The lamb steaks …

[4seasons]

My DH has just asked me if I “ have any thoughts “ about dinner tonight. I am sitting comfortably looking out at the garden and yet went from relaxed to very irritated in microseconds ! I asked for his suggestions and he said “ lamb steaks “. Just that. He obviously had a mental picture of a dinner he wanted to eat but of course hadn’t thought any further than this because obviously I was the one who would plan and execute the cooking. So … that’s part of my day sorted then .. peeling , chopping, cooking etc. He’s a brilliant bloke in many many ways … married for over 50 years , 2 middle aged kids. So why has this irritated me so much ? Can anyone articulate this to me ? I have been planning , shopping , cooking for family and extended family for a long , long time and am sick of the concept of “ the meal “ If I was on my own I’d probably have soup or a boiled egg .. but each day there has to be a “ proper “ meal for “ the man “. You know , meat / veg / gravy etc.!! What is it with men and a “ proper meal “?
I’m calming down now and I know I really am being unreasonable to be internally screaming about this but next time he says “ lamb steaks “ that’s what he’s getting… a lamb steak slapped in the middle of a plate and nothing else !!

😂 are you menopausal by any chance?

Can’t you suggest he has a go at making them?

I would have said “that sounds delicious, thanks, what are you cooking to go with them?”.

Way past menopausal .. in my 70 s !!

Just say “sounds lovely, what time will it be ready so I can plan my afternoon?”

then make clear that he’s responsible for producing whatever meal he has in his head involving tbd lamb steaks.

oh and if he says anything like he doesn’t know how to cook them, it’s better when you do it. Then that’s the time to tell him you don’t fancy prepping and cooking today so you’ll be making cheese on toast and tomato soup.

its never to late to change behaviours

Haha, I absolutely feel your rage! I do most of the cooking because I genuinely enjoy doing it, but sometimes I have to remind everyone that it's not a restaurant.
If DH said "lamb steaks?" my response would be "yeah make that if you want, sounds nice"

Exactly as others have said. Sounds great, what are you doing to go with it?

im in my 60s and I know times have changed and roles within relationships become ingrained over the years, but it doesn’t hurt to raise awareness, even if you don’t plan on making an issue out of it.

If I was on my own I’d probably have soup or a boiled egg .. but each day there has to be a “ proper “ meal for “ the man “. You know , meat / veg / gravy etc.!! What is it with men and a “ proper meal “?

So why don't you have soup or eggs?

You're not obliged to cook your DHs choice of meals.

Make what you fancy and feel like cooking. If you're being very kind you could say, 'I'm having soup, would you like some too'. If he says no, he can make his own food or go without.

He’s a brilliant bloke in many many ways

Name some of them? Do any of them involve organising or cooking meals?

Surely this also means you have to go and shop, unless you have lamb steaks in already - which at least would make him mentioning them more reasonable. Can you send him to the shops to get them, if that's what he wants?

Also agree that a perfectly good response to his 'what are your thoughts' would have been 'something simple like soup or a boiled egg'

If this has been your dynamic forever then rage quitting today might be a bit overkill. But next time he says something like that respond with 'I don't want to spend all afternoon meal prepping, ill probably have soup or something'.
'What do you think' leaves it open to him making menu requests.
And when you've had more coffee and a kot of deep breaths have a conversation that now you are '(presumably) both retired and don't have kids at home you want to change the set up and split household choose more equally. One thing if you were a SAHM and he was main wage earner but no need to continue that now. Many years past time for a change!

So he asked what you thought and instead of telling him what you wanted you asked him what he wanted. Why not just tell him what you want.

Must be generational. My father in his 70s has to have a proper dinner every day. He doesn't cook - his idea of cooking is heating something in the oven (ready meal or frozen fish and chips)... My husband (and I) will have rice pudding for dinner if the mood takes us or a toasted sandwich or beans on toast. Most of the time we cook from scratch and share 50:50 (plus whoever isn't cooking assists).

I'm a woman and I want a "proper meal", thanks! Love my dinners!

BUT - I plan, shop for and cook them. DH can suggest and helps with prep but I basically eat what I want. Your dh should try it!

Yep. This!

I'm assuming you're both retired. Maybe suggest you take it in turns to cook and prepare meals. If he tries to off load 'what shall we eat tonight', just reply 'I will love anything you prepare, surprise me'.

Agree with Pp.. the correct response is : that sounds lovely thanks

I’m just fed up of the concept of “ the proper meal “. I think I’m quite happy with snack type meals rather than the full meat , veg , accompaniments etc. And I’m tired of the thinking being a daily brain filler .

Exactly this. Tell him what you told us. You are sick fed up with cooking and from now on, he can have whatever you fancy eating, or cook himself.

Get him some cookery books for Christmas?

10;30am is early to be thinking about dinner. Are you sure he didn't see you relaxing and decide to sabotage that?

The thing is I don’t want to offload the meal planning etc on to him because he’s always ( well , in his later years ) pulled his weight … and probably does more housework than I do. But it still irritates that my brain space is the one used for meal planning .
We are spending Xmas away with our 2 children this year. My son is the designated cook. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that I’m not responsible for the whole event. But only minutes ago DH said “ well they’ve decided on Xmas dinner but what are we eating the rest of the time ?”…. implication being that I needed to meal plan for 3 days meals for 4 adults ( 6 , once the uni grandkids arrive )…. why me ??

Women's work innit.

Seriously I agree OP. It's irritating.

I feel you in the expectation of a meal, I didn't make it to 50 years married before snapping.

I would love for someone to make me dinner!

I’m sure my DH of 30 years would love ‘proper’ roast dinners but he knows apart from the odd family day I can’t be arsed cooking them. He’s totally independently minded and would never expect that of me. When one of our household cook for others we are all very grateful - it never gets taken for granted or assumed it’s women's work.

And this is where women who martyr themselves for years do not really have my sympathy in situations like this. I get your irritation op, I really do. But it’s a situation of your own making.

Can you swap responsibility for meals with something he does? Laundry?

And this is where women who martyr themselves for years do not really have my sympathy in situations like this. I get your irritation op, I really do. But it’s a situation of your own making.

100% this ^^

'I don't want to offload onto him because he does more housework than me'.

So share the housework and meal planning 🤷‍♂️