My mum’s views are really making me angry

[Blackbird23]

My parents have recently moved to a new build house, around 18 months ago.
Now more new build estates are going up in and around the same area and my mum is constantly complaining about them and how they’re ruining the ‘ambience’ of the area! I have to keep telling her she’s living in one, and it’s almost like pull the ladder up jack mentality, but she doesn’t see the irony at all, or chooses not to.

She also came from a council house when she was younger and keeps saying things like “oh I hope it won’t be a council estate, I can’t think of anything worse!”

And then going on about people not working and claiming benefits, but she didn’t work at all after we were born. So hasn’t worked for 30+ years (she’s 65 now)

AiBU here or is this just ridiculous?

The woman concerned is now 65, so was probably born in 1959. I am two years younger than that. I can tell you for a fact that it was not by any means the norm for women of my age to stop work and never return after having children, it was actually extremely unusual. Some of us took a few years out of the workplace and went back when our children were school age. Even that was becoming less common in our area (Inner London) in the 1990s. Most women I know took maternity leave of a few months and then went back to their jobs, full-time or part-time.

Perhaps you are thinking of the 1950s when there was no maternity leave or pay and women were sometimes not allowed to stay on in a job after marriage or having children. That was 40 years earlier than the times the OP is writing about.

YABU. Do you have your own life?
If yes, why do you give a 💩?

But why are you letting it bug you? What difference does it make to your life?

My mother comes out with all sorts of mad shit all the time like this. I just laugh or let it wash over me

All you can do is remind her of that and that her house will have ruined someone else’s area!

I see what you mean OP. I think it’s a form of cognitive dissonance and othering. A way of distancing herself from negative connotations she has experienced in the past perhaps, regarding the council estate.

I see this incongruent behaviour all the time. A common example is someone who claims benefits stating about all the ‘benefit scroungers’ even though they don’t consider themselves that (and the vast majority of claimants aren’t). People who negatively comment on the weight of others, despite being overweight themselves. Parents criticising others parenting skills, when they themselves were abusive parents. Etc etc.

It’s fascinating but also frustrating!

Parents can be exasperating. I understand where you’re coming from. Just ignore it, she’ll never change.

Only if you let it wind you up or engage with it.

Unless 100% of the conversation is around council housing and new builds, I’m sure there’s plenty of other things a mother and daughter could be talking about

I would understand this if OP was talking about the stranger across the street but she’s talking about her Mother. One would presume they spend a fair bit of time together.

I'm 61. Will have to work till I drop. Awful ex husbands wrecked me emotionally and financially.

I am neither mean nor bitter. I still rent. I wish there were more building, more new homes. I wish everyone well.

It's not an age thing. It's a nasty NIMBY thing!

In what fantasy world are council estates being built? I wish

I ignore everything my mother says otherwise Id jump off a cliff.

What are "council estates"? In my experience they are mostly bought houses these days and lot of the people living in them are professionals who are just grateful to get a house.
The few remaining tenancies can sometimes be problematic yes but there are so many rentals everywhere that you can't guarantee who your neighbours will be!
I've lived in social housing and ex social housing since my 20s and haven't had any massive problems.
I appreciate there are some places which are truly horrible.

Sometimes people just can be narrow minded and snobby but mainly they don't like change.
Just laugh about it to her face.

My sister can easily let our mother’s ridiculous comments go over her head and laugh about it to me, but I’m the opposite and feel her winding me up and get cross about her comments. It’s a difference in personality. I wish I was more like my sister as she is laid back about this.

The estate problem, I can see happening all around. I live in a semi-rural area and village expansion is going on all the time. I think people move to a place, into a small new estate of houses-the village or town hasn't essentially lost its character. What those people don't realise is that this expansion is going to continue, new executive estate by new executive estate until the original centre becomes swamped by development. Traffic becomes a real problem and the area changes character.
I'm not arguing for or against the process but I have watched the process happening near enough to where I live.

A lot of my family lived on two council estates and they were places that I visited often but never had to live on. They are awful. Some are certainly ok, my friend grew up on one and it remains a nice estate though quite a lot of the houses have been bought under right to buy now.

People need points now to go up the list, problems means extra points. So for every nice family that has points because they have a child with a disability or are escaping DV there are applicants that have problems that will spill out of their house literally in to the street. My mate had a man and women have a fight with a friend of theirs over drugs with an axe a door down from her. Police were always round there because of their shenanigans.

People can be awful in every single road rich or poor but on council estates it’s more likely to spill out on to the street.

I get it OP. We have this with Fil, it can be very draining. He bangs on about his "Christian" faith all the time, his bible study classes, how wonderful his minister is, how interesting the sermon was that week. But then he tells us how he's cheering on Israel as "they should kill as many of those bloody Arabs as they can" that's a direct quote by the way. How very bloody Christian of him 🙄
That's just one example of how nasty he's becoming in his old age. He has zero empathy. Dh finds it really difficult, it gets him down.

Like the OP then I guess. She says she gets angry but I can’t get my head around that

We pour my DM an extra glass of wine at Christmas and get the bingo card out

Same with my parents. I think their age, lapping up everything they read in the Daily Fail and a general bitterness about how they lives have panned out are, in their case, huge contributing factors.

But it's very hard to listen to at times.

I mean if my Mum was moaning about these things I'd just ignore it or point out she's being a hypocrit. I wouldn't get angry.

///

I find my anger/upset comes from seeing someone I love dearly becoming so intolerant, lacking in compassion and occasionally gleeful of the circumstances of others ... it is at times very hard to listen to.

Agree
I don't any know any like that (can't comment on the murder)
Quite often good sized bed rooms.
Mil was warm.
Fil's 2 bed bungalow council put in new heating (and solor) before he moved in.

I take your point about living in a new build herself, but maybe she feels the area is being overdeveloped?

I also think she's within her rights not to want to live on a council estate if her own experience was bad, and there's nothing wrong with having been a SAHM, especially in that era. The benefits thing would annoy me a bit, yes there are always going to be a minority of people who (try to) take advantage but benefits in this country aren't that generous, or easy to get. In general though I tune out this kind of thing from my parents, they're entitled to their ill-informed views 🙃. It probably doesn't come from a malicious place. Maybe you'll be saying the 'wrong' thing one day and annoying your children.

She didn’t work at all?
Bringing up children isn’t work?

I am assuming OP means paid work e.g employment. Bringing up children is not considered being employed.

Btw yes I have lived in a council house on a council estate

I used to bite my tongue most of the time but sometimes not be able to and have blazing rows with my dad in particular.

One that always set me off was him moaning about shopping in Aldi or Lidl because they are German.