So hard having a baby

[InOverMyHead88]

I know I'm unreasonable. Everyone told me having a baby is hard. But dear god, I was not prepared for it. I'm sleep deprived, depressed, bored, and overwhelmed all at the same time. Baby is 12 weeks which I was told is this magical time when baby gets easier. She must be having a growth spurt though because she's suddenly not sleeping and feeding ALL the time. I feel like a dairy cow.

Boss at my old job told a woman who announced her pregnancy that her life is over and she'll never sleep again. I thought he was such a dick (and he was otherwise a really nice guy) for saying that. But I see it now. He was right.

My baby is gorgeous but how do people do this? Maybe I’m not cut out for this. My poor baby.

It doesn't help I have no one other than DH. No family. And friends are all childless and in work, so they just want to meet in the evenings which I can't do. I've met nice mums at mum coffee groups and they're nice but they all have their own lives, don't think I'm making any friends there.

Oh OP I remember those days. It’s awful and tedious and exhausting. But I promise it gets better.

Try ensuring you have something to do each day. Even if it’s a walk with baby in the pram or a coffee with friends. This gave me focus from one day to the next.

OP no one is coping. The ones who say they are aren’t being truthful

I hate when people tell you your life is over and you’ll never sleep again. People loved telling me that. I’m sorry but what a load of shit. It’s absolutely not my experience. Your baby is still so young. For us it improved a lot at around 15 months. I’ve learned that many things are a passing phase even if they last a while. Could you consider adding some formula to fill her up for a bit longer and give yourself more of a break?

i was also going to write similar! There’s so much pressure to find your “mum tribe” particularly on mumsnet!

Bottle is unfortunately not an option. Baby has a dairy and soy allergy so we're restricted on formula choices. I tried expressing but it was so much more work and then baby still wanted to be on the boob for comfort, it just wasn't worth it. Will try again when he's older.

So true. My little one is 2 and I still don't have a mom tribe😅

It might be hard to see it now OP but when your DC is 11 and has an attitude you’ll pine for the baby days because you’ll have forgotten the hard parts! It feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel but there is.

I advise you do make friends but make friend ls who you can moan about parenting to.

Ditto 😂! I find it makes it even worse to talk about your baby alllll the time with a group. They’re teething weaning etc etc. like I am living it with my DC I don’t need to also hear about someone else’s 😂! I’ll make friends when they go to school 😂!

I met my NCT mums (is that still a thing) after our babies were born and we ended up in two tribes - the “I’m loving every minute of this” tribe and my tribe the “What in the ever loving fuck were we thinking? We could be in Las Vegas now but instead we have purple bags and veiny tits” group. It helped, enormously.

Thanks everyone. It really is just the sleep deprivation and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. I'm constantly looking out for the baby, what she needs, etc. Even when I leave her with DH to go for a nap, I keep thinking i can hear her cry and it takes me a while to wind down.

I’m not wanting a bun fight, but I did what you describe, and I still found it traumatic. There are many factors and I am genuinely happy for you that you enjoyed it - but many others don’t feel the same and there’s no ‘do this and you’ll find it enjoyable like me’. Hopefully the op hasn’t thought of your tips and they will help.

I have a 4yo DD and pregnant with number 2 - I must be crazy as I vividly remember the utter exhaustion and now will be trying to look after another child at the same time.

With my first, I moved overseas when she was 7 weeks old then was in lockdown and unable to see any family whatsoever for a year due to Covid.
The country I was living in allowed an hour of 'freedom' a day when I could get out the house but, other than that, we were virtually housebound for a year .
Looking back, I genuinely don't know how I kept my sanity but I did.
We all got through it.

Now ready to do it all again with DD2

Yep, it’s really hard. Relentless. World’s best kept secret.

Speak to your health visitor or GP about postnatal anxiety. I didn’t know it was a thing and only heard about postnatal depression, so never looked into how anxious I felt.

It really helps to read other people feel the same. I feel a lot less alone and i'm glad i posted. I've also had a strong coffee and some food, that helps too.

