The lamb steaks …

[4seasons]

My DH has just asked me if I “ have any thoughts “ about dinner tonight. I am sitting comfortably looking out at the garden and yet went from relaxed to very irritated in microseconds ! I asked for his suggestions and he said “ lamb steaks “. Just that. He obviously had a mental picture of a dinner he wanted to eat but of course hadn’t thought any further than this because obviously I was the one who would plan and execute the cooking. So … that’s part of my day sorted then .. peeling , chopping, cooking etc. He’s a brilliant bloke in many many ways … married for over 50 years , 2 middle aged kids. So why has this irritated me so much ? Can anyone articulate this to me ? I have been planning , shopping , cooking for family and extended family for a long , long time and am sick of the concept of “ the meal “ If I was on my own I’d probably have soup or a boiled egg .. but each day there has to be a “ proper “ meal for “ the man “. You know , meat / veg / gravy etc.!! What is it with men and a “ proper meal “?
I’m calming down now and I know I really am being unreasonable to be internally screaming about this but next time he says “ lamb steaks “ that’s what he’s getting… a lamb steak slapped in the middle of a plate and nothing else !!

I'm in my 50s and have already got to the fed up of thinking what to eat EVERY single day...it's OK for myself but to have to do it for another adult as well.

My stock answer now is, what do you fancy, great I'm looking forward to eating it. Got to about 50/50 cooking but still 80/20 me doing the thinking about it....

Absolutely this. Let him do some of the ideas/planning/work. If he wants to eat something that you haven't already got in, he should fetch it.

The answer to that is “ isn’t it exciting, I hope one day is cold meats and baked potatoes - remind me to pack some of that pickle I like - but other than that I am all agog for the culinary surprises.”

Dear god , I am becoming a harridan.

OP - do not be afraid of becoming a harridan. Embrace it.

Read "Hags" by Victoria Smith.

I'm in my 50s. I was brought up with 'The Meal' being of sacred importance every day, nothing else was as important. My parents still drive me nuts about it when I stay with them.

As a result I'm big on snack type meals a lot of the time, and Mindful Chef for most of the rest. I'm single and there is no way I could be catering to a DH who was into the daily Big Meal concept.

44 here. I am fully convinced I would achieve my fullest potential of writing a book, being an artist, travelling the world etc, if only I could use less brain power on thinking about what to eat and everything that that entails. AND lose weight into the bargain...

He hasn't. He's come up with one ingredient, 'lamb steaks'.

I got overly upset recently when I made what I thought was a delicious dinner, a creamy chicken gnocchi. My husband was a total sick about it not being a "proper dinner".

and wants op to do the cooking

Why did you ask if you don't like his answer?

I feel for you, OP, and can empathise as you sound very much like my lovely mum. While your marriage sounds nicer and more equitable than hers, she spent her life running around after my father and serving him hand and foot.

She came from a very dysfunctional family and marrying young was her way out. Then babies came and she was happy to be a devoted wife and mother. I think it really hit home once all her kids were grown up that she was treated like a skivvy, but it felt too late to change it. There’s certainly an element of martyrdom too- she wanted to be seen to it her husband and children ahead of herself.

Anytime we’d point out that she shouldn’t be doing so much for my father, she would argue that she had to as he couldn’t do it for himself. Then she got sick and, shock horror, he didn’t starve to death because he had to start cooking for himself. Men tend not to let themselves starve to death.
Seeing how well he’s managed has made her even more bitter- it’s like she feels he tricked her.

Make yourself an egg with buttery toast tonight, and if your husband asks about lamb steaks, ask him if he’s going to get a shake on or else it’ll be very late when he’s done cooking and he won’t want to be too full going to bed.

Dear god , I am becoming a harridan

A woman who speaks her mind, gets what she needs and makes sure that life is good for her - is a harridan?

Dear God 😒 🙄

Dh does the same

Any lunch ideas???

No

I

Fucking

don't

Aka: what are you making me for lunch?

I'd suggest that these men who expect a "good meal" on the table each day - have become used to this meal being provided by their partner/wife and therefore having their demands enabled

I'd also suggest saying "no"

Or "make it yourself"

Or "I'm having soup and eggs, you make what you want"

Or "Fuck Off"

Please choose as appropriate 😀

You’ve been together 50 years and, it sounds, generally have a good relationship. But things change. Your own eating needs are very different to his now but food provision is your responsibility and the assumption is that it’s centered around his eating expectations. There’s some sense to centering food around him - your needs can be met if you do that whereas his can’t if food was centered around what you need - but it’s harder for you to do all the work because you no longer have the same biophysical incentives to think about it that he does now. Can you not talk to him about this and how tedious it’s become?

If this is something that’s been building for some time and not a one off feeling of frustration that might dissipate then it’s probably worth speaking up before it sours other aspects of your relationship.

