To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Trying to work out which demographic Mumsnet hates most - the ex or the other woman 🤔

Absolutely not. He needs to stop being so wet and insist on this xmas being his as its his turn. Why is he dancing around her like this? Even suggesting you spend xmas on your own so she doesnt have to is a massive slap in the face.

Don't think you mentioned how recently she has broken up. If recent, I'd probably be compassionate, while stressing it's a once off, due to exceptional circumstances. If more than six weeks ago, I'd probably push to stick to the agreement.

Pragmatically, I would also insist your three year old gets a free choice (want to come play with your brother's/sisters, or want to stay here with mummy?). Agree no reason why three year old should be dragged places they don't want to be.

I do think OP, you sound a bit lacking in empathy both towards the ex and towards your DP. Obviously, it's not the same for a successfully attached woman in constant contact with their child to be alone for a few hours on Christmas than someone who's been through a recent breakup and habitually has to be away from her children for significant chunks of time. And, no, your EX is not being "completely insane" he is suggesting something that is a tricky compromise, amid the complexity of blended family relationships, and I can quite understand why. Unless there is a huge background of other stuff, saying he doesn't have backbone is also very denigrating. He just sounds like a reasonable guy trying to care about people and see his kids on Christmas....and you sound pretty lacking in empathy or respect for that.

I thought you said your family will be around?

Can you just put the kids first and suck it up? Being alone for a few hours on Christmas Day sounds nice to me tbh.

Share the workload of the dinner prep in the morning, let him take the kid to see her siblings for a couple of hours in the afternoon and chill alone with a glass of wine/cup of coffee/large gin/good book for a couple of hours before they come back. I cannot fathom adults who cant spend time alone (I would also say this to his ex!). Both of you should get a damn grip.

An absolute non-problem imo.

Inviting her over is plainly bonkers and you should not entertain this plan at all.

That said, as a one off I'd let her have the DC this year and celebrate with them on Boxing Day instead. It's a pretty harsh person who'd want to leave someone alone on Christmas Day.

Agree with you OP. Maybe not for half a day if she'll be alone but he should stand up and say that your dsc are coming to yours for 2 hours - whenever that may be (as she's prepping dinner?) doesn't she have any family she could pop round and see for a couple of hours while there gone if it's that unbearable to be alone? Can't she have her parents join for the day too so she's not alone while the children are gone for a bit. Unfortunately, she's an adult. Get the big girl pantys on and deal with the day as it shall be. It's not yours or your DH fault that her relationship has ended. You had previous plans that she still needs to accommodate regardless. My child wouldn't be leaving me on Christmas Day if she was 3 and would prefer to be at home - your not the one who's split from child's father so unfortunately for her, her children will have to come to yours for a bit or see their dad without there step sister. I don't see why this is your problem or why your day should be messed around now. I also certainly wouldn't be inviting her over to my house if I were going to be uncomfortable.. it doesn't seem as though you all get on amazingly!

So DH wants to disrupt his 3 year old child’s day by taking them away from all their new toys from Santa to go to his exs because she doesn’t want to be alone, but it’s okay for you to be alone? Nah. I wouldn’t be having that personally. That’s her problem. Does ex know that DH wants to take your shared child to hers? Has your DC ever even been there? I’d suggest half and half and wouldn’t allow anything else she’s being so self centred and ridiculous.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle Do we know OP was the other woman?

But the ex getting dumped has nothing to do with any of this. That’s her lot, she needs to deal with it like an adult. Her kids don’t need to rally round her to cheer her up, that’s absolutely pathetic.

Just because DH isn’t sad and lonely doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the right to see his DC on Christmas as usual.

She has repeatedly said she would and has suggested but her husband shut her down. He wants what he wants.

No need to make stuff up.

I don't think it's because he doesn't want her to be alone, it's because he wants to see his children.

Invite her to your house. It's Christmas, and she will be alone half the day otherwise. I'm sure you wouldn't like that either, if it were you. Think of it as Christian charity. Christmas is all about giving to those less fortunate. You have a DH, whereas she is by herself.

If she spends half of Christmas alone - including Christmas night, I imagine - it might compromise DH's relationship with his eldest two kids. They will feel bad that their mum is alone at Christmas, and will blame him - and possibly you.

Be generous and call her up to invite her. Be warm and welcoming towards her. Do the right thing.

It's also a marvellous opportunity to model to all the kids how adults get on and how they should treat each other.

I once had a bunch of near-strangers for Christmas (long story) and it felt very uncomfortable at the time, especially as I was having an awful Christmas anyway as my mum had just died, but in retrospect I was glad I did it. Taking in and feeding people who had nowhere else to go is the essence of Christmas, although that was lost on me at the time.

YANBU op. Your husband is a spineless twat.

Sounds like you and your dd will always come second place to his first kids and the demands from his ex.

Id be putting my foot down now or you will be dancing to her tune from now on.

YANBU he is being utterly selfish. I would be furious that he is putting himself and everyone else including his ex above you.

I do think it would be kind to let the DSC spend Christmas Day with their DM under the circumstances. He needs to find a compromise that works for everyone.

Can’t you have the family Christmas he wants with the DSC on Christmas Eve? The DSC could open presents after dinner when your DS is in bed. Or have Santa’s stocking with your DS on Christmas morning with a buffet or whatever you usually eat on Boxing Day, then celebrate Christmas as a family on Boxing Day? Your toddler is too young to know any different and teens are old enough not to mind 2 Christmases and waiting for some of their presents. It’s only the big kid who seems to be having a tantrum…

Is we can do maths, we know she WASN'T.

They separated 10 years ago, OP's relationship is 6 years old.

You're a special kind of doormat aren't you?

I think you are being unreasonable but I understand why. I don't think he's disregarding your child, he would probably say the same things if he wasn't getting to see your child but was seeing his other children, it won't feel like Christmas and will put a dampner on his day not having all his children together, you clearly don't feel the same about his older children as he does which is fine, but he's not wrong for feeling that way.

If your parents will be there with you I'd be inclined to let him go with your child in the afternoon for an hour or so

So you don’t want to be without your child on Christmas Day but you think DH is ridiculous that he won’t see two of his children at all that day? I think you have been pretty unfair to him in this respect.

That said, YANBU to not want to host his ex on Christmas Day, and as it is also your house you can put your foot down and say no. Couldn’t he go to Ex’s house for a couple of hours at some point during the day but not take your younger child?

I'm beginning to really hate the words comfortable/uncomfortable. Everybody has to be comfortable these days, and god forbid they have to do something that makes them uncomfortable.

The Christmas I describe above was uncomfortable at the time, but I'm so glad we did it.

I think having the ex for Christmas will be a wonderful thing for all the children. Uncomfortable, my arse. It's for one day, and it would be a kind and generous thing to do.

Op, you're getting very skewed responses because MN is very much a 'first wives club'.

Of course YANBU, your DH needs to either grow a backbone, or accept only seeing your SDC on boxing day.

😂😂😂

This. Why not keep an open mind?

HE doesn't want that. OP has said repeatedly she doesn't mind him going, she just doesn't want him to take the 3 yo with him. He wants his cake and eat it. That's the issue.

Think how grateful your DH will be if you solve the issue by having your DC's siblings' mum for the day. Think of it like having an aunt over for Christmas. The DCs will benefit, your marriage will benefit, you'll have done a kind thing for someone, and your parents will be there anyway, so you'll have all your loved ones around you for the whole day - DC, DH, DPs, DSC.