To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

So because she married in to it and had a child, a child who never asked to be in it has to suffer.

@snotathing totally agree with you.

I think the teenagers should be asked about what they want and work things from there.

Why on earth should the OP be without her child on Christmas Day but not the Ex. It isn't up to the OP to make sure the Ex has a good Christmas at her own expense.

A couple of hours to myself on Christmas Day sounds quite blissful if I'm honest.

If you get up early and open presents and play for a bit, then you could pop dinner on and chill whilst your husband takes the littlun to see their siblings for a bit and then when they're back have dinner and enjoy the rest of the day.

This whole situation has come about because he is placing HER as his priority. I would have a massive issue with that OP and it would make me see him in a different very off putting light.

Why can't he pick them up and bring them over for the same amount of time that he expects you to be alone??

You owe his kids and his ex absolutely nothing to compromise here. Ridiculous that it's put upon you to be the most accommodating when you gain nothing from it. Tell him to do one. I would be absolutely furious too at him declaring it's not worth Christmas given he has another child too!

Oh how ridiculous you sound. Do you really want to be away from your kids and knowing they might not want to go? But go on and make it sound cool. Op clearly doesn't want to be away from her child.
As for the ex, if her relationship didn't end she would have been perfectly fine not seeing the kids for half the day!!

And what a doormat you sound.

So op shouldn't invite her family who are actually you know good and kind to her, and who her dd will want to see all to please an ex who was nasty and has no boyfriend this year. Ridiculous.

As if being left alone to do the dinner is a lovely, relaxing treat on Christmas Day. Especially when it’s because the sad ex simply cannot be alone.

I think I would probably be the bigger person and let them go but use the time to prep the evening meal because to be honest that's bloody hard to do with kids running round wanting attention etc. So make it work for you - enjoy some child free time getting the meal ready and then you can chill in the evening with your family. I do understand how you feel though.

I don't understand all these people saying that OP's child will be removed from her home for only "an hour or two." It is very difficult to make a visit for just 1 to 2 hours, especially with small children. More likely OP will be home alone for 4 hours (or more) and her child will be cranky and tired when she returns. This is just a really mean thing for the OP's husband to do to her and he's clearly putting his ex-partner ahead of his wife because he's a limp noodle who can't stand up to his ex.

I would start a new tradition where they alternate Xmas day each year, retuning to other parent on Boxing Day.

My kids hated being carted around on Xmas day.

I recall my two belting out Happy Birthday dear Jesus early morning when they were little!

Did he even stop to think if the ex would want to see him playing happy families with his wife, their child and the SDC's while she's going through a breakup?

Her relationship problems are no concern for her ex, his wife nor their child, despite how she is making it seem. She should stick to the original arrangement, all these posts because one selfish woman expects the world to grind to a halt to accommodate her and her situation.

LemonSqueezy0 · Today 08:37

Give him a bit of grace as he's obviously upset but once he's settled down have a chat and explain how you feel and what the various options look like.

This- I’d say it’s a panicked knee jerk reaction- ‘I can’t not see the kids at Christmas’ kind of thing.

Her relationship problems are no concern for her ex, his wife nor their child, despite how she is making it seem. She should stick to the original arrangement, all these posts because one selfish woman expects the world to grind to a halt to accommodate her and her situation.
But that’s life isn’t it? Wouldn’t most people be like that if they had a break up and knew their ex was having a family Christmas while she sat on her own? It’s not good but of course you’d be selfish in this situation- she just can’t see the woods for the trees!

I wrote that in reply to a poster claiming how kind and generous the DH is for suggesting , which is bonkers.

Not sure why you're making it into something that isn't.

Would they? Would many people really go, "Right, I've been dumped so you're not seeing your dad/mum this Christmas day"?

No, most people wouldn’t be selfish like this.

Surely the teens are old enough to decide how they want to spend their Christmas Day? That should be all that matters.

Three adults, who should know better, arguing over who spends time with them on a particular day is ridiculous. Teenagers are people, not prizes.

@SacreBlue picking 6th January as just an "arbitrary date " as you claim Christmas Day is, doesn't make sense because everyone will be back at work and school then

You have to adjust your day/consider the needs of a woman you aren’t related to because you had a child with somebody who already had children. And you won’t be alone, cos your family’s all there? My dad focused above all else on the half siblings having a strong relationship with each other and we’re all so grateful for that now (as is my mum). I think your husband’s desire to do the same for his three children and see them all on Xmas day is admirable - wouldn’t it stress you out more or worry you for the future if he could take or leave seeing his kids on Xmas day? Don’t let the principle (him taking your shared kid for an hour or two isn’t that big a deal?) cause more tension than it needs to and ruin your Xmas.

I would suggest 1) attempt mediation and at the same time kick of legal proceedings to get child contact arrangements formally in place so she doesn't pull this again - its entirely unreasonable

To me it sounds like thee DSC should be with you christmas eve and morning and over to hers for lunch time for the rest of the day with her - means the meal bit changes but they both see the kids. They both need to focus what's best for kids which in my view is time with ALL their family not just their Mum

Why should OP be on her own so ex is not alone? Ex partners feelings do not take priority.
its sad ex is going to be alone as her relationship has failed, but she needs to make plans with family and friends, not simply throw her weight around and make demands over a situation that already works for everyone else.

You have a dh problem. If you and dh always have the children on Christmas day, that shouldn't change on ex's whim. Her relationship status is irrelevant. You need to have a serious discussion with dh, because his attitude and response to ex is the core issue.

Put it around the other way, dad's relationship has failed he tells ex she is not having the kids as planned as he dosnt want to be alone on Christmas day, I can just picture the responses to that.