To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Think of it like having an aunt over for Christmas.

Christ.

But that’s the reason that this situation is the way it is in the first place because instead of putting his foot down and insisting the arrangements stays the same, he’s pandering to her because the reality is that she’s now alone and wants the children because of it. He already has a child he can spend Christmas with that he lives with. Why isn’t she as important to him and his Christmas as they are? Surely he can see them Boxing Day and enjoy Christmas with the child that lives with him.

I'm guessing you aren't a child of divorced parents? No matter how civil everyone is on the day, it's usually excruciatingly awkward for teenagers to have to play happy families in this situation. Even when the two mothers don't hate each other. No doubt everyone would breathe a sigh of relief when it's over and vow to avoid a repeat even if it means spending next Christmas alone in a cupboard. Just speaking from experience.

no-one - you know everyone then?

and the suggestion was more focused on a little kid will see the 25th as being when Santa comes but older kids will know Santa is fictional and may be willing to compromise on a calendar date because it might benefit them to do so

the 6th was arbitrary but on a recognised (even if not to you) gift-giving date as it appears the parents all seem a bit more focused on ‘special dates’ despite knowing the fiction of it (as it relates to gift-giving)

at no point has church, chapel or other religious stuff been mentioned so it appears gifts+family time is all that is important so therefore a compromise is possible on any date for everyone old enough to know Santa isn’t real

In all fairness to this poster I have never even heard of that date and it’s not a celebrated religious holiday like Christmas or Easter then it’s not difficult to assume that not many people in the wider population won’t have heard of it? I’m assuming it’s a religious day as well. This issue isn’t about the children not wanting to be there on the day. It’s wholeheartedly an issue stemming from both the mother and the father of the step children because they’re both being equally selfish in refusing to make the best of it for the sake of all of the children.

Are Christmases not written into the custody agreement? My partner's son had an agreement written when he was small, alternating Christmases and birthdays. If it's your DH's turn, that's that. The child's mum will have to get used to it, as that's just the reality of co-parenting.

Of course, seeing as the kids are teens, they should have some say about what they want to do. If they want to go against what was agreed that should be taken into account, as they're the most important thing, but if it's just the mum kicking off, that's not on at all.

It's not even as if she's without them the whole of the day - you only swap halfway through!

He'll be there too. It is his birthday after all.

Why can’t he go over there for a short time on Christmas Day - with or without your child? You say you have your family coming over so you won’t be on your own.

The ex is the mum of OP's child's siblings. So OP and the ex are linked by a blood bridge, and therefore you could see her place as being like extended family, such as an aunt.

Or everyone could loosen up, get the wine out, and have a laugh. These things are what you make them.

LMAO!!!!!

It's not (or shouldn't be) dh's right to see anyone. It's about the dcs ( all of them's) right to be put first. If the teen dcs are aware of any of this (and I bet they are) the level of cringe will be off the scale. It was this kind of fuckery that made me hate Christmas, and avoid either of my parents at that time of year, for decades.

The adults all need to grow up and work out what's best collectively for the children, or I predict the sdcs will be spending the whole day hiding in their rooms, and no-one will get to see them at all <yes this does bring back memories and I am wincing on their behalf tbh)

I would do my best to ensure my DH and his children saw each other on Xmas Day. If that means a slightly awkward Xmas lunch, so be it.

He can. He just doesn't want to go without the youngest.

She is not divorced. There are unfortunate aspects of being divorced which is having to share your child. The op is in a relationship with her child’s father so yes she expects to have her child at Christmas just like every other 2 parent family. It is NOT unfair to expect your husband to understand you want your child with you on christmas. If he wants a split child set up with his youngest he needs to divorce the op and start one. Instead, he doesn’t want to upset his unreasonable ex, and also doesn’t want a second of Christmas Day without his youngest child, so he’s decided his wife, who isn’t making unreasonable demands, nor is she juggling two lots of children with different dads, should be the only one to miss out. Her only fault here is being with him! He can jog on.

it’s not a celebrated religious holiday like Christmas maybe not in your area, it is in mine but OP et al seem unconcerned with any religious aspect so it doesn’t matter either way.

I agree that It’s wholeheartedly an issue stemming from both the mother and the father of the step children because they’re both being equally selfish in refusing to make the best of it for the sake of all of the children

the actual date of the 25th is arbitrary if all that any of the adults are bothered about is family time + gift-giving

the only one of the children likely to be affected negatively by a date change is 3year old (and even that is probably debatable)

so the selfishness is entirely around a calendar date that no-one really is bothered for the specialness in religious terms so any other date at all would do

which, now I’ve typed all that ou,t makes the adults’ selfishness even worse somehow

Asking the teenagers what they’d suggest might be the best option.

No, no - wasn't saying that all! And sorry if I gave that impression

Just observing in passing that in general are certain demographics Mumsnet seems to loathe - a DH's ex and The Other Woman.

And was just musing aloud as to which is loathed more

You're saying you don't want your child going because that's not fair on you/ you'll be by yourself. But she has to let her children go every year. I understand this from all points of view. But you can't say it's not fair on you, but be quite happy for the same to happen to her. Whether you get along or not your both mothers and both love your children dearly.

My son is 9 and goes to his dads for half of Christmas every year. Usually from about 11:30 to 4 I have 2 younger daughters with my husband who obviously are there and I love spending my day with them but it's not the same. Somethings missing and it's my son.

Didn' you say that one of the reasons the Ex coming to you was not a good idea was because your family would be there? So you wouldn't be alone if he went out with your child.

Of course if your family weren't there the solution would be to say, "Ex is doing Chrstmas tea for us all? How lovely!" and the three of you go over to hers.
If she doesn't want you there, then she has to let her kids go to their Dad as previously arranged.

Mumsnet and stepmums.

Pathetic.

I think you should see the SDC Christmas Eve, then their dad visits (alone) Christmas Day and then you see the SDC on Boxing Day (if that suits everyone).

I feel a bit sorry for the ex but TBH she’s been selfish with insisting the arrangement change because it suits her. I think I’d let it slide this year but in future years I’d ask the teens what they wanted and be led by them.

This year, I'd not invite family and let her come round.

Before next Christmas, I'd expect DH to be setting up some arrangements that are fair and agreed, not at her whim.

Could you agree to play it by ear on the day? If she wants to stay home with you he agrees to accept that, if she wants to go with dad to see her siblings you accept that. It sort of stops it being about any of the adults winning as the little one will be making the call.

You keep posting this. Did you not read OP's posts. She's said herself she's suggested this in the past and been shut down. But do you honestly think her husband or his ex will allow the OP to make such a decision?

YANBU. His suggestion is ridiculous, as is pandering to his ex partners sudden change of plans. I'm always shocked when a PRESENT father is not consulted on decisions and the mother thinks they can just make their own plans and tell the father what's happening, like they don't have a choice.
Her relationship is not your problem and If he doesn't want to put his foot down and tell her that then of course he can suggest going to see his children at exs house. However your child does not have to go, that would be very odd.