My mum’s views are really making me angry

[Blackbird23]

My parents have recently moved to a new build house, around 18 months ago.
Now more new build estates are going up in and around the same area and my mum is constantly complaining about them and how they’re ruining the ‘ambience’ of the area! I have to keep telling her she’s living in one, and it’s almost like pull the ladder up jack mentality, but she doesn’t see the irony at all, or chooses not to.

She also came from a council house when she was younger and keeps saying things like “oh I hope it won’t be a council estate, I can’t think of anything worse!”

And then going on about people not working and claiming benefits, but she didn’t work at all after we were born. So hasn’t worked for 30+ years (she’s 65 now)

AiBU here or is this just ridiculous?

Why is it making you so angry? Why do you care about what she thinks about where she lives?

I have this with both my parents not on housing but on other contentious matters. I find some of their views really challenging and borderline offensive. I find that I need to distance myself on occasions which is hard as they are getting older.

Possibly because the person is her mother ? Someone you are expected to have a lot of dealings with( someone who you would hope you could love and respect and it hurts when you can't

I think exasperated is the word you're looking for and most of us experience it to some degree with either parents or grandparents.

If this was me I'd amusingly say ' wow, what a hypocrite' and shut down any supposed justification

I think there's a mindset when you begin to feel a bit older and vulnerable and it makes people mean. Does she get out much?

@Haroldwilson
Not at all. It’s just her and my dad most of them. She doesn’t really see anyone else.

She also came from a council house when she was younger and keeps saying things like “oh I hope it won’t be a council estate, I can’t think of anything worse!”

Anyone who lived in a council estate would say the same - they aren’t the best places to live, cold, cramped, drugs, knives, a man was murdered the day we moved in, by two teen girls after his little money he had saved.

And then going on about people not working and claiming benefits, but she didn’t work at all after we were born. So hasn’t worked for 30+ years (she’s 65 now)

Was she supported by the state or her husband?

Not all council estates are slum estates - I think that's quite a horrible generalisation

Although I do think mixed estates are the best

Hypocrisy winds me up too. I always think you cheeky bugger.

In all honesty i find when people aren't proud of their lives/past or fear something, they do what they can to mentally make it as far from them as possible.
So if she was ashamed of being council housed, she may be removing herself from any part of that identity. If she feels down about never working or regrets not having a career she might in her head of thought of all the excuses why she is different from others who didn't work.

Ha - yes. My mother liked to complain about economic migrants until I pointed out that her son had moved to Australia for a better job and way of life, and she was therefore the mother of an economic migrant.

Did she claim benefits when she stopped working after you?

I'd start calling her Hyacinth.

I mean if my Mum was moaning about these things I'd just ignore it or point out she's being a hypocrit. I wouldn't get angry.

Op your Mother has experience of living on a council estate. Actual experience, it doesn't make her a hypocrite it makes her informed.
She didn't work as she had a family to raise as was the norm then. She can have an opinion on benefit claimants.

In an attempt to be liberal minded you are in fact missing the point completely. Which is usually the case with liberals.

I sort of get it but she wants to feel she’s moved on. I grew up in a council estate in a very tough area. I worked really hard to get educated and now move in a lovely village with a new car and beautiful large home. Your mum doesn’t want to go back there but she doesn’t have the financial means due to her lack of employment. So she’s stuck

she will have to suck it up. It doesn’t make her bad. I would ignore!

Lots of people talk allsorts of shit just zone out let her have her little rant and then change the subject. No point in arguing about it or stressing out over it, it's not worth it

The main bugbear I have is the complaining about new builds when she’s in one herself!

Do you have experience of living on or near a council estate. DCs' first school was inside one, between three buildings - two fights between residents on the doorstep as we were walking to school, group of kids threw a glass bottle that nearly hit us, friend of ours had a gun flashed at him walking his kids home, dangerous dogs not on leads and I saw the walker swearing at and intimidating a man who told him to put the dog on a lead - had to swerve round the fight with the buggy. Another man punched a parent in the face for allegedly getting too close to his parked car with a bike - again had to swerve out of the way with the buggy otherwise they would have hit my child.

My grandmother (90) is German. Her husband was Polish

She voted for brexit

The irony was not lost on me

As others have said, your mum is perfectly entitled not to want to be surrounded by a council estate. They can be problematic places. I know, I live on one. I assume she was brought up on one and therefore it wasn't her choice to live there. She's moved on and is proud of that fact. When you say she didn't work, it's very different being a housewife supported by your husband to claiming benefits. I think your point of view on that one is rather odd.

As somebody who grew up on a council estate and has been able to move out into a nice quiet village, I agree there would be nothing worse than living on or next to a council estate. They are dangerous and scary places to live.

It is often the champagne socialists who have no lived experience of living on council estates that like to tell the rest of us how they're absolutely fine and really not a bad place to live and we're bad people for looking down on them.

I assume you haven't lived on a council estate since your mum moved out of one? Perhaps she knows better than you about how awful they are.

It’s tiresome being around a judgemental, hypocritical person.

I grew up on one, it was neither dangerous nor scary. Understandable that your unfortunate experience would affect your view now but it’s not that status quo.

I live very close to a council estate (across the road and up a bit) and it's neither dangerous nor scary. They aren't all the same.