To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

One of my friends ex husband is an absolute wanker. He barely sees their now teenage dc as he barely made an effort when they were small, and now the dc don't want to know.
Since he split with his girlfriend a few years ago, my friends new amazing husband always cooks an extra Christmas dinner for him and ensures there is a seat at the table for him. He's a good man, who is able to put his ego to the side for a few hours, one day a year for the dc sake.

They are not alone in being able to cast aside ego and Co parent effectively, civily and in a way that puts the dc first. It's a much healthier way to live in my experience.

He’s disappointed to not be seeing his older kids on Christmas Day and is desperately trying to think up ways around the situation. He wants all his kids together too. Let him have a bit of time to come to terms with it.

I always say that when you get together with someone with kids, you extend a family rather than create a new one. You are a family of five and he is trying to figure out how to have all of you together.

Having the ex to yours for Christmas sounds fairly awful if you were on your own, but if you just invited her for dinner she’d get lost in the crowd with all your family there too. Then when dinner is finished, “It was lovely seeing you. Would you like to take some leftover turkey with you”?

I wouldn’t want to do it as one of the adults and as a child whose parents divorced, I would have been horrified. But as a compromise to your DH if he doesn’t settle down?

Personally, I think your DH should suggest the ex goes to her family for Christmas dinner/evening so she’s not alone and the plans for DSC stay as normal.

@BreezyHedgehog Exactlty the same here. But don't think OP would be OK with this which is a real shame.

I would be ok with DH going out with DD for a couple of hours, max 3. You say that you have family coming over, get them to stay longer or enjoy the time chilling, watching a film.

Treat this year as an oddity/excemption, for next year and beyond get him to work sharing Christmas, as a child of a divorce I was happy to have 2 Christmas days.

Not every teen spends Christmas lying around on gadgets 😂 that’s maybe your experience but the teens in our extended family are still really family orientated and love playing with the wee ones on Christmas Day and doing family games etc.

She's not stopping him from seeing his dc, she just dosnt want him taking her dd.

I’m a child of a blended family, and this is madness. DH needs to stop prioritising XW’s wishes over DW’s wishes. In my childhood, DH’s solutions wouldn’t have been reasonable.

My mum at Christmas dinner at my dad and step-mum’s house, alongside my step-mum’s parents/family? No way. Completely awkward and inappropriate. For everyone.

My dad leaving my step-mum at home alone whilst he’s taken all of the children to my mum’s house on Christmas Day? Again, completely inappropriate.

DH and XW need to come up with some kind of agreement, be it swapping on the day, as is the status quo, or dividing by Christmas Day/Christmas Eve, etc. DH needs to understand that it is no longer his responsibility to ensure that XW is not lonely on Christmas—it is up to her to surround herself with her friends or other family, and it is her job to facilitate this. Her loneliness is not DH’s issue to resolve.

Could you take a gamble and call his bluff? Invite the ex for Christmas dinner - presumably she’ll refuse, plus you come out of it looking good. Otherwise suggest he brings DSC to yours for an hour or two rather than the usual arrangement - he’s happy for you to be without your DC for the same length of time, so why not his ex.

Not 'her' DD - their DD

My boys are 14 and 17 and when they come home to do our Christmas Day on Boxing Day, playing with their 4 yo sister's toys is genuinely a highlight of their day!!
My 14 yo has bought her a race track toy for Christmas... he's going to be living his best life playing it with her! 😆

Quite

I think it’s different because the ex is newly single after a long-term relationship breakdown and Christmas can be an exceptionally lonely and difficult time during those circumstances. Her children are also getting older and I wouldn’t be surprised if fact she has finite Christmases with them isn’t playing a role.

The OP, on the other hand is happily married with a young family unit. I would expect her feelings surrounding Christmas Day to be a little more robust. In fact they have to be more robust because she married someone with other children to accommodate.

OP, I think you’re beginning to sound a little petulant here. Neither are insane suggestions, they are options. I think it’s best for children if their adults can put their feelings aside and be seen to be doing their best for them. You just don’t like her, but you need to take your emotions out of this.

You may not be the one separated from your child’s father, but you are married to the father who is separated from his children’s mother, so it affects you no matter what.

So he wants to go and play happy families with his ex, their shared children and your child too? While you stay home alone waiting for your side of the family to arrive and for him to bring your child home? Absolutely not. What is he thinking suggesting that!

OP, I think you’re beginning to sound a little petulant here. Neither are insane suggestions, they are options. I think it’s best for children if their adults can put their feelings aside and be seen to be doing their best for them.

Yes, it would be best if the ex put her feelings aside and did what was best for her children - so they go to their dad's as per the arrangement!

My DSD is the same! Our niece is two and DSD makes out she’s cool and it’s “to entertain her” but she has more fun with the toddler toys than her own gifts sometimes 😂 it’s nice that they can relax and enjoy things that people might think they are too old for!

I think this is what you need to expect when you get together with someone who already has kids. It could be nice for your kids to see you all getting on.
Like it or not many exes are connected together for life and still love and care about them (platonically)

The ex is being unreasonable. She shouldnt just get to decide the plans change to suit her.

Your husband should tell her that the kids are still coming to you as planned, although I would be worried that they are of an age where she can guilt trip them into not wanting to ve by saying she will be sad and alone.

You need a conversation with your husband about how your plans should bit change to suit her

This is a conversation DP needs to have with exP and agree Xmas like adults. If he wants to see the kids he needs to sort it.

I agree with OP my 3 yrd old DD would not be going to a stranger house on Christmas day to see half older siblings.

I would have no issue with the DP nipping to see his children for an hour and then whole family can be together the day before/after.

They are not together as a family unit. You are. You are not stopping him from seeing his DC his exP is.

The OP is not saying the any child cannot see their parent. DP just need to sort it so it works for all children and all 3 adults

Hi OP I’m a step mum and I’d not like that but also my DH would not suggest it. There are other solutions than that! Conversely a family member had the ex wife of her partner inappropriately involved IMO - she was invited to every family event still and she moved onto the same fucking street!!!! She was still pally with the ex sis in law who also lived on that street. Don’t think it was malicious think she wanted to remain involved but found this inappropriate and boundary crossing on a lot of levels and disrespectful to my family member.

Would you and your DH be open to the following?: We have two Christmases for the kids, the first Christmas is at their Mum’s Xmas day and they come to us late evening and second Christmas is on Boxing Day. It still has the Christmas feel.

Yes but that won't be happening. What dH is suggesting is that the 3 year old is brought to a stranger's house for a few hours to spend some time with her half sibs. There won't be any new Xmas toys there for the 3 year old and nor will there be other toys for her.

I wouldn’t be fine with this and OP says she wouldn’t be fine with this.

The ex is only having a strop about it because she’s newly single otherwise she wouldn’t be bothered.

I think in your case OP, I’d grit my teeth and have her and DSC on Christmas Day. State to your DH that if she’s rude or nasty on the day that she leaves.

I think that either ex comes over for dinner or DH pops round to see them Christmas morning makes perfect sense, either with your DD or by himself.

I must admit I don't at all see the necessity for the husband to see all his children together. He visits his children for a while. Taking the youngest is not OK, of course the OP should not be separated from her dd on Christmas day. And of course, the ex should not be invited.

@Whyherewego Which is why I suggested alternating the days. But OP won't do that.

But you will have your family there. In this situation, someone has to be the bigger person. Two hours while your DD sees her siblings on Christmas Day isn't a massive amount of time. It will give you a bit of space to put your feet up and chill.