To expect friends to message to say happy birthday to my LG?

[Nellie1027]

To give a bit of context my LG was 2 yesterday. I am part of an NCT group of mums who met when we were all pregnant. We have stayed in touch, but meet much less regularly now, maybe twice a year. We still message in the group a couple of times a month. I've always seen myself as an active member of the group, asking for and giving advice when needed.

The first of our little ones started turning 2 a few weeks ago (3 have turned 2 so far). Every time everyone has messaged in the group to say happy birthday, including myself. Yesterday no one messaged to say happy birthday to my little girl. It has honestly really upset me, I even reposted another friend's story on social media to see if it might prompt them to realise at about 8pm last night and still nothing.

I know I am prone to overreacting and being too emotional and caught up in things that I don't need to (I'm also 29 weeks pregnant with our second child which probably doesn't help), but it's really upset me to the point I just want to leave the group and tell them all how awful that has made me feel as a mum.

Would this upset you? Should I say something or just forget it? The next little one's birthday is in a couple of days and I know it's going to make me really angry when the birthday messages start coming in for him.

You're allowed to feel whatever you feel

Yes, you are, but its also worth remembering that thoughts arent facts.

Taking something innocuous like this and thinking in your mind "none of them care, they are horrible people, they must hate me and my daughter" is really not healthy and actually needs to be challenged, otherwise it can spiral into severe anxiety.

I was going to ask this, if it's a group chat usually only 1 person remembers and everyone else joins in. If you are the one who remembers usually they might not be as organised as you

If you want them to engage with you on it why not day something like - can't believe our little ones are two already - here's a photo of X on her birthday yesterday.

I'm sure they will all apologise profusely. I think it is quite easy to accidentally miss birthdays - if my phone prompts me by eg sharing memories from a year ago of someone's birthday party then I might remember but otherwise not. It may be that others remembered other birthdays for different reasons eg two babies in our NCT group are exactky a month apart in age so baby A's parents always remember baby B's birth date for that reason whereas I barely remember my own child's birthday.

Try not to take it to heart.

Sounds like there's a lot of birthdays going on at the moment, of course no one will remember everyone's without prompting, and a 2yo 'deserving' SM/whatapp messages is a grim slippery slope to start down. I'm glad you've got some perspective and hope you can set more store by real life experiences and not judge your social value or your dd's by this kind of ephemeral nonsense.

I'd be certain they forgot. They weren't being mean, it just wasn't on their radar on that particular day. Maybe they'll get in touch after the event and apologise.
Try not to take this personally. It would be a huge overreaction to leave the group.

I'd be disappointed too, so the question is, do you feel it was purposeful? If you do, it probably was. If you don't have a strong feeling either way, then it wasn't malicious at all. Just post about what you did for your LGs birthday and see what happens.

I think there is 2 parts to this

1. I would definitely feel left out and sad like you 🫂 for a lot of reasons

1. I say this gently... I think you are giving this a lot of weight for a WhatsApp group with people you rarely see.

It sounds like the group is beginning to fizzle out and people may be forging new friendships so have a think about how to build up your life away from this group x

You're being bonkers. Your daughter barely understands birthdays let alone chat groups where adults she barely knows congratulate her via you. Makes sod all difference to her.

In terms of you caring, you need to decide whether a) they all secretly despise you and banded together separately on another thread they made specially to decide not to congratulate your daughter as the first shot in a campaign of hatred or b) they're busy and forgot.

I have no idea when most of my friend's birthdays are, let alone their kids'. I can barely keep up with laundry and dental appointments etc let alone any of that. Once subsequent children come into the picture, you're lucky if you remember their names let alone birth dates.

Chill out.

I’ll take a guess that you are more upset about it than your DD is.
😉😁😁.

Why would the ‘feeling’ of someone so touchy about people she almost never sees messaging to say happy birthday to a two year old who will never know either way be the deciding factor as to whether it was purposeful or not?

Every week on here there are several dramatic posts about ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’ and ‘ignoring’ on the school run, which are highly likely to be an insecure OP’s projections.

When my kids were that age I was so tired I’d easily forget a birthday. It wasn’t intentional, I was just knackered and trying to juggle childcare and working. People are human and they sometimes forget.

If you had then posted in the group how awful you felt and how upset you were I’m afraid id not be very receptive. Forgetting is accidental, trying to make everyone feel bad is deliberate.

I think it's interesting that so many people are advising OP to post a birthday picture of her child in the group. Why would you do this? As a passive aggressive dig to make them feel bad? I doubt that'll work, most people would just think 'that's a cute picture', maybe give it a thumps up and move on with their day. If it's not intended to be passive aggressive and it's just intended to prompt a flurry of belated happy birthday messages then that seems pretty needy to be honest. What's the point?

