To not want to be my husbands PA?

[Forgetaboutit]

Me and DH work full time, we don’t have any children. I work Monday to Friday and he works Monday to Thursday and then also one or two days at the weekend doing his own jobs. He doesn’t ALWAYS take these jobs on, because sometimes he will have a break at the weekends to do things with me or just to relax, but it’s good for getting extra money in.

Over the past few months he has been getting so much extra work that it’s getting overwhelming for him. I suggested just saying no to people because he can only do so much and he is going to wear himself down! He won’t listen to me. His head is all over the place because he cannot organise himself and manage his workload. He will often triple book things and then be like “ah shit, I said I’d do this thing for x but now I’ve agreed to do this for y on the same day” and then I’ll pipe up and say “you also have a dentist appointment that day” or something. He is so bad at remembering things and organisation. He jokingly suggested that I manage his diary for him, but his mum and dad jumped on this and said what a brilliant idea!! That is what needs to happen etc. I understand that it will take some pressure off him, but why should I have to do more work? I already have my own things to organise and remember. I have to remind him constantly of his plans and appointments, now I have to organise his work diary for him too? Once, his dad text me saying “John has an appointment on 8th august, please could you make a note of it and make sure he doesn’t forget?” I wanted to reply to him saying “please text John as it is his appointment and will need to remember it for himself as he’s an adult” but instead I just ignored the text, told John the date and expected him to remember it. I feel like he has been treated this way by his parents and has never had to organise himself or remember things for himself because they did it for him and now are expecting me to do the same!

AIBU to not want to take control of his work diary for him? I know it will take the pressure off himself and I do want to help him out where I can. So part of me thinks just do it, what’s the harm? But then another part of me thinks it’s just enabling his lack of organisation.

Don't do it, not even if he pays you (I see a previous poster mentioning payment), he chooses to take on the jobs and he needs to organise himself in order to do them. And stop reminding him of his appointments, one reminder and that's it, if he forgets it's on him. Remember the more you do, the more you'll be expected to do, if he starts relying on you he'll never improve and you are stuck with an extra job. If his parents mention anything about it just laugh and say something about adults behaving like adults.

If he is incapable of writing down things as he books them, put an Alexa device (or other smart device) in his office that he can tell to add to his diary/calendar and remind him if he double books. It's not difficult.

His dad texting would make me consider divorce. Grown men shouldn't need reminding, they have access to the same technology (digital or analogue) as women do.

Are you an organised and methodical person? If so, I’d definitely help him to set up a simple system. A system that you show him how to do and then he immediately takes over!

Living with disorder and a chaotic people has a knock on effect and tbh he sounds like a man actually worth helping out.

@OneOliveEagle tbh he sounds like a man actually worth helping out

Does he? He sounds like a lazy sexist git to me..

This is a good idea! I really like the idea of a shared calendar. We used to have a paper one a few years ago but he never actually looked at it 😬 so it was still me having to do the reminding.

for myself, I’m usually good with remembering dates but I just jot them down in my phone.

could I ask what exactly it is that you use?? I’d like to get it

Can Alexa organise this sort of thing? Sorry for the stupid question…I don’t have one.

But rather than tell you, he tells Alexa and “she” puts it in his phone diary so a reminder pings up on his phone.

Also with a standing appointment to check the diary for the week ahead on a Sunday morning.

It isn’t your job to do this for him but if the money is benefitting both of you (and because you love him and don’t want him to struggle), you could help him get a system in place.

I have a Google calendar as I have a Google account but there are loads of apps that have shared calendars. Apple have their own calendar. We have android phones. We have adult sons so it helps keep everyone informed.

My ex used to go in for this type of nonsense, and in the end I realised that it was part and parcel of his coercive control - trying to make me responsible for his agenda, and blaming me for his lack of planning. Tell your husband he is an adult and needs to behave like one. Tell him HE is responsible for organising his diary, and that you already have a job of your own. Don’t let him make you his puppet.

Why would any adult find living with someone who can't organise themselves attractive?
Tell him to sort himself out!

Get him an AI Personal Assistant. This is one area AI is supposed to relieve humans of work.

Although relying on an AI system will no doubt render him even more helpless and forgetful without it, but maybe a worthwhile trade off?!

Why should OP do this? Does her DH help her out in any way? Why do we expect women to be operations director?

