I want to leave DP for the person he has allowed his DD to become

[Sillias]

Morning all,
So DP and I have been together for 10 years. He has a 22 year old daughter, her mother passed away 14 years ago.
Between the sale of her mothers business 14 years ago and more recently DP selling his and returning to regular work she had a 7 figure trustfund on turning 18.
She’s a smart kid, studied law etc. This year she graduated, bought a flat (still left the trust fund in 7 figures) and took on part time work which pays basically nothing. It’s fine though as she gets money out the trust fund every month. She only works as DP found her the job more or less.
She’s started dating a guy who’s 6 years older than her, he earns well. They’ve been dating for 7 months and he pays for her to have a monthly pamper weekend, takes her to ridiculous expensive restaurants.
DP also spoils her, he paid for tickets for several F1 races this year each time costing thousands, bought her a £2000 dress for her birthday. The flat it’s self was paid for from
the trust fund but all the decor/furnishing DP has paid for himself.

Now I’m frustrated. It’s not my money I get that, but she’s such a smart girl and it’s all going to waste for what? She’s turning into a bit of a princess and she’s so out of touch from the world. It’s making me really judge DP. When she was young he was hard on her, and it worked. She got 3 A* and an A on her A-levels, she graduated with a first class honours and she’s very intelligent and now he’s letting her spend her days doing nothing and being a spoiled princess.

WIBU to leave him over this? I just can’t stand it so much and it makes me look at him differently.

Yes leave him. He deserves a better woman than you, and the DD deserves not to have a bitter woman like you in her life.

You can leave any partner for any or no reason, so YANBU for that. If you've come to feel differently about him (you resent him, no longer respect him, distrust his judgement, etc.) and this continues to bother you even though you've given it time and no matter how you consider or rationalise it, maybe it is time to leave. The money from the business sales is done deal; the only thing that even COULD change is how he spends money on her now. But unless that spending means he's short of money for your shared expenses or to pay his share of things you both want to do together, I doubt you'd be able to get him to change and I'm not sure how you'd even reasonably try.

I was also expecting you to say she was doing something unethical, treating him and/or you badly, or hurting other people in some way. The fact that she can afford not to work and chooses for the moment not to work full time seems fairly benign. She had the money from her mother at 18 and that sounds like it was beyond your partner's control; he parented her as a minor and now she's deciding how to live as an adult. If she announced tomorrow that she's taken a job practicing law full time, would that really change your feelings for your partner?

I’d be worried if my own child’s long term plan was to live on their trust fund and get their nails done. Because it is vacuous, and a 1m trust fund is not going to last for the next 60 years if you are dipping into it for daily living expenses.

I also honestly don’t think a life of doing nothing is particularly good for your MH, and I say this from having a DH whose work is lucrative but intermittent - if you have nothing to get out of bed for beyond going to the gym, it’s very easy to fall into depression.

But if this is either a gap year after uni, or if she is in a part time job because she’s either not sure what she wants to do career-wise, or didn’t get into a graduate training scheme, then good luck to her. You really don’t sound like you like her much OP.

You’ve posted at least once before about your jealousy. Although you’re changed some details, it’s very obvious that you’re the same poster.

She’s just graduated, why shouldn’t she take some time for herself? Most people go straight into work from university because they have no choice but to. She has a choice. That is her reality.

No, your sons don’t get the same as her. You didn’t get the same as her. Oh well. She doesn’t have to do what you did and what they will have to do in order to make you feel better.

Would you rather she was with a feckless wastrel of a man who leached off her? Sounds sensible for her to choose someone of means given she also has a lot of money. At least they know each other isn’t in it for the money.

Would it be great if she did something a bit more meaningful with her life? Yes. Is what’s she doing hurtful to herself or others? No.

I was waiting for the part she was wasting all the money on handbags and cocaine…

Sounds like she’s having a lovely time just as anyone would if they were 22 with a heap of money and a solid preparation for a career. She will likely do something a bit more of value as she matures. She may not. Either way I do not understand why it bothers you so much, very much the morality police.

You absolutely should leave him, for his daughter's sake. No one needs a jealous step mother

Wow lucky her, I'd be jealous too!

I bet she'd give it all up to have her mum.

It all depends on much spare money the DP has to spend on his DD and you!! Of course, if a person spends his or her wealth for good, deserving causes that would help all. 😀

You sound jealous

Jealousy is a very unattractive trait. He might leave you soon anyway with your attitude.