You say you don’t want him to take over food prep because he pulls his weight elsewhere, but maybe it’s time to swap some responsibilities as he probably has a lot more incentive around it. If you think he won’t take your food preferences into account at all, then maybe separate food prep is the way to go. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You could just drop out of Tuesday and Thursday night dinners, for instance. Or weeknight ones. If you’re doing less day-to-day stuff then you might enjoy the bigger occasions like Christmas more, but it also gives your DH a chance to get into cooking for himself. If he’s dreaming of lamb chops he may well have a lot of thoughts about food he could bring into fruition and find the joy in cooking that many people who like food get.

And if it makes the distribution of housework uneven, you could take over some other job that, perhaps, he hasn’t been so keen on but has done anyway.

Just in case anyone is still interested… the lamb steaks turned into lamb steaks plus roast potatoes, cauliflower, green beans , peas , gravy and mint sauce.
The secondary issue I mentioned re the black trousers … I had a quiet but firm word with him when we were out for coffee. He had been to my wardrobe and counted my pairs of black trousers !!! He’d discovered there were only two pairs. I asked him what he thought of his actions ie “ what does that make you ?”. I may have used the word “ controlling “
several times. He tried to compare it to me asking questions about our purchase of a new car recently but I disabused him re the comparison of a new car and an M&S pair of trousers. He looked a bit taken aback and shaken. I don’t often bite back but on this occasion I was angry …. not shouting angry , internalised anger if you know what I mean. I have never been a profligate spender and we’ve always joked about me being low maintenance compared to some of our friends’ wives.
Thanks for letting me vent this afternoon. At times I can’t believe the job I used to hold down… included managing more than 90 people. Yet one bloke ( who I love dearly ) gets to tell me what I can buy with my own money !!
I’ll sign off now before I find other gripes to carry on about !

Op I bloody love that you have been radicalised by lamb steaks. I'm cheering you on!

I had this revelation one day, I decided that as I shop for, pay for, prep and cook every thing we eat, we would from thenceforth eat what I liked best. And we do. It's fab.

Taking him up on the point about the trousers is good, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. The husband still got the dinner he wanted and I'm assuming, since OP stayed quiet about this, that she shopped for and cooked it all.

OP, my advice would be to think ahead to how you'll answer the dinner question next time he asks it - which he will - if you really want to change things instead of just venting about them.

I totally agree. I live on my own and the thought of cooking a dinner every night horrifies me.

The lamb steak radicalisation will definitely affect what we eat going forward !! Normally I give the best piece of meat / fish etc to DH ( Ivan hear you all screaming from here )…. but tonight , sisters …. I very deliberately gave myself the better one … a small step but a significant one I feel. After all , I cooked it !!

I've taken to occasionally saying, oh I'm not eating a proper meal tonight, so you may be best to sort yourself out.

Good OP!

This bloody self sacrificing behaviour can stop at least some of the time.

i also debate giving best cut to myself or DH. It’s 50:50 these days. I keep it fair!

very glad you gave him a talking to about your trousers.

Has he always been this controlling?

DH also likes the works, every night. It is exhausting. Some nights I can’t face it though, once a week usually or sometimes twice.

Then he’ll have a tin of tuna or salmon and make up the other bits himself to turn it into the works by himself.

We all need a break in the routine. He also does all his own washing and cuts all the veg for the week and does a once weekly shop. I still need to do a big shop myself. But he does do something at least.

Hes never commented on any clothes I buy. I also am not a profligate spender. We have the money but I am careful. How dare DH speak to you like that.

When DH exhibits controlling behaviour I call him out on it now and call him a bully and disrespectful.

Unfortunately they need a kick in the pants once in a while to remind them it’s equality we are aiming for, and they are not in charge.

The final measure that really hits home, the nuclear card, is to remind them that divorced, I’d have access to so much more… and never have to listen to him again! That usually shuts him up for quite a while. But I’ve got a Rottweiler. A very good one but he needs controlling of his controlling. It’s in his nature to dominate but fortunately he pipes down. Can be exhausting at times.

Oh God, OP, I hear you. I love cooking and food, but I still say the never ending cooking of healthy meals is the most onerous aspect of parenting. I've said so many times to friends that I fantasize about just having a boiled egg. My kids are eons away from middle age too so I've no end in sight. Your post was about your husband though. I'd probably just tell him he's cooking half the meals henceforth.

From your opening post:

because obviously I was the one who would plan and execute the cooking. So … that’s part of my day sorted then .. peeling , chopping, cooking etc. He’s a brilliant bloke in many many ways … married for over 50 years

That's why I voted YABU. Because in many houses, that isn't obvious. It is a situation you have allowed to develop. Maybe it worked when you were newly wed. Or when you had young dc, but you both retiring was surely the time to reassess how you do things.
If you've chosen to be a martyr, and give him the 'better' piece of meat or fish, and always cook the type of meal you think he prefers, then that is on you.
You've been married over 50 years - have a similar conversation with him about meals as you did about buying the trousers.