To have one child

[GG300]

My husband and I are expecting our first baby next year. We have spoken very seriously about only having one child as this will suit our lifestyle better, however both of us grew up with a sibling close in age (who we have wonderful relationships with) and are worried about our baby missing out. What are people’s experiences of being/having an only child?

thanks!

My friend is an only child and is happy and has decided to stop at 1. I always wanted more than 1. We had so much difficulty having a second baby I thought it might not be possible. I find a lot of only children quite self centred and spoiled.

Some people love being an only child. Some people hate it.

Some people love having siblings. Some people hate it.

I sincerely hope you didn't choose to put yourself through alot of pain to have your second because of your opinion of only children.

I am an only and I have an only. I think it's absolutely fine. In the lottery of life, there are so many other variables beside having or not having siblings that will affect how happy, healthy and fulfilled your child ends up. Having a second child etc. could work out well or it could work out badly, in myriad ways. There's no way to know.

I was an only child until my mum remarried and had 2 boys when I was 16. I'm 38 now and still consider myself an only child really as I was almost an adult by the time my brothers came along. I hated being an only child, I found it lonely and the worst part was getting board games for Xmas but having no one to play them with.

On the other hand my DB's are 22 and 21 now and they don't get on at all, I have a good, although not close relationship with both of them.

When it came to my own kids though I decided that I really wanted more than one so that they would hopefully always have each other. I have both a DD and DS, and my family is now complete, I definitely couldn't handle any more!

I would have preferred to not have had a sibling.

I had one. She loves her own space but enjoys seeing cousins etc a lot.

Biggest benefit for her was private school, I could afford that for her as an only and it turns out she needed it as she has ADHD and local state school provision for SEN is shite.

Not really. Children are spoiled and self centred because of the parents not teaching them right. My only child knows how to share and wait for turn. I found kids with siblings are the one that doesn’t know to share and have no idea about waiting for turn more often.

I think suiting your lifestyle as a choice is a little "vacuous" perhaps - sounds more like a decision to get a dog or a cat!

Having said that, have as many children as you can afford, or as few as you want! It's too soon for you to know @GG300 - as others have said, wait until you have had your baby. You might find yourself suddenly turn into an earth mother after all! I couldn't wait to have a second.

I think parents of only children need to be very conscious that their child doesn't become self-centred. One of my DD's has a BF (both 25 too) who's an only and she is incredibly full of her own self-importance. I think having another child might have knocked some of the edges off! I don't think the two young women would ever be friends now, but they have been since they were 4 and the are very close.

Other than that, crack on! Do whatever you want to do!

Nice.

I have one brother and he has caused nothing but problems In my life. Since I was young..

Being an only child would have been peaceful.

I have one DD she’s 8 now is happy and content honestly I always thought I’d have two children but it’s sadly not happened with my partner we have gave up trying and just accepted it.

to read some of these comments about how one is selfish and doesn’t favour the only child can easily say that if they have more than one child

also growing up with siblings doesn’t always mean they will be close as adults remember that..

Yawn

This answer is probably the best

Not sure how you figured that one out. If you have more than one child, it's pretty rare for them not to have to share things.

I'm an only child. I'm now 60. My parents were caring and I loved them a lot but I also had fantasies about having brothers or sisters. There are fun aspects to being an only child - more money spent on you, more attention - but I would rather not have been outnumbered by my parents and had their focus so much on me. Even if parents claim to have no expectations, they do, and that's quite hard falling on one set of shoulders. As they aged, I realised their needs would fall on me alone. People almost never truly anticipate their own old age and being an only child in that situation is hard. My father died at 80 after a short illness but my mother lived 15 more years, declining slowly and needing residential care eventually. You don't have to have any children but think in the broadest and longest terms about having only one.

DD likes being an only, and although I felt that lockdown as an early teen might have been easier with a sibling, she disagrees. Obviously the "dealing with elderly parents" stage is yet to come; we'll try and make sure we make it as easy for her as we can. However having more than one doesn't necessarily mean less stress at that point - there's no guarantee that all siblings are willing/able to pitch in to help, or that they will agree on the best course of action, and there can end up being a lot of resentment.

I am 32 years old. I struggled to conceive and was even referred to the fertility clinic before I fell pregnant. By the time baby is born I would be nearly 33 and I don't want to be pregnant or give birth at age 35 or older- WHO also advocates 2 to 3 years between births for minimal pregnancy risk.

I am just too old. I would probably ttc until it was no longer possible if I had no children but why should I put my body or health of future children at risk for hypothetical siblings.

I have an only, not by choice. We would have dearly loved another, but it wasn’t to be. DS is 13 and for many years asked for a sibling. Even now he still brings it up from time to time.

That said, he’s a happy and well-adjusted kid. We’ve been able to do things as a family that we could not have afforded if we had two. And we will be able to help him financially in the future more than we would be able to if we had two.

He also has quite a few friends who are onlies and they all seem pretty happy as they are.

I find a lot of only children quite self centred and spoiled.

… and here we go with the stereotypes. People love to paint onlies as indulged little brats.

My condescending brother used to make digs about my DS saying “he doesn’t know how to share toys.” That was bullshit. What he didn’t know was how to behave when playtime looks more like fight club because his kids are so competitive and feral.

You can't use WHO advise as a reason not to have another child. Did you breastfeed beyond 2 years?

There's so many people in Mumsnet who don't get on with their siblings. In real life, most of my friends and family get on with their siblings very well.

Although I guess most people on Mumsnet seem to dislike other people altogether, so perhaps that's why.

I have 2 DD that are 2 years apart. They play so well together 90% of the time. They entertain each other and means they are not always looking to me to entertain them. I'm very glad I have two. However, there is no guarantee that two siblings would live harmoniously together. If mine didn't enjoy each other's company or were arguing all the time, life would be so so stressful!

I find a lot of only children quite self centred and spoiled.

No you don't, you're just trying to justify your choices to have more than one child.

Or people feel more comfortable talking about it anonymously? It's hard when you have a troublesome family dynamic to be open and honest in real life to even close friends sometimes, especially if they know the rest of your family. One of my brothers assaulted me as a young child and became a heroin addict who would lie, steal, be abusive and generally ruined my childhood; people know I don't really speak to him now, but I don't feel the need to tell people about it generally because it feels personal to me.

My only seems to be fine, she has a sharing food deal with her best friend. Theres no actual scientific evidence of only’s being maladjusted. Onlies may have more resources than your kids but it doesn’t make them spoilt or badly behaved. The worst behaved kids in DD’s class all have siblings. On average though I doubt there are vast personality differences between kids with siblings or without.

I know some very close siblings and some siblings who wouldn’t put their brother or sister out if they were on fire. Even when it comes to caring, one child often takes on the bulk.