But surely that has nothing to do with the op?

Spending £2,000 on a dress for her birthday and furnishing her flat is over-the-top. Clearly your partner isn't short of money and spending £2,000 on a dress for his daughter is normal for him. Does your partner buy you lavish gifts and take you out etc? I can understand being irked if he wasn't particularly generous as a partner. I agree that it seems a waste to not use her qualifications and intelligence by carving out a career. However, I agree with others, that given the opportunity, wouldn't we all choose the easier, luxurious, part-time working lifestyle, if we could?!!! I know I would. Equally at 22, she's an adult, her Dad isn't 'letting' her do anything, it's her choice. The Trust fund, is her money, it has nothing to do with her Dad how she spends it (or doesn't). Unless she spends her Trust wisely, it won't last her long - at 22 she has many working years ahead. My concern would be the Trust running out, and suddenly she doesn't have the money to fund the lifestyle she has created. Would she then expect Dad to continue funding it? Or would she recognise that she needs to work full-time? I'd be more concerned that she has good, professional accountants, who can advise her along the way!!

There is no need to justify that you live on benefits. We have to do what we can to survive.
I have a son who relies on benefits due to mh issues and the number of people who say he needs to just buck his ideas up really fuck me off. 💐

Your jealousy is oozing....

When she was young he was hard on her, and it worked.

And now she's an adult and he recognises that it's no longer his place to be hard on her. She's graduated with an excellent degree and he can't turn off access to her money. And regardless of what she's doing with her life he'll probably always want to make a fuss of his daughter on her birthday.

Also what's relevant about the boyfriend being six years older? That would make him 28. Hardly a concerning age dynamic.

I’m in a couple of minds about this. This young person is unusual in having a lot of money. Part of me thinks good for her - she’s not slogging her guts out at a job she hates. I know that the OP mentions her A levels and degree … but things are still hard for young people these days. Even a great degree won’t necessarily open the doors at Slaughter & May.

On the other hand, we are not told what seven figures actually means. There’s a risk that it won’t end up being enough for her lifetime. Although the boyfriend is older and earns well, I would still have some concerns that he is interested in her money - people refer to “gold diggers” but hardly ever to fortune hunters. Making a point of treating her is a good move for a fortune hunter.

I remember being young and making friends at work - when things were hard or stressful it was fairly bonding. Not having that (and having an older boyfriend) has the potential to be isolating.

I have the impression (which may be false) that the husband is well off. It could be that this young woman is a bit like Pippa Middleton - she’ll always be well off and will marry someone who is also well off.

We are not told whether this young woman is a nice person. If she is then it is just that this is her normal life. I hate the phrase the “real world” because everyone’s real world is different.

Smacks of the Green Eyed Monster!

She only graduated this year, maybe she’s just enjoying life and making the most of it before getting a job in law? Or maybe she plans to continue living this way, you can’t really blame her a lot of people would do the same if they could!

However I do think DP sounds OTT with the spending…. 2k on a dress!? Does he also take you out/plan nice things to do and treat you to gifts?

If not then this is the real issue and yeah I would be pissed off and jealous too! I wouldn’t want to stay with a man who spoils his adult daughter but doesn’t make an effort in his relationship. I can’t imagine anyone being ok with that if they are being honest.

If he does make an effort in the relationship and treats you to days out and gifts also then YABU.

I think you’re projecting. Best of luck to your son.

If I was as young as this girl and had a law degree and all that money I would be still putting my law degree to good use and helping people who can't afford the expensive fees to defend themselves. I would look differently at OP boyfriend too for allowing her to be a princess. Just because you gave money doesn't mean you can't have passion for working.

You are looking for an excuse to leave your partner. Leave his daughter out of it.

She might have the 7 figure trust fund, she's lost her mother.

Give her a break.

You sound so jealous of his Daughter I’m guessing you don’t get spoilt of your DP and that’s why there’s so much resentment

Lots of my friends didn't rush straight into careers after graduation
I did several more years of university

Is it the money that makes her spoilt or her quite normal choice not to rush at life?

Shes kept going through school and university after losing her mum.

Law is an intense subject to study and even grads without trust funds often take time out afterwards or feel a bit lost after losing their appetite for hard work