I want to leave DP for the person he has allowed his DD to become

[Sillias]

Morning all,
So DP and I have been together for 10 years. He has a 22 year old daughter, her mother passed away 14 years ago.
Between the sale of her mothers business 14 years ago and more recently DP selling his and returning to regular work she had a 7 figure trustfund on turning 18.
She’s a smart kid, studied law etc. This year she graduated, bought a flat (still left the trust fund in 7 figures) and took on part time work which pays basically nothing. It’s fine though as she gets money out the trust fund every month. She only works as DP found her the job more or less.
She’s started dating a guy who’s 6 years older than her, he earns well. They’ve been dating for 7 months and he pays for her to have a monthly pamper weekend, takes her to ridiculous expensive restaurants.
DP also spoils her, he paid for tickets for several F1 races this year each time costing thousands, bought her a £2000 dress for her birthday. The flat it’s self was paid for from
the trust fund but all the decor/furnishing DP has paid for himself.

Now I’m frustrated. It’s not my money I get that, but she’s such a smart girl and it’s all going to waste for what? She’s turning into a bit of a princess and she’s so out of touch from the world. It’s making me really judge DP. When she was young he was hard on her, and it worked. She got 3 A* and an A on her A-levels, she graduated with a first class honours and she’s very intelligent and now he’s letting her spend her days doing nothing and being a spoiled princess.

WIBU to leave him over this? I just can’t stand it so much and it makes me look at him differently.

I would love to be able to afford to do fuck all all day. Good luck to her.

What exactly is your beef OP? Are you hoping to marry this man and you're worried there won't be enough of his money left for you?

I'd be happy for anyone I care about to have financial security and be spared a lifetime of soul-crushingly tedious jobs.

Aw OP, are you the same poster complaining about the daughter having the master bedroom?
If so, give it a rest.
If not, give it a rest too.
Jealousy is not becoming!

I feel sad for someone who lost her mum at age 8. I bet she would rather have her mum than a flat without mortgage.

My DF lost her mum at that age and the grief and sadness never leaves you.

you should leave your DP and take your jealousy somewhere else.

sounds like it!!
if she isn’t then there are definitely a lot of jealous women around!

I wonder how many of the last 10 years OP has felt like this?

Maybe she had in her mind that once the DD was raised and independent a ring would be on her finger ..... maybe this isnt happening?

If you share finances with your DP and are working your arse off to help fund her lifestyle and she's lolling around all day then I see that it would grate.

Equally if your DP is keeping your finances separate, you have a low income and you are working hard to support yourself and yet see your DP shelling out ££££ whilst you are in penury then yes, it would also piss me off.

But if you yourself don't work or have an easy hobby job, are supported by your high earning DP and secretly think that the money going to your SD should be yours or spent on you then, yeah, you are being unreasonable and jealous.

I'd honestly judge her more for working, she'd be taking a job someone may need when she really doesn't have any use for the money.

I don't think many of us would be slaving away in her circumstances, especially the hours law demands.

That's the problem with trust funds. If you take away the need to financially support yourself a person loses a sense of purpose in life and can just drift aimlessly from one thing to another with no pressure to make anything work. I have a friend in this position who has drifted from one thing to another over the years. She isn't happy, many issues and a serious drink problem. She also has a sibling who is the same. Even if I was massively wealthy I would never set my DC up like this. I would certainly be prepared to help them out but would always expect them to earn their own living.

I think it's the norm for the wealthy class.

Do you think you would behave differently if you never had to watch your pennies all your life?

There's some faulty English as well which stands out. Very odd post

She is essentially keeping her trust fund as a reserve. OP said she purchased property outright and still has seven figures left in her trust fund. The interest on that sum alone would allone, even if it's not working anywhere near as hard as it could, would be at minimun £20,000 a year, and that's if the seven figures referred to is just a straight million and not any more. She is presumably topping her part-time salary up to somewhere between £30,000 and £50,000 on that, depending on how high-powered this part-time job is, and with housing costs making up a third of most people's incomes, she has the equivalent of a £40,000 to £65,000 a year income without depleting the original figure. And realistically, a million pounds in reserve is enough money to get through almost any life event, including you or your partner being permanently incapacitated and unable to work for the rest of your life, so allowing the money she has to accumulate interest for no reason instead of using some of it to have an easier life is probably overly cautious.

I feel that the daughter (and her trust fund) isn't really the issue. Do you feel 'spoilt' by your DP?

I would leave a DP if I didn't feel cherished and loved by him regardless of what he was spending and on whom. You do deserve to feel loved and cherished by your partner (but you can't dictate what he spends on his daughter).

I feel like this is at least the 3rd iteration I've read of this story so either there's a few young women with remarkably similar circumstances or OP keeps coming back hoping people will agree with her this time.
Not your money, not your daughter, not your business. If you can't get over your envy and resentment of her then yes you should end your involvement with this family.

So she graduated a couple of months ago? She's allowed a bit of a break. Most 22 year olds don't earn much straight out of uni, I was on minimum wage in a 30 hour job in a desirable, underpaid sector. How many hours, in which sector?

Sounds like she got some good financial advice. No rent or mortgage, work to live, live off interest. I'd do the same.

I thought you were going to say she scammed old people for the pension money or kicked puppies for fun. In the grand scheme of things, not working when you genuinely don’t need to doesn’t make you a bad or immoral person.

A relaxed woman! We can’t have that.

I think you could choose to take this as an opportunity to unpick why you are so upset and judging your partner so much for this and what is making you insecure. Did you also post a while back about your husbands estate planning?

I voted unreasonable as your question was ‘should I break up over this’ and I think you need to explore this with a therapist and also calm chats with your husband, once you’re able to not be angry and judgemental and can be constructive. Yes some of this is problematic, however some of this is not.

Lucky kid. I’m jealous, sounds like OP is too.

@Sillias This is really ridiculous. She's 23 years old, the train has left and none of your business because she doesn't live with you.

This is the kind of woman who gives stepmothers (like me) a bad name

This is a good question op, what is it provoking in you? For me it would be envy not jealousy I don’t think but just gosh how different some people have it. But also you are looking at her bereavement through an adults eyes and unless you’ve been a bereaved child I’m not sure you can place yourself in her shoes.

Whether or not your husband raised his daughter well is neither here nor there; neither does it matter if she's spoiled or wasting her potential. Everyone will have a different opinion. The crux of the matter is why this bothers you enough that you're contemplating leaving him over it. She's an adult, but she'll be a permanent fixture in your life if you stay with her father. Either you accept and ignore whatever you dislike about her/her lifestyle or you leave him. You don't need anyone's permission to do so. No opinion matters more than your own, so why do you feel you need approval?

I'm sure you posted this before. Leave. You are jealous and it will be better for everyone

I don’t see how this affects you. I wouldn’t leave a good relationship because of the life choices of a third party, which had zero bearing on my relationship.

His adult daughter makes choices you don’t agree with. So what?

Unless it’s because he doesn’t treat you well?