To not want to be my husbands PA?

[Forgetaboutit]

Me and DH work full time, we don’t have any children. I work Monday to Friday and he works Monday to Thursday and then also one or two days at the weekend doing his own jobs. He doesn’t ALWAYS take these jobs on, because sometimes he will have a break at the weekends to do things with me or just to relax, but it’s good for getting extra money in.

Over the past few months he has been getting so much extra work that it’s getting overwhelming for him. I suggested just saying no to people because he can only do so much and he is going to wear himself down! He won’t listen to me. His head is all over the place because he cannot organise himself and manage his workload. He will often triple book things and then be like “ah shit, I said I’d do this thing for x but now I’ve agreed to do this for y on the same day” and then I’ll pipe up and say “you also have a dentist appointment that day” or something. He is so bad at remembering things and organisation. He jokingly suggested that I manage his diary for him, but his mum and dad jumped on this and said what a brilliant idea!! That is what needs to happen etc. I understand that it will take some pressure off him, but why should I have to do more work? I already have my own things to organise and remember. I have to remind him constantly of his plans and appointments, now I have to organise his work diary for him too? Once, his dad text me saying “John has an appointment on 8th august, please could you make a note of it and make sure he doesn’t forget?” I wanted to reply to him saying “please text John as it is his appointment and will need to remember it for himself as he’s an adult” but instead I just ignored the text, told John the date and expected him to remember it. I feel like he has been treated this way by his parents and has never had to organise himself or remember things for himself because they did it for him and now are expecting me to do the same!

AIBU to not want to take control of his work diary for him? I know it will take the pressure off himself and I do want to help him out where I can. So part of me thinks just do it, what’s the harm? But then another part of me thinks it’s just enabling his lack of organisation.

Yuk! How unsexy is a man who can't even manage his own diary

No way would I take on his admin work.
You work 5/7, he works 4/7 so if he wants to take on work to make up that additional day he needs to manage the admin OR he could find a 5/7 job like you.

And he needs to manage his personal admin, like you do for yourself.

This is really giving me the ick - I'd make sure he knew that too

How old is he, 5?

Bloody hell, no, you are not his secretary! Tell him everything needs to be on the shared diary-we have the shared calendar app on our phones so I can see my DH’s shifts and he can see my Parents’ Evenings. No way am I reminding him of his dentist appointments or anything else-he’s a competent adult. I’m happy to organise the dog walker around his shifts, but I don’t have to remind him of anything. We both work full time.

I feel your pain!
I work with DH for our own company and he is unable to say no to anyone who asks him to do something except me or DC (work related stuff, favours, voluntary roles)

I suspected a long time ago he is ND and I think this plays a part in finding it difficult to organise himself. I often suggests making lists or having a white board and I take that on at work (although he verbally agrees lots of things that don't get added to the list if I don't know about/hear about them) but he struggles with personal stuff too and taking responsibility for it
We used to have a joint email (we still do but only I check it) I told him he had an email about a sports weekend he was going on. He asked me what it said. I told him I hadn't opened or read it as i wasnt going. He duly went on the sports weekend but couldn't find BIL and the other people he was meant to meet there because he went to the wrong venue. But that didn't really help him learn the lesson of checking emails, he just blamed another family member for allegedly telling him the wrong place!!

You don’t want to do this job. So don’t. Perfectly reasonable not to start doing it. I wouldn’t. And agree with others who say that once you start, you’ll have to do it forever more!!

I wondered about a virtual PA but it sounds like this guy would forget to tell them the appointments he makes.

OP don't do it. Be very clear that you don't want to do it. If his dad texts you an appointment do not forward it to your DP. You say to your father "please text John directly".

BTW are you thinking of having kids with this guy??)

His behaviour is unattractive and his problem.

His parents should mind their own business and not seek to involve you in parenting their adult son!

No, don't do any of his organising, he will never learn. What happens if something happens to you? Or you miss something and you are too blame, no thank you! If his dad messages you , just forward it on to him.

If his parents think this PA thing is such a good idea, tell them to do it.

Tell him you want paying as his PA.

All these ND men - or perhaps they are just selfish, useless, lazy ......

It is not hard for him to go on his calendar and type a job in

Why can't your DH manage his own calendar anyway? It is so easy with Outlook and similar tools. I manage my own pretty complicated work calendar without any stress whatsoever! This smells like strategic incompetence which is so often used as a deliberate ploy by men to get the women in their lives running around after them. Clearly learned from his parents.

So the suggestion is to be his PA because he can't be arsed! Honestly there is nothing more attractive than a lazy adult.

If he needs an assistant he hires one. If he needs to be more organised there's hundreds of books and ways. Why can't he sort his own solution.

I find the absolute lack of self management unbelievably ick. Do not become his pa.

Ask him how it will work, if he agrees to a job but doesn't tell you.
If he says that oh no worries, he will definitely remember to tell you to put it in the calendar - well he might as well tell Siri/Alexa/Google etc?

do be his PA but coach him in dairy and time management then leave him to it

Can his parents not act as his unpaid PAs since they seem to think he needs one and haven’t got anything else to do other than try to organise your time for you?

He can’t cope with the work he already has, without adding livestock and milk lorries into the mix!

Assuming he has a smart phone, he can just talk into the phone to set a date on the calendar

I have ADHD (diagnosed) and my husband really helps me with this aspect of my life as it’s really, really, REALLY difficult for me. I have tried many techniques and paper / online calendars but none seem to help me. In fact one big problem i have is putting the appt in the wrong day - i seem to have a real blindness to this & have all my life. I am so grateful to him for helping me, I appreciate it so much and I hope that in other areas where he needs my support, he gets it.

Is he an employee of theirs or is he self-employed?

Indeed and tbh as someone with AuDHD getting people to " help " you manage this aspect you struggle with doesn't really work, the person who has the struggle needs to find a way that works for them.
For me I open all post in the kitchen right infront of the echo display, I also look through my emails and texts once a day to specifically put things on the calendar.

It took me a long time to find the thing that worked for me but it helps tremendously.

100%

And actually one of the things I have learned is that getting tips from naturally organised people doesn't work for me, it just makes me feel worse about myself

Difficult, if he is working these extra jobs to benefit both of you and this is something he struggles with, I'd probably help him come up with a system. I certainly wouldn't take responsibility for him remembering, but a 'household system ' that you can both contribute to perhaps.

Dont understand why he cant use his phone calendar...

Id find this behaviour so unattractive