it does take time and the whole “enjoy it it goes quickly” line is easy for people who have done it to say because they have naturally forgotten the sheer hell when you’re in it, but it does go quickly when you look back. It just doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
Also, not having friends or family does make a big difference and not having an easy baby also makes a difference. And it’s easy to blame yourself for not having a sleeper or a good feeder, and you’ll question if it’s something you’ve done to cause it, but in a year or two when your hormones regulate and you start to see the results of all your hard work you’ll see that you’ll look back on these thoughts and see you were being far too harsh on yourself.

There is also no shame in admitting you are struggling or that you need help. This sh*t is HARD.

The mum groups are great for meeting people, but I would also say they can be more damaging for you when Sally’s baby slept through from 4 weeks, and Tracey’s baby is so chill, and Marie’s mum lives next door and has the baby overnight, “what do you mean you don’t co-sleep” “what do you mean you haven’t sleep trained?” “What do you mean your baby hasn’t rolled over/started crawling/ said “mumma” yet?” I tried all the groups and personally found the whole thing damaging to my mental health. Then I felt worse when everyone kept telling me that baby groups were the answer to my problems.

6-12 weeks is the pits. It's going to get better. You wont wake up one morning and snap it's easier, but you will start gradually noticing improvement.

Some babies are easier than others. Dc4 is so easy - I can finally understand how some people actually stay on top of things with a baby! She's content and feeds and sleeps relatively well. Two of my others were basically a nightmare as babies. But all of them get easier and more fun.

Tiny babies are basically quite sweet when settled. But when they aren't they are flipping miserable to be around. And some are TERRIBLE sleepers. Despite doing the same bedtime routine with all 4 of mine, they have all slept differently.

It's ok to find it hard. It may be that your baby is hard. Or perhaps you particularly struggle on lack of sleep. I'm actually ok with not much sleep, always have been. Means I drove my parents nuts when I was a baby as I never slept much, but being up a few times a night doesn't bother me at all. But DH just can't do it night after night. He gets to breaking point. I think quite a few people really struggle with the sleep deprivation.

Use whatever support you have. It does NOT make you a failure, it makes you sensible. And hang in there, it won't be like this long in the scheme of things, to just have to survive it. You can do this.

I felt exactly the same way. I won't have another.
Mines 23 months now, sleeping well eating well, funny, cute.
You'll get through this.

My eldest had a dairy and soy allergy that we didn’t find out about until she was 14 months. I still describe her as the baby from hell. She was bottle fed and heavily medicated. She had terrible reflux, plus the side effects from the medicine. And she just didn’t fucking sleep! I’ve always said that the first six months of her life were the longest six months of my life. I promise it will get easier. Weaning will take the strain off you with the breast feeding. My nightmare baby is now 14 and an amazingly good cook. Hang in there!

This phase doesn't last long, OP. Hang on in there - you'll be ok!

I felt EXACTLY like you when my baby was 12 weeks old. It's a horrible age, I don't care what anyone else says. It slowly started to get easier from around 5 months, and has continued to get progressively easier. My baby is now very nearly 2 and has slept through the night for the last three nights in a row! She is also MUCH more interesting than she was at 12 weeks, and is genuinely so much fun to be around.

For some of us, the baby stage is all about survival until you get to the awesome toddler stage.

Fuck, yes to all of this. The first six months were utterly awful and I beat myself up because I wasn’t enjoying it and assumed I never would - in retrospect, I wasn’t really coping and think I did amazingly not running away which I genuinely thought about.

Mine are 14 and 11 and I utterly adore being their Mum now (and have for a fair few years, don’t worry!)

Good luck, OP.

Have sent you a PM

My first became difficult at 3 months!!

Every baby is so so different, and I honestly think everyone finds different stages more/less difficult.

Be kind to yourself. If everyone is alive at the end of the day, it's a job well done.

I am a mum who loves it but that doesn't mean it isn't still really hard. The sleep deprivation is so tough.
It does get easier but slowly and not linearly in my experience.
I also think being a parent becomes a lot more fun when there's more 'feedback' from the child. I loved breastfeeding because I loved the cuddles and would watch tv whilst nap trapped. But my friend really struggled to bond with her baby until he was several months older and a bit more interactive.
I think sometimes those early days can just feel like groundhog day.
I highly recommend getting out for a walk if possible, the fresh air really helped clear my head, I got a bit stir crazy in the house. Also pram walks normally puts the baby to sleep so I used to turn around immediately that happened and wheel her back into the house so I could have a nap while she did!

It’s horrid
no dressing it up
you go from a care free life to, what can only be described as Hiroshima. It’s natural to feel like shit warmed up for the first year, hell I’m nearly 1 year and 6 months and still feel on the verge of a nervous break down prob twice a week BUT you will get moments that make it all worthwhile & if they haven’t come yet don’t worry.
we are put under so much pressure to feel a certain way
it’s bollocks
feel what you feel
cry and let it out
it will get easier I promise.
I’m still at home with mine, hopefully I’ve found a nice nursery so I can get my life back a bit and start to feel semi human again
he’s my first and only baby and he’s amazing BUT it’s far from easy
really try not to over think too much & emotions do come and go, I go through about ten zillion a day
one min I’m happy, the next I’m crying, the next I’m ok and that’s ok , I’m human
if you don’t feel like getting dressed then don’t but I will say always put a bra on (personally if I don’t I start to feel gross) and do your skin care
I often go to the park with baby in my pjs with a big coat over the top
DROP caring what others think
big hugs , I know what you are going through xx

It's so hard!!!!

I was in the same boat (bany girl born in april). None of my friend's get it, why should they?

All I will say is, hang in there!!! It was around 15/16 weeks my baby started to be more settled. She had awful colic until then. Now she's 9 months, crawling, laughing, chowing down on any solid food offered to her like an absolute beast, and saying mumaaaaa all day long and it's the most wonderful thing.

When I was in the trenches that you are currently in, i did my best to remember...

She must feel so safe when I come to her when she cries.
She must trust me so much.
She must feel so relieved every time I put my aching, poor boob's in her little face for yummy yummy time.
She is having a hard time here, not me. I can fix her.

Reminding myself of the above as often as possible really is what pulled me through the newborn trenches.

It's not fair op, but really babies are different. Just like people. Some are more high maintenance.

When I had my second child, it opened my eyes to what life is like with a baby who sleeps and feeds and doesn't cry all night. Still hard, but way less hard.

Honestly you need to come to a place of acceptance that for now, this is life. You're doing your best. It's dull but it will change. If your baby cries or wakes it's more about them than you.

Oh it’s hell. My first woke every 2 hours for the first 6 months - by a year I was still getting up every 3 hours. I was an absolute mess. Honestly at the beginning with the sleep deprivation I thought I was losing my mind. Husband couldn’t help in night as baby refused a bottle. It does get better though - I promise! If baby will take some of your milk from a bottle get your husband to take the baby and you go to a spare room, pump, put in ear plugs and sleep. You will feel a million times better. Also it’s absolute Groundhog Day at the beginning - it gets more fun.

You find out who your real friends are when you have a baby for sure
this is a good thing but it’s hard

With my eldest I hated the young baby stage. She was a bloody awful baby . I was thankful to be back at work when she was 3 months. That's when I started coping

Op how are you getting on?

My lifeline was other new mums I met. I had no family support. They saved my sanity. Baby classes/groups gave me a reason to leave the house and cope. Mainly cheap local stuff. Some boring some better. At least I spoke to other adults daily who were in same page. Went back to work at 7/8 months both times