To expect friends to message to say happy birthday to my LG?

[Nellie1027]

To give a bit of context my LG was 2 yesterday. I am part of an NCT group of mums who met when we were all pregnant. We have stayed in touch, but meet much less regularly now, maybe twice a year. We still message in the group a couple of times a month. I've always seen myself as an active member of the group, asking for and giving advice when needed.

The first of our little ones started turning 2 a few weeks ago (3 have turned 2 so far). Every time everyone has messaged in the group to say happy birthday, including myself. Yesterday no one messaged to say happy birthday to my little girl. It has honestly really upset me, I even reposted another friend's story on social media to see if it might prompt them to realise at about 8pm last night and still nothing.

I know I am prone to overreacting and being too emotional and caught up in things that I don't need to (I'm also 29 weeks pregnant with our second child which probably doesn't help), but it's really upset me to the point I just want to leave the group and tell them all how awful that has made me feel as a mum.

Would this upset you? Should I say something or just forget it? The next little one's birthday is in a couple of days and I know it's going to make me really angry when the birthday messages start coming in for him.

You know all of their children's birthdays? That's a mad set up. You only meet twice a year, you'll drift apart soon enough.

I'm in a local WhatsApp group of 15 local mums who've known each other since our children were babies at Book Bug and the like. We all see each other (not as a whole group but in mixed groups/pairs etc) every single week, often multiple times a week and go on large group nights out a few times a year. Still no one is remembering all the birthdays now that the kids are 3,4,5 etc.

I don’t remember any of my friends’ kids’ birthdays. It was my birthday last week and even some of my family members didn’t remember. We have a family group with about 20 members of various degree of distance of relationships and I noticed that nobody from my own generation gets messages on there - not me or any of my cousins but the older family members remember each-other’s birthdays. My aunt sent me a message a day later, someone must have reminded her 😅. And that’s my own family who are very very close and dear to me. And I don’t care. Your little girl who “deserves better” won’t care about strangers not remembering her birthday, nor she will have any awareness of it at her age.

I would feel as you do OP and it would make me feel differently about the others in the group.
But it is as it is.
The most important thing is that your child is blissfully unaware and the fact you love her is what is the important thing in her life.
All you can do is try and work on yourself not to react negatively to other people's thoughtlessness. I know it's easier said than done.

I couldn't get worked up over this and I find your comment about your daughter 'deserving better' a little strange tbh

Me too- deserve better, from people you only see twice a year? 😳

Remember that your child is not affected by this in any way.

You could have a million people saying it to you and it would still make absolutely no difference to her life.

It’s not about her deserving better because she’s not impacted by this at all.

I understand why you are hurt because you make the effort for them and it’s not reciprocated but remember it’s no reflection on your DD and they wouldn’t have done it out of malice.

Next time if this is something that will make you happy, put on there that DD is 3 today and you will likely get happy birthday replies.

Happy birthday to your DD. I hope she had a lovely day 💐

This. It's completely ridiculous.

This.

Agree. Great advice.

I hope you all had a lovely day for DD birthday. She won’t have noticed the lack of interest from the group, but it has clearly hurt your feelings and it’s ok to feel like that.

Do you feel it was because they just forgot or is it part of a bigger picture with this group of mums where you generally feel a bit left out despite your best efforts to be a thoughtful and good friend?

Send the pic with the cake and drop a note in the group saying something to the effect of 'Can't believe our little ones are already two! We didn't have a party this year but would love you to join us for tea, cake and a play on XXXXX if you are free. It would be fun to get all of our families together'. Or don't. But you can't expect support if you don't put effort in beyond texting.

This is total nonsense.

What was stopping you posting in the group a photo of your daughter’s birthday? Then everyone could have sent the birthday wishes you apparently so desperately need.

Honestly all this “my daughter deserves better” “it made me feel bad as a mum” is total bollocks. Your daughter has no clue about any of this, and what have birthday wishes got to do with being a mum?

Leave the group for the other women’s sanity. You are far too much.

Maybe the ones who messaged for other children's birthdays have friendships outside of the group.

It might just be that they see more of each other and are a greater presence in each other's lives.

