I want to leave DP for the person he has allowed his DD to become

[Sillias]

Morning all,
So DP and I have been together for 10 years. He has a 22 year old daughter, her mother passed away 14 years ago.
Between the sale of her mothers business 14 years ago and more recently DP selling his and returning to regular work she had a 7 figure trustfund on turning 18.
She’s a smart kid, studied law etc. This year she graduated, bought a flat (still left the trust fund in 7 figures) and took on part time work which pays basically nothing. It’s fine though as she gets money out the trust fund every month. She only works as DP found her the job more or less.
She’s started dating a guy who’s 6 years older than her, he earns well. They’ve been dating for 7 months and he pays for her to have a monthly pamper weekend, takes her to ridiculous expensive restaurants.
DP also spoils her, he paid for tickets for several F1 races this year each time costing thousands, bought her a £2000 dress for her birthday. The flat it’s self was paid for from
the trust fund but all the decor/furnishing DP has paid for himself.

Now I’m frustrated. It’s not my money I get that, but she’s such a smart girl and it’s all going to waste for what? She’s turning into a bit of a princess and she’s so out of touch from the world. It’s making me really judge DP. When she was young he was hard on her, and it worked. She got 3 A* and an A on her A-levels, she graduated with a first class honours and she’s very intelligent and now he’s letting her spend her days doing nothing and being a spoiled princess.

WIBU to leave him over this? I just can’t stand it so much and it makes me look at him differently.

I'd be annoyed at the £2000 that's bonkers let her spend her own money she seems cute enough to let daddy pay for everything and not touch her own money , would I leave my husband over spending money that wasn't mine or didn't impact our lives no I don't think I would .

She's only graduated this year, from an intense course studying law, maybe she wants to decompress for a bit and lucky for her she can afford to.

Why is it a "waste" if she doesn't do something with her degree or intelligence? I'm sure there's more to her than her intellect. Perhaps she wants to travel, paint, sing, care for animals, who knows, will you look at these as wasteful pursuits??

how is any of this your business?

Is it her ££££££ or her personality that enrages you so?

I think it must be the £££££ because she must have some immense personality to have endured the worst that a childhood can throw at you and not just be staill standing or coping but thriving.

Those 3 A Stars and her law degree didnt drop on her lap - she would have worked incredibly hard to achieve those. She is only 22 so just graduated - maybe she is taking a well earned pause right now.

Whats wrong with her buying a flat - would it only be accepable to you if she worked full time and paid market rent?

Whats wrong with her Dad expressing his love and support for his bereaved daughter as she moves into the adult world by furnishing her flat?

Whats wrong with her BF treating her to pamper weekends - how should he choose to spend his money that would be acceptable to you? Maybe he sees pamper weekends as a priority to combat the seething but silent hostility that they all sense she endures from you.

I note he is your DP....does that rankle?

Also, at 22, after being made to study hard for A levels then finishing a degree, maybe she sees this as a bit of a gap year?

OP

You're jealous

It isn't a good look

Leave him. He'll be better for it, and you won't love being so miserable at someone else being comfortable

Unless there’s something massive that you aren’t mentioning, on the lines that DH treats his DD but ignored your birthday, anniversary, never treats you at other times etc, then it sounds very unfair blaming either DH or his DS. He can’t force her to do anything. She’s an adult. He hasn’t let her not work. It’s her choice and she can afford not to do so. He could guilt trip her or shout at her I suppose, but then that would be ridiculous and inappropriate and poor parenting.

Some people, despite being highly intelligent and able, are not career driven or ambitious. DH ensured she studied at school and she reaped the benefits of that. What she then chooses to do with her qualifications is up to her.

I’ve learned on MN not to assume what “partner” means, as different people have different definitions. Are you saying that he’s spending your joint family money on £2k dresses and F1 tickets for DD? If so, this would annoy me. Or are you the type of partners who have separate finances and homes, in which case, he can do what he wants with his money. I need more context here.

It’s up to DD what she does with her education, just like some women get great degrees and choose to become SAHMs. The good news is that she has the education, and can fall back on it if she needs to in the future. She has options. It’s also up to her BF how he spends his money on her—you can’t control that.

