To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

It's crazy the fixation people have with having to see certain people on Christmas Day. It won't matter if he had them Boxing Day this year. I'm with you OP stand your ground. It's the ex who has changed the rules and no way would I have him taking my child over there because of that.

*For the love of god. Why does OP need to be the one who 'misses out' here and be the bigger person?

There is no reason why EX cannot be alone for the time that DSC are with their dad and their sister and their step mum.

The EX was not going to spend this time her children anyway. Just because she now doesn't have a partner, why should the OP be alone... without her child? And husband.. and step children...*

I don't get it either!
The only one who won't be affected here is the ex who's changed the rules of the game!

I think your DH is kind and generous to suggest inviting his ex to yours. It would only be awkward if someone decided to make it awkward, for which there's obviously need. It'll be in your home with your parents, so you're not in some kind of underdog position. It would be a very gracious thing to do, and your DH knows it.

@Slugg
why change all their Christmas plans for a grown woman who doesn't want to spend half of Christmas Day on her own. If she's that wet, she can arrange to visit family or friends.

Why should he spoil everyone Christmas, just because she's now single?

shes a grown woman for crying out loud!

I didn’t interpret it as DH wanting to play happy families. More like putting up with the ex so he can see his children all together on Christmas Day.

I hope the OP knows he wouldn’t be going there by choice. This is a desperate measure, a last ditch attempt to get his all his kids around him.

Is he fuck. He's a weak twat that is only thinking about what HE wants. The relationship might be civil, but it is fraught.

Did he even stop to think if the ex would want to see him playing happy families with his wife, their child and the SDC's while she's going through a breakup?

Did he stop to think that his wife might not want to be around someone who bad mouthed her , was awful to and about her and have to suck it up and play gracious host?

He's not kind and generous, he's a selfish twat who fucked up and wants things his way.

Why should SHE (op) be by herself?! She’s his wife. His ex can find someone else to play with while her kids are at their dad’s (as previously agreed!) If he wanted to spend Christmas with his ex then he should have stayed with her not married someone else.

op has no issue with the step children coming to her house to see their sibling and dad, but the ex had been a cow to her so she doesn’t fancy spending her Christmas Day hosting her - bloody fair enough. So there is no need for her child to be taken away from her on Christmas Day to visit the step children at their mothers? This doesn’t even make sense?! How is it sensible?

why would the op’s kid want to go visit their siblings at the ex wife’s house?? They’ll want to spend Christmas with THEIR mum not a virtual stranger.

op honestly your husband is being an utter dick. His Christmas is not ruined. He puts you second best and you need to slam your foot down right now or she’ll be dragging him around all over the place making him jump through hoops and he’ll go along with it and try to paint you as the bad guy.

or get rid. Might be better off.

@ParkAndRider Agree, but that's only going to be fair if they agree to alternate it so the mum gets them every other Christmas Day for the duration. OP hasn't responded if she would find that acceptable.

No, his best would look like telling his ex, she's a grown woman who can spend half a day on her own or see other people & they're splitting the days as usual. Not upsetting his wife, child, in-laws etc.

he’s not kind and generous at all. He’s asking OP and their joint child to completely change their day so he can do what his ex wants and still have what he wants too.

Lol. No way should you let him take your DD to his exs house on Christmas Day! What so they can all play happy families without you, They chose to split so at times they have to spend time away from their kids on special days, that’s unfortunately one of the consequences of divorce.

Unless there was some serious hate between you and his ex in the past, and unless she is not able to act like a civilized person around you and your DH, I would be ok with her coming round, why are you so unhappy about it? Christmas is all about families, and other Christian values - kindness, forgiveness, charity etc. Your husband is clearly a good dad, I know men who would not give a shit about seeing their kids in this situation, or ever.

Yu would feel sad with being there without your DC, so what about your husband's feeling? If seeing his ex is too much, then allow him to go to see his kids with you DC. Or go with them to her house?

Are people really saying ‘if it’s fine for her it’s fine for you’??? No way. I’d say when you split up with me then we will have to negotiate Christmas Day. If that’s not what you’re doing then our child stays here in their home with me. I am not sitting alone on Christmas Day because you’d rather upset me than your ex.

I agree with this. The mum needs to stick to what has already been agreed, put a smile on her face in front of her kids so they dont feel bad about going to see their dad, stepmum and step sibling, who presumably they have good relationships with.

Its unfair of the mum to put her kids in the middle of the whole "I dont want to be on my own" and their dad needs to actually voice this instead of rolling over and accepting her change of plans and expecting op to just suck it up

Because blended family christmases are alwaus trying to fit a quart of "spending the day with my family" into the pint pot of just one day. Suggest the OP does not try to jam her pint of (actually not that critical - a 3-year-old is not going to have fixed expectations of the day) demands into an already messy situation. Instead she could urve her DH to do whatever is best for the children in the situation and suggest he tries to get ex to make the same priorities, then drop the rope and if it turns out ahe is alone for part of Christmas, sit back and swap her pint of demanding what she thinks she ought to have for a pint of tea or baileys or whatever, and relax with a book/some tidying/a movie.

Beause otherwise she could be pushing the situation a step down the road @Difficultparentproblems situation.

We had a similar situation one Christmas and had DSD mum for dinner. It was a bit awkward at first, served lots of wine and kept it all very surface level talk. Ended up being fine, her and my Mum got on like a house on fire 😂. DSD was happy. I appreciate the dynamics probably don't always work for this though.

I doubt she would even want to go.

I’m too immature for these situations cos I’d be pissed off at everyone

Why should OP be left on her own because it suits her DP's ex?!

There is no guilt tripping. It’s people’s preferences on who to spend their time with. That’s it. The only one guilt tripping here is OP guilt tripping her DH.

Splitting the day as usual is not ‘a couple of hours’.

No-one in the UK sees January 6th as a special date. It has no significance, it’s not a bank holiday, families don’t travel in advance to be together then, no gifts, decorations actually come down then

The point is he won't tell his ex no it's not happing, but will tell op he's taking their dd for a few hours, why does the ex trump the op, in no way would I allow my dp to take our dd to his ex house on Christmas day, it's not what the ex wants that should matter it's what the 2 dc want.

He was the one who created a complex family

And which OP chose to marry into and have a child with

OP, you are not being in the least bit unreasonable. But your DP certainly is, and so is his ex. But because you are a step mum, there are lots of posters here who will gleefully stick the boot in and act like you and your DP's child are non entities who have no needs or feelings. The idea of your only child being taken away to an unrelated woman's house for part of Christmas Day with your DP so that his ex can play happy families whilst you are left alone, because HER relationship broke down is crazy, crazy, crazy.