To feel a bit down at the amount of selfish behaviour around?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm in the young-middle-age bracket. Over the past few years, many friends, acquaintances, and family members have had serious illnesses, and some have died. While there are, of course, many lovely and caring people around, I find myself aghast at the amount of breathtakingly selfish behaviour I've witnessed. People not visiting their ill friends and family, people ignoring the bereaved, people just so, so wrapped up in themselves, people who are all about their own lives and really not caring about anyone who isn't a spouse or child. It's got me down a bit sometimes, tbh. Some of it's in my own family, which has not been fun.

I find that young people are much less selfish. It seems that people hit middle age and all hell breaks loose, with more people than you'd expect being laser-focused on themselves. I don't remember this being the case at all when I was in my twenties and doing the London thing, seeing friends a lot etc. I don't remember having cause to marvel at all the selfish behaviour on display back then. It seems to have happened in middle age.

Has anyone else noticed a startling upswing in selfish behaviour from late thirties onwards?

I think you just start to notice it more in your 30's tbh. People are people & they don't tend to change. Either they just start showing their true colours or it's always been there & you just start noticing it more.

People are usually in the thick of raising children during that time. It's overwhelming for many.

I'm also a big believer in you get back what you put in for most relationships.

Yes, I agree with the PP. Lots of friendships get pruned when you have DC on top of full-time jobs etc. Free time becomes very limited and often the strong friendships from the good old days in London suddenly seem less of a priority. It's tough but people come out the other side when they have more social capacity. Humans only have so much bandwidth.

I think you have to take into account capacity. It used to be that only the man worked in a typical couple, now both work but none of the rest of the life load has reduced, people simply don't have yhe capacity. Life is exhausting these days

Will this make you feel any better?

My DH is 40. As he was arriving home this evening around 6pm he crossed paths with an elderly man who had fallen over on street. He had bumped his head and somehow badly injured his hand - blood everywhere. My DH and another man saw him home, where it became apparent he lives alone and wouldn’t necessarily be on top of getting himself medical attention. It would have been a 1 hour wait for an ambulance so my DH drove him to the hospital and checked him into A&E. He’s taken his number and will collect him and drive him home, even if this is required in the middle of the night.

My DH has done this after a very long work week, when this evening is a rare opportunity to spend time with a cousin he hasn’t seen in 4 years, and when he has to fly to New York for work at 11am in the morning.

I think we have become individualistic as a society, I think when you are young and unencumbered by responsibility then going out and having lots of friends make you feel good. Then when you become part of a family unit your priorities may change so friendships get tossed . I don’t know if there was more of community in days gone by?

What a caring man your husband is.

I agree with this.
I wouldn't have noticed selfish behaviour by myself or my friends in my twenties, but by your forties you start to see examples of selflessness, and maybe life has forced you to be a bit selfless for one reason or another, and suddenly selfish behaviour really sticks out.

I found the opposite. I suffered devastating bereavements in my 20s in London and my friends my age were focused on partying and careers, barely bothering to check in on me. To be fair, family and in laws of different ages were just as self-absorbed.

Now I'm middle-aged, it's not much better, but at least my expectations are lower and I stick only with friends I know do care, even if they're going through too much mid life stress themselves to be present right now.

People don’t have the same energy they had when they were younger so they can’t give as much as they did when they were younger. Also, self-confidence often increases with age and people say no to people who exploited their good nature when they were younger.

It's not about friends not having time for me, though. It's about seeing people treat their families and people close to them really badly when they're old or seriously ill.

Yes, I agree with this.

I think there was more community before the internet, social media, and streaming. You had to actually leave your house to socialise.

What a lovely man he is ❤️

Legacy of the Thatcher years to an extent.

Wow!!! That's amazing! Yes, that makes me feel tons better. I know too many people who would NEVER do this. Your DH is a keeper!

Bereavement is terrifying to people. They often simply cannot face other people's loss and don't know what to say. They also fear it so severely or it gives them PTSD from their own losses.
When I lost my dad at 13 nobody could handle even addressing it. Adults, children, nobody could even bear to ask how I was. It's too scary for some people to face the idea of death.
Please don't hold it against people how they handle those things. You never know what's gone on in their lives. But it's most people's greatest fear. Dying or losing someone.
I'm so sorry for your losses. Xx

I know, I'm just disturbed at the amount of people who have no time for close family and friends who are very sick or bereaved. It's got me down this last couple of years.

Interesting! I was a child during those years, but I do remember TV shows and magazines that hyped the whole lifestyle of that time. Shoulder pads, big hair, lots of bright make-up, the pursuit of money.

You can’t know the internal dynamics of any family situation. Most people are doing the best they can most of the time.

Thank you; that's so sweet.

I know my own family dynamics (don't want to say too much for fear of being outed) and I firmly believe that not everybody is doing the best they can most of the time, far from it.

That's terrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you! Doing the London thing as a young person is NOT the time to have devastating bereavements. London can be a lonely place.

This. I am aware that I've got more 'selfish' as I've hit middle age, but I'm knackered and burnt out. I can barely summon up the energy to cope with the crises and needs of my immediate family. I have so little free time and absolutely zero energy.

Yes I've noticed it in some people but not all. I've been surprised at how children of elderly adults do quite a bit of performative care - dropping in shopping etc - but don't actually have the will to spend much time with the parent once they become more of a burden.

You can't force people to care sadly. It mainly irritates me when people want sympathy for their relatives ill health- centering themselves as a victim.