If she’d finished uni and had a gap year before starting work ( and she didn’t have loads of money) I bet you’d not be bothered. She’s working , a lot of people would do different more fulfilling jobs if they weren’t driven by the salary. She’s only 22, not exactly been idling for years.

I’m sure she’d trade all the money in the world to have her mum back.
She’s not ‘lucky’ at all as a pp said. Her mum is dead.
I wouldn’t work if I had that much money. I’d be off travelling the world and making the most of my youth. You sound jealous of her

Aren't we supposed to make the lives of the next generation easier than what we had?

And each of those many days of her milestone achievements (A levels, Uni, first home, new boyfriend) will be also be heartbreaking as her Mum isnt there to share them with her .... and she has a lifetime of this ahead of her - engagment, wedding, babies - always bittersweet and lonesome inside.

You can leave him for any reason you like. It’s up to his daughter how she lives her life, maybe she thinks fuck it I could die young like my mum so why not live it up instead of work my bum off when I don’t need to.

But if you don’t think his and your values are aligned and this is eating at you, then yes why not end it.

She’s 22, just finished uni. Just because she isn’t working in a full time training position doesn’t mean she won’t.

let her enjoy herself.
what her boyfriend spends on her is nothing to do with her dad. 2,000 for a dress sounds a lot but for a special occasion if you can afford it then why not

Oh come on. This is a young woman with good qualifications who is choosing to do fuck all all day, and her own father is enabling this.

Yes, OP, I would leave him over it. I would lose all respect for him. If you do otherwise really like him it would be worth having a really tough conversation, but if he resisted, I'd be off.

I would go off him a bit - he doesn't really need to 'princess' her as she can afford to do it for herself. I wouldn't find that attractive at all. Personally, I'd be horrified to raise a child to adulthood who had no wish to do anything altruistic if they had lots of time and money to burn. But that's me.

What's so great about flogging yourself to death on a 9 to 5 if you can work part time on something you like (for virtually nothing) while enjoying a lovely lifestyle with no money worries. Wouldn't that be most people's ideal and what many hope for in retirement if they can.

Leave him for whatever reason that you like. But attempting to use the threat of leaving to wrangle discord between him and his dd makes you the dick.

Oh OP - get really curious with yourself. Why does this bother you so much?

she is smart + well provided for. It’s absolutely not your concern at all. She’s an adult.

is it a political thing? Your feel that everyone should have the same and everyone should have to work for it? If so - how are you levelling the playing field for people who have less than you?

do you live together and share finances. In which case it would annoy me yes otherwise there is nothing you can do about it.

Yeah, jealousy does make you look at things differently.

This is very much a you problem so leave your dp and let them be happy

I don't see a current problem. She's just got more money than most people.

She's also lost her mum and is only 22 - your DP obviously enjoys spoiling her a little and she can just afford to take her time trying to figure things out.

You sound jealous tbh.

What has her trust fund got to do with you? How do you think she should be spending it? She lost her mum at 8 and your partner lost his wife. Thank goodness they had put sensible measures in place to make sure your partner and his daughter didn't have to worry about finances. You sound horribly jealous. Would you be happy if not only she had a dead mum but was struggling financially?

She's 22, has access to her own trust fund, and sounds as if she's having a nice life. She's not costing you any money, and she's not taking anything away from you, so why would you leave your partner?

What do you expect him to do? Tell her to shop in Matalan instead of Armani? Tell her to spend 50 hours a week working because it's what you think she should be doing? Tell her to go and find a different boyfriend that doesn't treat her nicely and look after her?

You sound unbelievably jealous. Jealous that she only works part time and is happy with it. Jealous that she has a nice boyfriend who does nice things for her. Jealous that she has a nice place to live. Jealous that she doesn't have to worry about money. Jealous that your partner is buying nice presents for his daughter.

Deal with your own jealousy.

Not your daughter.

Not your money.

Not your business.

If you're going to spend the rest of the relationship feeling jealous and irked, then yes leaving him might be the best option.