To not want to be my husbands PA?

[Forgetaboutit]

Me and DH work full time, we don’t have any children. I work Monday to Friday and he works Monday to Thursday and then also one or two days at the weekend doing his own jobs. He doesn’t ALWAYS take these jobs on, because sometimes he will have a break at the weekends to do things with me or just to relax, but it’s good for getting extra money in.

Over the past few months he has been getting so much extra work that it’s getting overwhelming for him. I suggested just saying no to people because he can only do so much and he is going to wear himself down! He won’t listen to me. His head is all over the place because he cannot organise himself and manage his workload. He will often triple book things and then be like “ah shit, I said I’d do this thing for x but now I’ve agreed to do this for y on the same day” and then I’ll pipe up and say “you also have a dentist appointment that day” or something. He is so bad at remembering things and organisation. He jokingly suggested that I manage his diary for him, but his mum and dad jumped on this and said what a brilliant idea!! That is what needs to happen etc. I understand that it will take some pressure off him, but why should I have to do more work? I already have my own things to organise and remember. I have to remind him constantly of his plans and appointments, now I have to organise his work diary for him too? Once, his dad text me saying “John has an appointment on 8th august, please could you make a note of it and make sure he doesn’t forget?” I wanted to reply to him saying “please text John as it is his appointment and will need to remember it for himself as he’s an adult” but instead I just ignored the text, told John the date and expected him to remember it. I feel like he has been treated this way by his parents and has never had to organise himself or remember things for himself because they did it for him and now are expecting me to do the same!

AIBU to not want to take control of his work diary for him? I know it will take the pressure off himself and I do want to help him out where I can. So part of me thinks just do it, what’s the harm? But then another part of me thinks it’s just enabling his lack of organisation.

Maybe there’s a halfway house. You work with him to set up a system that he can manage himself

Put up a white board he can write all his appointments on there, himself.

Don't start organising his diary or it will become your job, forever.

does he have a paper calender

he doesn’t have a paper calendar but he does have a diary himself… he just forgets to write his appointments and jobs in there!! So he never remembers them and double books or gets texts for something the day before saying “what time will you be here tomorrow” and then starts panicking because he forgot about it. It’s so unprofessional. I want to be supportive but I also want him to overcome this himself

well a white board or a paper calendar would be ideal

If you start doing it, you’ll forever be expected to do it and will be resentful. Help him get better organised himself if needed. Let him fail so he gets consequences.
His parents can do it themselves if they think it’s such a wonderful idea.

YANBU unless he's going to pay you for your time. He needs to get on the habit of putting things into his phone calendar, this would then give you reminders.

He's a grown man, he either gets more organised himself or he pays for someone to do it for him.

I use my calendar on my phone for everything. Can he do that? He'll always have it with him then.

Can he not use the calendar on his phone? We also have a joint one so when I book things in for me I can also see family commitments in the same place , it's for him to manage though not you

Urgh fuck that. I'd be doubling down on that fairly quickly. Send him messages about your appointments and ask him to remind you.

He’s a fucking adult! He needs to manage himself, probably with a paper calendar or diary as well as on phone/laptop…

we share stuff on calendars on your phone - but also have a family calendar in the wall with kids stuff, dentists etc all
written for all to see. We’re
responsible for adding to it.

As a family we have a shared Google calendar, everyone has their own colour so I can see when Ds1 is out for the evening etc. Everyone can see what things are booked and as it is accessible via phones as well as computers it is easy to manage and update.

What system are you using yourself to stay organised? I used to use a paper diary but it was easier for everyone to see on the online calendar if we had things planned as a family for the children to be able to arrange things without clashing.

You can also toggle on and off which diaries you want to see. You are a team, work together to set this up, you have to share your calendar with him and you can colour code stuff for you or stuff for both of you.

Is he an adult or a child? He either sorts it out himself or pays an agency PA to do it. You are not his mother, how about suggesting she does it instead?

Perhaps he should pay a virtual PA? Consider it part of the costs of doing business

Guessed he is a tradesman? They all seem chronically disorganised and reluctant to pay for admin support

It sounds like he is a self employed tradesman?

If his core days are Mon to Thurs and he does some of these extra jobs at the weekend could he not allocate Friday morning to do admin so he makes sure his diary is up to date?

Unelss we are very senior we all have to do this. I have to spend Friday mornings in my office job making sure I am across my diary for the next week and have scheduled all my tasks. He should be no different.

My dad is a self employed farmer and he has always allocated a couple of hours on Sunday aftetnoons to do his admin.

Depends how much money this extra work brings in and whether it's "his money" or "family money".

You're a team - if the answer to "why should I have to do extra work?" Is "Because you'll be better off" then it's worth considering.

I'm sympathetic to the disorganised DH struggle. It has taken 4 years to train mine to use our shared calendar and he's still shit at it, I've had to openly mock him for him to realise how ridiculous he's been, and to seriously inconvenience him a couple of times for him to start paying attention to it.

I can't imagine being a parent of a grown man and not being embarrassed to send that text. My Mum would never send such a text to my SIL about my brother (who has a p.a anyway)as she would rightly reply that he was a grown man. My MIL is a feminist and so wouldn't send this to me, they are all on their 70s!

Most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Instead of contacting you or his Dad about his new appointments, he can just you know, write them in the fucking diary. I would completely back away and let him deal with the consequences of making a hash of this. No dental reminders etc. etc. Not your problem.

YANBU.
F that.

I fell into this trap for years, to the point DH didn’t even bother opening his own mail because I was the unofficial PA. Car tax ran out….my fault. Missed an appointment….my fault. Prescription not requested…tax return not done….my fault. Then he started using me as google. I think a simple ‘how long will it take me to get from A to B at 4pm’ whilst scrolling Facebook on his phone was the final snapping point. It’s exhausting!

I went on reminder strike, but made it clear I was on strike. We not have a giant calendar in the wall. Everything goes on there, if he can’t be arsed to look and misses something I just silently point a finger at the calendar, he has dramatically improved.

I put everything on my phone calendar with notifications but it is not always effective with me, I'm not sure why but I find a To do list pad and physical calendar more helpful and satisfactory as you can cross things off and feel like you are on top of things.

I don't know how having you to sort his diary will help as he will probably forget to tell you what he's booked in.

You do this, you become his mummy.

I use AirPods for all my phone calls. Everything that gets booked gets in the phone calendar IMMEDIATELY as I am on the phone. He can’t forget or double / triple book this way. Also if he shares it with you you can add ad-hoc stuff. My Apple Watch also shows my next appointments.

You are partially doing it already.
You said 'its good for getting the extra money in' so it sounds as if you are benefitting too from his extra work. Can you not look at it as your contribution to this extra money available to your family?
Once there is a recognised system set up it should be easy to manage.