I think it's the pregnancy hormones taking over a bit here, these aren't close friends or family, they're just acquaintances with busy lives who've forgotten. I very much doubt there's any malice.

It wouldn't bother me but if it felt really important to you, I'd have sent a pic of my DC and captioned it 'we have another one joining the 2 years old club' or something like that to prompt a response

Sorry OP, but I guess it'll be very low down in their list of things to remember. It wasn't done out of malice and it'll happen again in years to come. The sooner you learn to brush it off and move on, the better.

Post a photo of your little one with her cards and presents, perhaps also blowing out candles on her birthday cake........and then leave the sodding group!

To a group you only meet twice a year and message twice a month? Bearing in mind child is only 2 and NCT groups normally start from third trimester this group doesn't strike me as being particularly close if the frequency of meetups/contact is this low already.

I know people who have made life long friends through NCT who meet* *at least twice a month and even holiday with. I could understand them being a bit miffed if a birthday was missed (if the others hadn't been) but in OPs scenario I think this is an overreaction and flouncing off in a huff will come across a little unhinged.

Well, I agree with you, but I think the ‘point’ here is that the OP, for whatever reason, feels insecure or invisible, and is reframing this as somehow about her daughter’s birthday, when she’d be better off trying to figure out what is going on in her life to make an adult woman this fixated on something so completely unimportant, to the extent that the prospect of another toddler possibly getting birthday greetings in a couple of weeks makes her ‘angry’.

If you think that they did it out of malice because they don't like you or your dc, absolutely cut them off.

If you think they genuinely forgot, cut them some slack.

I forgot my own wedding anniversary one year but it doesn't mean I don't love my dh.

I suppose it is a bit different because several people forgot your dc's birthday but on group chat there is usually one person who remembers and their message reminds everyone else.

heres what I’d assume. One person remembered the other kids birthday and messaged and everyone followed suit. Maybe rhat one person remembered because they have a closer relationship with that parent and they’d told them re birthday stuff/ invited to party or whatever. Or was it you? Were you the first to message as you’re the only one remembering and then others copied you? If you want people to remember your kids birthday you need to remind them. Ie sharing a picture of birthday girl, invite to party etc this is not a personal slight. I’d be suprised once you have two if you continue to have time and energy to remember every child’s birthday.

OP, totally ok and normal to feel the way you do as you form attachments to friends and others who have these shared experiences with you. I’d have the same feeling of expectation and disappointment. I have children a little bit older (3 and 1) and have experienced this, as others say, you just kind of learn that others don’t do things in the same way that you would, or that you’d like, but they do still care. You also start learning that some of these mum friendships really don’t last - but you’ll make new ones! Take care of yourself x

Happy Birthday to your DD!

YABU to care what NCT mums do. YANBU to think its a bit off if they do it for every other child.

Most in the group probably don't care less about you or the majority of others in the group. By 2 years they'll have established other 'mum friends' and the NCT group is just a bit of an extra obligation. It'll fade out within a year by the sound of it. I'd move on and establish some real friendships.

Do you mean other people post first or does the parent says my Lo is 2?

NCT is a support group for a special, vulnerable, scary, hormonal time in life, we take out and put in what we can mentally and it’s fantastic- but it’s transient in most cases. It’s unique and invaluable for that time in your life, but once people have found their feet and new routines, most people drift away. Their heads are full of of their own needs, it’s normal. Do you know the birthday of every child in your NCT group? You shouldn’t really and that’s fine.

@Nellie1027 I understand why you’re sad. I would be.

These are people who you thought you had a special bond with because of having your kids. So, all their birthdays will be at a similar time and it’s kind and thoughtful to remember them. And if they’ve messaged about others, it must make you sad no one’s remembered what day your child was born, even though it’s not malicious.

I’m surprised how thoughtless some people can be these days. They don’t seem bothered. Sure, life’s busy with a toddler. But letting people know you’re thinking about them on special days are what keep friendships going over decades, through all the stages of life. When you get older and face relationship struggles and other v personal stuff, friends who are less involved with your life can be a great support.

Sounds like you need to focus on friends who are as thoughtful as you. I was never in NCT. But mates of mine who had kids at a similar time as me always send cards and/or little messages on their birthday and so do I. Now our kids are much older, we don’t meet up very often. Friendships wax and wane. But we still let each other know we’re thinking of each other on the day our kids were born. It’s a lovely feeling to know people are there for you.

I guess some WhatsApp groups are pretty superficial.

Honestly don't sweat it. My DC turned 5 recently and me and the amazing women I was very close to during pregnancy and baby days keep in touch, a few messages a month. We send a happy birthday roughly on the right week, and there's only three of us. My best friends and I regularly forget and send the message after the fact. It's fine! If you otherwise like and support each other, dates are just dates to your friends.