Your child is your world and of course you want everyone to celebrate her birthday . But the reality is she is not theirs and the fact is they forgot . Just put up a breezy message saying she had a lovely birthday and you all day a great day .
I'm sure the belated good wishes will come her way .

It’s not about your daughter though is it, she’s 2. You’re miffed that the others didn’t remember you

sensitive soul seems to mean a little bit hard work. Let this go and try not to be so affected by things that don’t really matter in the long run - you barely see these people and everyone has busy lives

It seemed none of the other children needed prompts to be remembered, so why mine.

What happens in reality with these social media/WhatsApp things is that one person remembers and everyone else follows suit. It’s not like receiving cards, which is proof that, individually, someone has remembered and acknowledged your birthday. I bet if you looked you see that it was the same one or two people who’ve started these chains of congratulation; some people have a really good memory for dates and birthdays and others just don’t (I had to tell my uncle when my cousin’s birthday was, for example. Not that he doesn’t love him hugely, but his late wife dealt with all such things and he only ever has a vague idea of such dates!). So - I bet that what’s happened here is one of the people with the good memory had a bad day at work, or a row with her DH - or something that meant she just wasn’t “on it”. And then the others weren’t prompted like before,

a rather long post to get to a conclusion of “I wouldn’t dwell on it too much”, but I really think you should let this one go if they are good friends generally.

Don’t put a “breezy” message about her birthday I’m cringing for all the people suggesting that. That’s just attention seeking behaviour

Post a birthday pic of her in there.

I barely remember my own niece's and nephew's birthdays, let alone a child who is not family!! Be more realistic, OP. Your daughter means the world to you, but not to everyone else.

I understand how you must be feeling OP and the people who are saying that you're being ridiculous etc are undermining your valid feelings. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel and we're all, thankfully, different!
For me personally, sometimes one person will message in a WhatsApp group (the organised one!) and then others will follow to say Happy birthday, so I guess nobody remembered due to being busy/forgetful/whatever and nothing malicious.
I'd probably post a photo of your daughter with her cake or whatever and then move on.

Blimey, I dont have time to remember all my friend's children's birthdays - one of my friends has 6 children, another has 3 and two of them have 2 - I'd have to keep a flipping excel spreadsheet to keep up with that lot.

I suspect the group will gradually lose touch in time anyway, its just natural for life to move on and then you make different friends at different life stages.

I think you need to think about whether you have realistic expectations of people and that you may be setting the bar way too high, otherwise you'll feel constantly let down and disappointed by people in the future.

Fuck why?

OP put your energy into addressing your own insecurities.

You're allowed to feel whatever you feel

Yes... that doesn't make her feelings valid no. Sometimes grown adults have to face the fact that their feelings aren't actually "valid" 🙄 and give themselves a shake.

Posting a birthday photo is just feeding the same insecurities as she then waits for all the birthday wishes to come through. It's absolutely cringeworthy.

There is no way I would remember the birthday of a small child whose parents I only see twice a year, unless they were related to me. Even if I really liked the parents, it's just wouldn't occur to me that this was necessary.

People have jobs, dependent children and elderly parents to care for, house renovations, deadlines. Life is busy. I doubt it's a reflection on how they feel about you.

Leaving the group seems a bit drastic, but you might want to reflect on why you feel so emotionally invested in messages and social media interactions with people you rarely see in real life.

Post a photo of your little one with her cards and presents, perhaps also blowing out candles on her birthday cake........and then leave the sodding group!
Focus your energy on being a Mum.
I could preach about the destructive power of social media but here I am on Mumsnet giving my opinion ............

People are being pretty kind by AIBU standards. Unfortunately this kind of situation is completely normal and I think you have to work on your emotional responses to such things otherwise you will go through life constantly feeling slighted. Issues like these between friends are usually through oversight rather than meanness. The people that get upset by such things often put more effort in with their friends so tend to feel even more slighted. You can’t change the world or other people, so the only answer is to shape yourself and your own responses.

TL;DR Care less, or get therapy.

PS. This isn’t a MN mean response ™️, just an example of telling the truth on the internet when you are too scared to tell a person in real life.