Yes you’re right, it is our money and it’s a significant amount extra, we struggle without it tbh, hence why I do want to be supportive. But it’s a larger issue that doesn’t just revolve around his work and instead of me taking on extra, it would be good if he could work on this himself. I’d prefer to help him find a way to manage this rather than just take over

If you’re not a tech solution fan, try an old fashioned physical white board or paper A2 / A3 organizer on the kitchen wall where absolutely every appointment, birthdays, meeting, visit or trip is hand written down.

Old school, in a place where you see it several times a day. If it’s not written on there it doesn’t happen.

@Forgetaboutit I do the toggling with Google calendar itself. I have a lot of accounts and shared calendars as ones personal and voluntary work and ones business.

you can just see the mess of colour coded things in the monthly view. I do have a more simplified version for say to say weekly views but it keeps me on track and I share with the chap so he knows when I’m in a busy period or in meetings.

yep! I said this exact thing to him

he just forgets to write his appointments and jobs in there!!

But he would then also forget to tell you about the appointments - even if you agreed to remind him (and I certainly would not!), you wouln't even know about the appoitments he had agreed to on the phone and promptly forgotten.

Or does he want you to also start booking the jobs for him and doing all the client management?

Don’t do it, it will become your job forever and it will really, really hack you off. It’s not your job, he’s an adult. Stick to your guns.

Google family calendar. That's what you need for domestic stuff so you both know what is going on

He could then add work stuff to it or have a separate Google work calendar.

But every single job needs to be written down. How does he even know what to charge etc if he doesn't have a proper, quote, booking, invoice system

Get a paper calendar, out it up somewhere highly visable like the fridge and get into the habit of both checking it everyday. I am disorganised, as much as I really try not to be, and this is the only thing that works for me. Can't stand calendars in my phone, as I just blank out reminders, and find I am less likely to record things, and promise myself I can just remember, and ultimately forget. I actually enjoy the pen to paper exercise of writing out the important dates and appointments in my paper calendar, and find I am much more organised this way. I have a calendar with a slot for pens (as again, without this, I'd never find one of the 10 million pens in this house) and I highlight appointments etc, and check it every morning. Some people's brains don't work to be able to retain important events, dates etc, I know I'm useless, and I have friends who are literally like a walking calendar and can recite every time and date for upcoming events. Don't think of it as being your husband's p.a, it's just being a team, and realising this is something you are better at than he is, so helping him to organise himself, creates an easier and calmer life for both of you. My husband buying me a paper calendar 5 years ago was the best gift he's ever given me, and means I'm a fat more organised person than I ever could have thought I'd be!

Do you benefit from the extra income?

Would it be worth helping him set up a workable system?

Does this have the potential to become full time?

Nope, he needs to learn to use a diary/calendar.
I used to be admin for everyone in our household but have now weaned them off it by introducing them to their phone calendars, including the setting up of advance warnings.
If you do it for him he will continue as he has with his parents. They've done him no favours.
My adult DS has ASD, is notoriously disorganised and lastminute.com and even he manages to run his own calendar.

YY to shared calendars on your phones. So you can see what he has booked not so you can put it in for him. And he can see what you have booked so he doesn't book things that clash.

You can set up multiple calendars but they all appear in one place just colour coded differently and you can choose who can see what.

We all use Apple but have a family one where anything everyone needs to know about goes & everyone can see it. I can see it alongside my private one. I can't remember 5 people's schedules so now when they try to tell me about things I just say "put it in the calendar!!". Your responsibility.

Tell him to put it in as he is booking it / while he's on the phone with the customer. You can open calendars while you are on the call on speakerphone. It's a new habit for him but will minimise the stress of double booking clients & pissing off his DW, so if he wants to be less overwhelmed & more in control he'll get on board. To be fair, you'll probably have to set them up but that's a one time job😉

How does he cope with his Monday to Thursday job? Does he have a PA for that role?

what sort of income is he bringing in - if he is that unorganized would it be worthwhile paying for an online PA for a few hours a week?

could his dad do this role for him? Why would you be an ideal candidate?

Thing is that you can have the best system in the world but it will only work if he uses it and accepts it is his responsibility to do so.

I think that is very unlikely to happen if you set it up for him. He will just see it as the first step in you becoming his PA which is what he is jokingly angling for

This is what I do with people who keep asking for money. Always works.