I don't know why but all the mums I know LOVE IT. And I feel like a failure because I don't.

Remember OP sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture in some places, so you are well within reason to hate it.

Oh god I remember that feeling. Tell him to take her for a walk when you nap or go visit his family. I used to snap up those 2 or 3 blissful hours!

I hope this advice is helpful advice OP, and not taken in the way pp have said as 'tone deaf' ...but when I was solely breastfeeding me and DH still did sleep shifts in separate rooms - DH would just bring baby in and latch them while I was asleep, like a night nanny does, and then take them away again. My sleep was good doing this - I also wore headphones as was so sensitive to baby cries, they'd wake me if I could hear them.

It's not as amazing as getting an uninterrupted chunk of sleep every night, but I'd still wager you'll get a bit more sleep doing that.

Divide up the night. When you're on shift baby is in the room with you and DH sleeps uninterrupted in another room. When DH is on shift he tries to rock/soothe baby with dummy, if baby really needs a feed he brings baby in, latches them, holds baby there, takes baby away when full.

(This is assuming you have a partner who can help)

They aren’t your tribe. Stay away from them. Find the ones who feel the same, they won’t be far. You’re not a failure you are so normal

I found my NCT group quite performative and inauthentic in this way. I think there is an enormous and unhelpful pressure to claim to love it all the time. When the truth is it’s really hard. And mostly a slog, with moments of magic and joy. It is a monumental change to every aspect of your being - physically, emotionally, relationally, financially. Your relationship changes, your identity changes. I’m a confident, professional woman but I’ve been reduced to tears over nappy changes and sippy cups and the relentless of it all.

You aren’t a failure, you’re honest.

It always looks like other people can cope better but they are just as frazzled in the first few months!

Absolutely brutal. Luckily we were so tired we can’t remember any detail so a few years down the line its all forgotten!

I have no handy tips. Probably because there aren’t any. Good luck! 3 months in and the little one is still all good…you are smashing it!

I agree with this.

We are sold the lie of “instant maternal love”.

I didn’t feel joy in being a mum until my DD was over 1yo. I beat myself up so much over it. Shes now 11, kind, well behaved, smart - an attitude for sure and we have to have conversations about answering back and saying “Skibidi toilet” 54,000 times a day, but in the grand scheme of things I’ve done a great job despite taking a while to get into the flow of parenting.

I know some won't appreciate me saying this, but since it's a scientific fact I'm going to; BF your baby the best thing you can do - right now - for their short and long term health.

In the first six months it is how you seem to spend most of your time. It's tiring and boring. I wish podcasts had existed then! If you can stick it out, you can be really proud of that.

You ex college was a dick though, because you will get a good nights sleep again, just not for another 18 months! It's a slog, and what you're feeling is normal. At least get your DP to look after DC for a bit, so you can nap at the weekend.

In addition I think people tend to prefer certain ages and stages and find others more difficult. I didn’t have babies to have babies - I knew I wanted children, to raise a family, to eventually have interesting conversations and holidays and shared experiences. To hopefully instil good values, to experience the privilege of helping another human to grow and learn and explore. I really look forward to having dinner with my adult children one day and hearing their thoughts on anything and everything. I want to learn from them.

The baby stage never appealed to me and although I do enjoy it more than I thought I would, I always keep the future in mind. I have friends who are the opposite - new born stage and baby stage is their absolute favourite. They grow so quickly - the days are long but the years are short, the saying goes.

I have a 4 month old and I completely get it. It is so so tough and it's easy to look around and see other mums who appear to be doing absolutely fine - they probably think the same about you! Babies are so tough. Mine wakes every hour, will only go back to sleep when breastfed at night, and he has terrible eczema so wakes himself up and cries a lot. I'm so tired but know that eventually it has to get better. I can't give you any tips but I can say that you are most definitely not the only mum feeling like this!

The hardest job in the world is being a parent from the moment they are born life will never be the same.

So im told.