To not want to be my husbands PA?

[Forgetaboutit]

Me and DH work full time, we don’t have any children. I work Monday to Friday and he works Monday to Thursday and then also one or two days at the weekend doing his own jobs. He doesn’t ALWAYS take these jobs on, because sometimes he will have a break at the weekends to do things with me or just to relax, but it’s good for getting extra money in.

Over the past few months he has been getting so much extra work that it’s getting overwhelming for him. I suggested just saying no to people because he can only do so much and he is going to wear himself down! He won’t listen to me. His head is all over the place because he cannot organise himself and manage his workload. He will often triple book things and then be like “ah shit, I said I’d do this thing for x but now I’ve agreed to do this for y on the same day” and then I’ll pipe up and say “you also have a dentist appointment that day” or something. He is so bad at remembering things and organisation. He jokingly suggested that I manage his diary for him, but his mum and dad jumped on this and said what a brilliant idea!! That is what needs to happen etc. I understand that it will take some pressure off him, but why should I have to do more work? I already have my own things to organise and remember. I have to remind him constantly of his plans and appointments, now I have to organise his work diary for him too? Once, his dad text me saying “John has an appointment on 8th august, please could you make a note of it and make sure he doesn’t forget?” I wanted to reply to him saying “please text John as it is his appointment and will need to remember it for himself as he’s an adult” but instead I just ignored the text, told John the date and expected him to remember it. I feel like he has been treated this way by his parents and has never had to organise himself or remember things for himself because they did it for him and now are expecting me to do the same!

AIBU to not want to take control of his work diary for him? I know it will take the pressure off himself and I do want to help him out where I can. So part of me thinks just do it, what’s the harm? But then another part of me thinks it’s just enabling his lack of organisation.

Also I am a bad bitch. If I was in a relationship with someone whose dad texted me about his appointments or who took FOUR YEARS to learn how to use a shared calendar I would be sending them to the doctor for cognitive testing bro see I was concerned about a brain injury or other serious condition.

@Gettingannoyednow i can understand your user name. Does your husband hold down a job?

Don't start it.
It will leak into every area as it seems it already has.
You are not his employee.
Should you do this, he will never improve.
As for having children?
Think long and hard about it.
Because if he is this hopeless only dealing with himself, you will 100% carry the WHOLE MENTAL LOAD, and it gets old very fast.

Resentment leaks in and love goes out the window.

Think long and hard about what you want your future to look like....do you want to be the sole adult in the relationship?

I honestly don't really understand when people are disorganised in this manner / double book themselves etc. There are all manner of different types of calendar/diary available but people have to choose a format that works for them and actually just put stuff in it and then remember to check it when scheduling something else. So no amount of someone else doing that for them will help if the individual doesn't think they need to check a calendar when booking something new. Anyone who doesn't think that needs to feel the consequences and inconveniences themselves a few times to make that become their habit.

But also as to format, my DH use a joint calendar on our iPhones - extremely simple, not remotely complex, don't really understand how families / couples don't use some form of shared calendar to be honest. As above, does require each of us to actually check it and put stuff in it for it to be useful....

I do understand why people find it hard - I have ADHD and find this really difficult. But the solution isn't to dump it all on your spouse, it's to find a system that works for you

He needs to hire a Virtual Assistant. The VA isnt too expensive or eat into profit. But they can manage his schedule and diary.

a good one will be able to set up
Processes that mean he just needs to do his job and not worry about booking things in or chasing payments etc.

if I were you, I’d research that for him (LinkedIn / Facebook networking groups) as they’ll be ones that are targeted at his industry and that can be your contribution to getting him organised.

you being the PA when you don’t want to and it will add to your work load isn’t the answer

Cant he use google calendar?
If i don't put things on the Google calendar with reminders, then it doesn't happen.

So he works for a company and they organise the jobs etc so he doesn’t need to do anything in that respect. The extra jobs come through the company, so his boss will offer out extra jobs to people for weekends, but they are their own jobs and are expected to manage them themselves. DH seems to just take everything that’s on offer even though he has no time because atm we get no weekends together. But then all of the stuff he’s booking in clashes with other stuff and it’s just a mess. He went through a stage earlier in the year where he decided not to do it and just stick to the Monday to Thursday but we felt the impact of the income drop so he has taken them up again but the whole thing is just a disorganised mess.

The extra jobs bring in about £800 to £1000 extra a month.

Im the ideal candidate because I am an organised person and never miss a date. I have lists and calendars and phone reminders etc and find it very easy to keep on top of things

If you are both benefitting from the money then that does change things a little. You could consider helping out. Realistically how much time will it take?

Tell them sure you'll do it...for a wage though!

Maybe that's why the parents are often the belief that it would be beneficial then, I mean, if it wasn't a strength of yours they probably wouldn't bother. My DH is the ultra organised one so there is no way anyone would ask me to do that for him. That said, he tries to do it for me and I don't need his help I just do things differently.

It took a surprisingly long time for someone to mention ADHD. MN standards are slipping!

Don't even engage in the discussion. "No, I'm not doing that. Oh dear, do you think it's going to rain today?"
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If it goes into the family pot she's already benefiting

And for up to £12k surely it's worth it?

Agree with PPs - it still wouldn’t help because he is accepting jobs without checking, so whatever system you put in place would be a waste of time

Wouldn't it be simpler if he just worked Monday-friday for the company rather than trying to do freelance work at the weekend that he is clearly ill equipped to manage?

How about HE realises that HE has a problem and needs to get organised. He can ask you for help but he needs to own the problem.

What phone has he got? He could just ‘ask Siri’ to put it in his calendar if he has an iPhone? I presume there’s equivalent on other platforms. Using a calendar is pretty basic stuff! I presumed you were being asked to do all his expenses and accounts. Thankfully he doesn’t need to do those by the sounds of things.

The OP probably earns more than 12k and he isn't helping her with her job

Oh no… nip that right in the bud now. I think I would text back. “I am work. Please remember that I too, hold down a full time job and have to manage my own calendar. Please text him yourself. I can’t be his PA, I am just managing as it is.”

There are loads of apps that help with that. He should Google them.

If he's disorganised, that's a problem no matter who helps him.

He wants to be very careful about tax.

His parents think it's a great idea do they? Did you ask them why they raised him to be a grown adult who cannot keep a handle on his own day to day responsibilities?
If he needs someone to organise his shit then he can employ a part time PA. Don't mix business with pleasure! It might not be a bad idea but really it's not going to be falling to you as that's not fair.

Can't you just help each other? Are you sure there isn't anything you re not so good at that he does for you?
I have no sense of direction,my DH never gets upset if I call him for help or he drives me.
He's not great at admin so I do all of our admin/doctor appointment etc.
It's a marriage,you should be partners and helping each other without a second thought.

You're married and therefore surely you should work together and help each other for your mutual benefit.

If you help him become more organised then surely he earns more and that benefits you as well? Win win?

But this is MN where you don't do anything for anybody least of all a member of your own family. God forbid!

We suspect my husband has ADHD (assessment ongoing) and what works best for us is a shared calendar that works across our phones and watches. We invite our work calendars to important things by using invite email. That way we all have a clear picture. If it's not in the calendar it isn't happening.

I also choose to write a week's worth on our kitchen whiteboard because my brain likes it visually in front of me. He needs reminders beeping.

As a family we use Cozi which we find works really well. I know there are probably free options that are similar, it's just great for seeing everything in one place.